Amigo Undead Page #6

You don't mind if I stew?

Man. That was like

the best meal I've ever had.

Can I get a whoop whoop?

What's wrong with Wayne?

I'm pretty sure there was

something in the food.

Did you eat any? I just

kind of swished it around.

We gotta get out of here.

This whole place smells like pee.

Blessed be

the tie that binds our...

Yeah. I know.

Maybe if we finish these chores,

he'll let us go.

What can we do?

He's got a gun.

He's got us in chains

and there's human skeletons

in his backyard.

He's not gonna let us go.

Guys, guys.

You got it all wrong.

Old Schumer is a great guy.

He's a great guy.

Too much talking.

Not enough working.

Oh, not me, Massa.

I's be working.

Sorry, sir.

Very, very sorry, sir.

Oh.

I can see what's going on here.

You think I'm crazy.

Like that, uh... like

that human centipede guy.

I assure you.

I wouldn't hurt a fly.

Uh, then why is there

a skeleton in your backyard?

That's a Halloween decoration.

I put on a haunted house

every year for the kiddies.

For all I know, you're the crazy ones.

You broke into my yard.

That's why I put you in chains.

Uh, this whole thing

is just one big misunderstanding.

See? See, you guys?

I told you.

Old man Schumer's a great guy.

- Well.

- No, no.

No. Hey, hey.

Here's the thing.

The reason they're all kind of on edge

is because earlier,

we killed this Mexican,

and we buried him in the desert,

and then he came back to life,

and now he's trying to kill us.

So it's kind of a strange thing.

Came back to life?

Yeah.

"And death and hell

delivered up the dead

which were in them."

"And they were judged every man

according to his works,

Revelations 20:
13."

I've been waiting

for the sign of the apocalypse.

And this is it, my friends.

Really?

Of course.

What else could it be?

We must prepare.

These are my babies.

How'd you get all this stuff?

I used to work for the government.

Well, that's comforting.

You know, we shot Jovan,

burned him, stuck a meat

cleaver in his head.

I think it's safe to say

conventional weapons aren't

gonna work against him.

Well, duh.

This is the spawn of Satan.

Of course conventional weapons

won't work with him.

Your souls need to be cleansed.

Then you can use conventional.

You know, I'm willing to believe

anything at this point.

F***, yeah, man.

This is the final showdown

between good and evil.

Are you going to be one

of Satan's minions

or one of Christ's warriors?

I guess Christ's warriors.

Yeah. Christ's warrior sounds good.

The seven churches which are in Asia.

- Right, right.

- That's how far.

How did we get here, Norm?

I'm just going through the motions.

But, uh, who knows?

Maybe this will work now

that our souls are cleansed.

Yeah, you're right.

As soon as we can get away from him,

we need to make a run for it.

Uh, oh, my head hurts.

Where am I?

Who are you?

Oh, I think it's about time

for you to take your medicine.

Wayne, here you go.

Oh.

- Attaboy.

- Okay.

Just... atta.

That's the way to go.

So what do we do about Wayne?

We can't just leave him.

All right, men.

Listen up.

Everyone gather around.

F***.

The hour is fast approaching

and we need to go over our plan.

Is everyone's tactical gear on?

Diapers in place?

Hoorah!

Yeah, uh, can you, uh, tell me again

why we're wearing diapers?

What are you gonna do

in the heat of battle

when you need to go to the bathroom?

Just excuse yourself?

You think Satan's gonna wait?

Good thinking.

All right.

Now, take a look.

Here is the convenience store.

That means, Satan's monster

will be approaching from the east.

Wayne will be upfront

with a .30 caliber machine gun.

I will be patrolling the rear perimeter

with the RPG.

Kevin and Norman

will give supporting fire

from the right flank and the left flank

respectively with assault

rifles and other small arms.

Everybody on board?

Sir, yes, sir.

Sir.

Sir, yes, sir.

Excellent.

Now, drop your drawers.

Let's all tug one out.

What, what, what, what?

No need to be shy, son.

Wait, I'm confused.

What is this for?

To clear the mind of sexual thoughts.

We don't want them

clouding our judgment.

It's okay, men.

We're doing it for Jesus.

Um, uh, well, actually,

uh, we prefer to masturbate

as a threesome in private.

Whoa.

It's how we normally do it.

All right.

But you've got five minutes.

Fair enough.

- Stop that, you idiot.

- What?

We got to think to run for it.

Oh, my God.

I think Wayne wanted to slap

his knob in front of us.

Listen, Wayne, that guy is not

an authority on this stuff.

He's just a crazy old coot.

Blasphemy. Blasphemy.

I must tell the master.

I think that went really well.

- Should we go?

- Yep.

Master, I see them.

Over there.

Attention all sinners.

Soul clean up on aisle seven.

Whoa.

Aim for Norm.

Ah, f***.

- Norm!

- F***!

Okay.

Sorry. Just give me a second.

This is tough fabric.

Dude, it's not that bad.

Just f***ing relax.

Let's get the f*** out of here.

Slippery little devils, aren't they?

Aim for Norm next time.

Oh, yeah.

Do you remember those bones you found

I told were Halloween decorations?

Yeah.

I lied.

Those were the bones of sinners.

Like you.

I killed them.

That doesn't frighten you?

I kind of assumed that.

Oh. I see.

Master.

Master, no!

Son of a b*tch.

Whoa!

Oh, my eyes.

Oh, no!

That's unnecessary!

Oh!

- Oh, f***!

- Oh, God!

Oh, it's Wayne.

He was a racist.

Yeah.

Calm down.

Slow...

Uh-oh.

Here, hold these.

Ah, f***! What the f***, man?

Ah, Jesus Christ!

Oh, God damn it!

Whoa.

That was some great spur of the moment.

Thank you, Norm.

That's the only plan I know how to do.

Oh, sh*t! Stay back.

I think he's gone.

Is he?

Yes. His hand just stopped moving.

But we got fooled by that before.

Yeah. But that was like whole body.

We just liquefied this f***er.

Unless he could reform

or something like a t1000.

Reform?

I don't know.

I guess you're right.

You did it, brother.

Come on.

Let's get the f*** out of here.

Is there a bus that comes around here?

We should probably go find my car.

Hey.

When we were kids and I use

to take you to the mall

and tell people that you were

this little lost Asian boy

who needed bus fare.

And then we'd take the money

and go to the arcade.

Yeah. We had some good times

scamming kind-hearted

people out of their money.

So are you sure you don't

wanna stick around?

I could go for some pancakes

drenched in maple syrup.

You haven't taken

any Insulin in a while.

Yeah. I know.

It's because I took a double dose

before to store it up.

So... I'm fine.

It's fine.

I should probably take some more soon.

So thanks for reminding me.

Good looking out.

That's not the way it works.

God damn it! F***.

All right.

You caught me.

I don't have diabetes, I never did.

You said this was a dying man's wish.

Technically it is.

I mean, we're all dying

a little everyday, even you.

What? I wanted to see my little brother.

And I knew there was no way

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