Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy Page #6

You are a real hooker,

and I'm gonna slap you in public.

You have way too much pubic hair.

Actually, that's a point of pride.

I'm very proud of my mane of pubic hair,

so thank you.

You have man b*obs.

You've got a dirty, whorish mouth.

I'm gonna punch you in the ovary.

A straight shot.

Right to the baby-maker.

Jazz flute is for little fairy boys.

Okay, you know what?

That's uncalled for.

I can't work with this woman.

It's terrible.

It's ringing.

Veronica Corningstone.

Hello, Veronica, this is Mike Rithjin

from the network.

You"ve just been promoted.

You"re gonna need to move to Moscow.

Start cleaning up your desk.

See you in the morning.

We'll pick you up in a van.

What did you say your name was?

Mike Ritnitjun. It's not important.

Start cleaning your desk,

and we'll pick you up in the morning.

Tell her she might want to get a coat.

Hold on. Veronica? What was it?

Tell her to get a coat.

Also, I don't know if you know Moscow.

It's pretty cold.

You might want to buy a coat.

Are you and Champ having

a good time, Ron?

Are we what?

I can see you, Ron.

- What?

- I can see you.

Okay. Bye-bye.

- What happened?

- She knew it was me.

You're watching Channel 4 News

with five-time Emmy award-winning

anchor Ron Burgundy

and Tits McGee.

Good evening, San Diego.

I'm Veronica Corningstone.

Tits McGee is on vacation.

And I'm Tits... I'm Ron Burgundy.

- Veronica Corningstone.

- This is your doctor.

I have your pregnancy report here,

and guess what.

You got knocked up.

You should probably get out of news.

- Who is this?

- This is Dr. Chim.

- Dr. Chim Richalds.

- Ron, is this you?

I'm a professional doctor.

You saw me. You don't remember.

You should move.

- Get out of the business.

- This is pathetic.

You're pathetic.

What'd she say?

She... I don't... I think she bought it.

She's looking this way.

Here she comes.

I'll tell you what, it's just not working.

She's making us look

like a bunch of fools.

Helen, where's the party?

Children, grow up.

Son of a bee sting.

She's turning the entire office

against us.

- This is grim. Real grim.

- What are we gonna do?

There's only one thing a man can do

when he's suffering

from a spiritual and existential funk.

Go to the zoo, flip off the monkeys?

No. Buy new suits.

Where's the suit store?

We've been walking for 45 minutes.

Brick, I thought you said

this was a shortcut.

Fantastic.

- Is it a shortcut or not?

- Okay.

Jeez.

Hey.

Here comes trouble.

Burgundy and the ladies

went out for a stroll, huh?

You boys walking around

and talking things through?

Keep a tight perimeter.

Yes, sirree.

Well, well, well.

Ron Burgundy

and the Channel 4 News Team.

Where's your mommy?

You back off, Evening News Team.

You know, I understand that

they had to bring a female in.

Change your diapers.

Wipe the dribble away

from your bubbling lips.

Rub Vaseline all over your heinie

and tell you that it's special

and different from everyone else's.

He said "heinie"!

- Brick, get back over here!

- Heinie!

Does she tuck you in, Ronnie?

Give you a little kiss on your forehead?

Tell you everything's gonna be okay?

I've had enough of you, Mantooth.

This is gonna end right here, right now.

- Let's dance, dickweed.

- You wanna dance, Ronnie?

I wanna polka.

Come get a taste.

- Brick, where'd you get a hand grenade?

- I don't know.

All right. Let's do this!

Hey!

If you're gonna have a fight,

then don't forget

Channel 2 News with me,

lead anchor Frank Vitchard.

You dirtbags have been in third place

for five years.

Yeah?

Well, you're about to be in dead place.

Not so fast, you ingrates!

Public News Team is taking a break

from its pledge drive to kick some ass.

No commercials! No mercy!

Spanish Language News is here.

Tonight's top story,

the sewers run red

with Burgundy's blood.

Well, looks like we got ourselves

a bilingual bloodfest.

Now, before we do this,

let's go over the ground rules.

Rule number one,

no touching of the hair or face.

Of course.

And that's it! Now let's do this!

Begin!

I'm gonna straight-up murder your ass!

- Blade!

- Here you go, mate!

God! Oh! I did not see that coming!

- Now I'll be number one.

- No, you won't!

It's the police! It's the police!

Boy, that escalated quickly.

I mean, that really got out of hand fast.

- It jumped up a notch.

- It did, didn't it?

Yeah, I stabbed a man in the heart.

I saw that. Brick killed a guy.

- Did you throw a trident?

- Yeah.

There were horses and a man on fire

and I killed a guy with a trident.

I've been meaning

to talk to you about that.

Find yourself a safe house

or a relative close by.

Lay low for a while, because

you're probably wanted for murder.

I'm proud of you fellas.

You kept your head on a swivel.

That's what you gotta do

when you're in a vicious cockfight.

Can you believe Mantooth and

the Channel 9 Evening News Team?

"Where's your mommy?

Someone's gotta change your diapers."

This Corningstone business

is really hurting our rep.

I know exactly what you mean, Brian.

Every newsman in this city's

laughing at us.

- And I don't like it.

- I don't like the put-downs.

We're gonna do something about it.

It is time to put an end to this!

Last time I looked,

my name's Ron Burgundy.

- What's your name?

- Brian Fantana.

- Champ Kind.

- Brian Fantana.

No, you're Brick.

- Brian.

- I'm Brian.

And l"ve shown you, old man!

Garth, I need to look at these tapes

for a potential lead.

Ron's using the machine

to play his local Emmy acceptance

speech from last year.

I tried to ask her out on a date.

Turn the music off! L"m still talking!

- This is ridiculous!

- I don't remember doing it.

- Excuse me.

- What are you doing?

I need this machine

so I can watch a tape for a story.

I'm using the tape.

I'm showing Jeffrey my Emmy tape.

We are watching history.

Mr. Burgundy, I'm a professional,

and I would like to be able to do my job.

Big deal! I am very professional!

Mr. Burgundy,

you are acting like a baby.

I'm not a baby, I am a man.

I am an anchorman!

You are not a man.

You are a big fat joke!

I'm a man who discovered the wheel

and built the Eiffel Tower

out of metal and brawn.

That's what kind of man I am.

You're just a woman with a small brain.

With a brain a third the size of us.

It's science.

I will have you know

that I have more talent

and more intelligence in my little finger

than you do in your entire body, sir!

You are a smelly pirate hooker!

You look like a blueberry.

Why don't you go back to your home

on Whore Island?

Well, you have bad hair.

What did you say?

I said your hair looks stupid.

- Let them work it out!

- It's between the two of them!

They're just talking. Just talking.

- I hate you!

- I hate you more!

Shut up! Shut up!

All right, stop!

Stop what you're doing right now!

I will not have my newsroom be divided.

Knights of Columbus, that hurts!

I was like, "Who is that guy?"

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