Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues Page #5

looking to get a little muffellita,

and you get a handful

of the Battle of the Bulge.

You hear what I'm saying, Walter?

Yes, I do.

Ron, it was nice meeting you.

I think it's time for you to go.

Oh, Ron!

You knew!

You anticipated that because

you're reading my mind!

That confirms it!

(SIGHS) There's Lime!

Look at him. He's a goddamn prince!

Man, there's just something

about him, you know?

I'd give anything to

be friends with him.

I don't see what the

big deal is, you know.

He's not that great.

What did you say?

What's that?

I heard you say something.

Oh.

Oh, what did I say?

Oh, nothing.

Oh, no. I heard you say something.

He said you're not that great!

Brick!

Is that what you said about me?

- He's coming over here.

- I know!

I'm gonna rip this guy in half.

No, no, no! Just give me

a little piece of him.

Uh, Jack, look, it's just...

The guys look up to you so much,

and I just was a little jealous.

I just said some junk.

That's funny.

Aren't you the guy who

lost his job to his wife?

ALL:
Ooh!

Shouldn't you be doing her makeup?

(SCREAMING)

- All right, guys, that's enough.

- No, shut up, Freddie!

And you can shut your mouth,

okay, Jack "Lame!"

- Ooh.

- ALL:
Ooh!

Yeah. Mr. Butt-Vagina's

got some fight in him.

You listen to this one,

- big fella.

- Yeah.

I bet you that we beat

your ratings tonight.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I'm sorry. I'm trying

to keep it together.

No, no, no. Don't do this.

Don't do this.

You're on at 2:
00 a.m.

Jack has prime time!

Maybe... No. Hey, Freddie, no, no.

Hey.

I'll take that bet.

What are the stakes?

If we lose, I'll leave New York.

And I'll never read the news again.

And if by some snowball's

chance in hell

Mr. Mustache here pulls a

miracle out of his ass?

(SCOFFS)

You change your name

to Jack Lame! Legally.

(CHUCKLES)

I like this! You're on, Stretch.

Everyone heard him?

- Freddie, you heard him?

- Yeah. I heard him.

- This is on like Pong.

- RON:
Okay. Good.

(CROWD WHOOPING)

Why? Why did you

make that bet, Ron?

We've got the graveyard shift!

We don't have a chance!

- Hey, guy!

- Ah!

This ain't local news anymore.

We sh*t standing up here.

What?

It's a huge mess,

but damn, is it cool!

LINDA:
All right, everyone!

Ladies and gentlemen,

today wouldn't be possible without

the visionary behind GNN.

Mr. Kench Allenby!

Yeah, yeah!

Thank you.

All right, cheer.

(SPEAKS INCOHERENTLY)

I am jabbered, just jabbered,

full of beans, no doubt.

Does anyone else speak Australian?

I thought they talked like us.

Can I get you to say

with me, haw-ba-ya-ya!

(SCREAMING INDISTINCTLY)

We can't quite understand you.

How's this? I'm Kench Allenby.

- Oh, yes. That's good.

- There we go! Thank you so much.

I'm Kench Allenby and

you all know my story.

I'm a self-made man.

My late, great father, Vadge

Allenby, gave me $300 million,

and I toiled my whole bloody life

to turn that into $305 million.

True story. True story.

Wow.

But this is 24-hour news station...

This is history.

This is like Columbus

discovering the New World.

And the captain of this fantastic

voyage is the best newsman in America,

Mr. Jack Lime!

Go get 'em, Jack! Go get 'em!

Thank you. And good luck

to Ron Burgundy, too.

Ooh. (CHUCKLES)

Getting nervous there, compadre?

Let's do this.

Did you see that? How he

spun on that desk? So great.

All right. Quiet on

the floor, please.

All right.

All right. We're up.

Here we go, here we go.

In five, four, three, two...

JACK:
Good day, and welcome to GNN.

Thank you for joining us on what we

believe to be a whole new era of news.

I'm Jack Lime,

your guide for this journey of

events we humbly call 24-hour news.

Today's top story,

Mount St. Helene.

Oh, this is just a gimmick.

It's a flash in the pan.

We better hope so.

Residents are being asked

to evacuate the area...

Twenty-four hours of news.

How are they gonna keep

coming up with this stuff?

My guess is they'll probably be

scraping the bottom of the barrel.

No, I have a feeling they'll

stick with their integrity

and only report the news

that needs to be reported.

Let's see here.

"Global temperatures rise half a degree,

alarm climate scientists." Boring.

"China could dominate the world

economy in the next decade."

(SINGING) Dun-dun-dun

dun-dun-dun, dun-dun

Nope.

Anyone else?

What if we show a porno

instead of the news?

Freddie?

No. Absolutely not.

I know. What if we get one

of those wildlife handlers?

We have him bring in,

oh, big game cats.

You know, wild, dangerous tigers and

lions and leopards and the such.

We let them loose inside the studio

with about a dozen chickens.

We play rock music. And we

just call it Let Her Rip.

I'd watch that. I'd watch that.

Let Her Rip?

You're describing the end of

civilization. That's not news!

If that's the end of times, I'm...

I got a front-row seat with a

big tub of buttered popcorn

and a greasy half-live chicken leg.

Okay, so obviously this is

a waste of time. I'm done.

Freddie! Come on!

We're just brainstorming here.

We're trying to figure out how

to make the news less boring,

and you act like we

peed in your milkshake.

The news is supposed

to be boring, Ron!

This is serious stuff.

You're the one that

made this stupid bet!

I just don't know why we

have to tell the people

what they need to hear.

Why can't we just tell them

what they want to hear?

Wait, wait, wait.

Say that again.

I said, why do we have

to tell the people

what they need to hear?

Why can't we just tell them

what they want to hear?

And what do they

want to hear, Ron?

That we live in the greatest

country God ever created.

- Damn straight!

- Made him happy.

And we should do

stories on patriots.

Cute, funny little animals, huh?

Or diets.

Why blondes have more fun.

And serious investigative pieces,

about how much ejaculate

is on hotel duvets.

And only the best

sports highlights.

Home runs, slam dunks,

touchdowns and no soccer.

I like the wind!

Brick's right.

People love hurricanes.

Tornadoes, earthquakes, floods,

we'll throw Brick right

in the middle of it.

You'd do that?

People'll go nuts. I'd watch that!

No, this goes against every rule

of broadcast journalism I know.

Freddie, as the wise man once said,

"So?"

We got 10 hours till we go on.

We'll only need eight!

(SIGNING) Lady

I'm your knight in shining armor

And I love you

You have made me what I am

And I am yours

(IMITATES SLURPING COFFEE)

My love...

- Is that candy?

- I don't know.

(COUGHS)

It is candy.

- I like you.

- I like you.

Tell me something about you.

Well, I'm 19 years old.

My middle name is Courtney.

I can always guess how many jelly

beans are in a jelly bean jar,

even if it's not right.

What about you?

My name is Chani Lastnam.

I'm a real go-getter

and a person people.

I can type 50 words a minute

with only 300 errors.

I'm trained and certified...

BOTH:
To fire a military-grade

missile launcher.

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