Amigo Undead Page #5

No, you don't say that ever.

What are you doing, man?

You're giving me a hard time, you know?

I mean, I didn't save the day

but it's like motto.

I always say it.

I've known you for awhile

and I never heard those words

come out of your mouth.

I don't know why you

feel the need to lie.

I'm not lying, you know,

why would I lie about

something silly like that?

I think you just wanted to sound cool

and now I called you on it.

I'm not lying.

Wayne, you're just

digging yourself deeper.

You just need to come clean.

Put your hands where I can see them.

Los Angeles, huh?

I know you city perverts

like to come out here

to do all your satanic sh*t

because you think us country bumpkins

won't figure it out.

Sir, it wasn't Kevin's fault.

In fact he's probably least

to blame of any of us.

Was I talking to you, Hagrid?

You'll get your turn.

All right, everybody, listen up.

My name is Sheriff Thomas Maynard

and you have the right to remain silent,

but if I know one

thing about perverts like you

is that you all like to talk eventually

because you think you're so smart.

And then you get stories all mixed up

and then the jury sends you

all to the gas chamber

and then a hallelujah,

a couple less perverts

left in the world.

Was that the Miranda rights?

Because I think you said it wrong.

Yeah, maybe you need to brush

up on your police work.

All right. Laugh it up, I don't mind.

Hey, Tommy Lee Jones called,

he wants his character back.

All right.

Shut up, shut up.

Slap your faces in.

Sheriff Maynard, may I speak

with you in private please?

I think I can clear up

this whole situation.

Wayne Simmons, pleased to meet you,

listen, my cohorts are

really acting childish,

you're gonna have to excuse them.

But you and I, we both

work for the government,

post office, and I can tell you,

I have a tremendous amount

of respect of what you do.

Get to the point.

Yeah, so, the incident

which has occurred

in the convenient store,

there was this Mexican fella

who was chasing us and he was crazy.

And so everything

that's occurred in there

is purely self-defense,

I mean, you know,

look at us, you know,

couple of white guys

and, you know, a Mexican fella,

I mean, come on, right? You know.

- I think I get it.

- Yeah, good, good, good.

All right. Look, we could

probably let this thing slide,

that is, if you'll be willing

to do something for me.

Say the word.

Okay. I could let you go

if you'll...

Suck my dick.

Really?

No, no, not really.

That's my pervert test.

You just failed it, sit your ass down,

you racist pervert a**hole.

I'm holding all of you

miserable a**holes

to jail right now.

Hello, Louise, it's tom,

I need assistance down

at the gas station.

Well Kevin, you wanted

to go to the police,

now, you got your wish.

Yeah, I wanted to go to the police

before we broke into a convenience store

and murdered a man three times.

Maybe we should make that four.

Oh, you're sweet.

No, just perverts.

One of them tried to suck my dick.

Sir, do you require medical assistance?

Sheriff, no.

He's not human.

Shut your mouth back there.

Sir, are you okay?

Son, are you on drugs?

Holy mother, ah!

Why, God?

Why?

This is some f***ed up sh*t, man.

Why didn't you tell me

that thing was a monster?

Would you have believed me?

No.

Now get out of here,

save yourself, guys.

No, Ian, we won't leave you.

Guys, it's going good,

I think I'm winning.

Yeah, go, Ian.

I'm overpowering him.

I think it's going well.

Yeah, hit him.

Ian?

What the hell are you doing?

I just think we should

be videotaping this.

We gotta go. That

thing is gonna kill us.

Yeah. But if we live, I might

be able to sell the tape

as one of those found footage movies.

You can't be serious!

Look, when you're as poor as me,

you gotta take these

opportunities as they come.

Yeah, bad idea.

Those movies suck anyway.

Damn. Private property.

Okay. I guess you don't care.

Hey, uh, Norm.

I just had a horrifying thought.

A man rose from the grave

and turned into some kind of demon.

Yeah. That's why we're running.

No. That's not what I mean.

I'm saying, we exist in a world

where that kind of sh*t is possible

and that undermines

my entire belief system.

Even if we survive this, we still have

to worry about ghosts and monsters,

and all the other kinds

of supernatural crap

that might be out there.

Or maybe it's just this

one f***ed up monster.

What the f***?

Wait!

Hey! Come on, Kevin!

Help me out!

What are you doing?

It's Norm!

I know it's Norm!

We gotta knock him out and tie him up!

What are you talking about?

I'm sorry, Norm. But I've been

thinking about this.

And I think that thing is after you.

Only you.

He's after all of us.

Because we're with him.

Think about it.

At the campsite,

at the convenience store,

it only went after Norm.

What about the sheriff and Ian?

What happened to Ian?

Oh, my God.

He passed away.

Passed away?

A monster tore his head off.

That f***er died.

All right. Anyway,

I'm sure that they were getting killed

because they were in the way of you.

That's why we have to tie you up, Norm.

Ritual sacrifice.

It's the only solution.

I'm sorry.

Kevin, do you have any rope or twine

that we can tie him up with?

Is that what I mean to you?

I thought we were f***ing friends.

Well, I'm sorry, Norm.

But I have a wife

and two kids to think about.

Oh, don't give me

that wife and kids crap.

Everyone knows you hate them.

You know, when you grow

out of this extended

period of adolescence,

you're gonna understand

that people have responsibilities.

But that's not gonna matter because

you're gonna be dead anyways.

All right.

You know what?

You're just a racist piece of sh*t.

And I never liked you anyway.

I only liked the free fishing trips.

Oh, very nice.

You wanna go down this road?

Let's do it. Put up your Dukes, huh!

Let's go, a**hole!

Hey, guys!

I think we gotta go.

Don't shoot us!

Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Didn't you read the sign?

This is private property.

You're trespassing.

Uh, we must have missed that.

I'm sorry. Please don't kill us.

We're gonna leave now.

Oh, you're not going anywhere, dudes.

I can't believe this.

I tried to get away from you f***ers.

Ding, ding.

Um, look, man, I'm really sorry

that we were on your land.

But there's a monster chasing us.

And if we don't get out here,

he's gonna kill us all.

We all got a monster chasing us, son.

It's called the devil.

Hey, you know, this actually

smells pretty good.

All right. Who's gonna say the grace?

I'll do it.

Norman.

Uh, dear God, thank you for this food

and thank you for old man Schumer.

The nice man who's gonna let us go now.

That's a good one.

All right. Eat up, boys.

You're gonna need your strength.

Strength for what?

Hey, you know?

This is actually pretty good.

Old family recipe.

Hmm.

Don't mind if I do.

Norman?

Kevin?

What are you waiting for?

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