Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues Page #6

Me, too.

Chani, I just got these phone

messages from last week.

You mailed them to me?

How else was I gonna

get them to you?

You hand them to me.

Oh.

You are the dumbest person

I've met in my entire life,

and that's not an exaggeration.

That makes me feel bad.

Well, it's the truth, Chani.

(GROWLING) You!

- Leave her alone!

- BOSS:
Excuse me, sir.

Get your filthy hands off of her!

- (SCREAMS)

- Help, help!

Excuse me, sir!

- Leave me alone, lady!

- Excuse me!

She is a goddess among women!

(SHOUTING INCOHERENTLY)

- Glen!

- (ROARS)

My phone messages!

Leave him alone!

Not today!

- She has butterflies in her heart!

- Chani!

I can see you behind that

desk, and you're fired!

Why?

(HISSES)

Are you okay?

You saved my life.

She was trying to set me on fire.

I didn't ask for these powers.

I was given them.

Last night a bird chased me,

and I wished it was you.

Can we go to a date?

(CLEARS THROAT) Yes.

(BOTH WHIMPER)

Dear God, please help

me pull this off.

I swear, if you help me,

I will become a monk.

I will shave my head

and become a monk...

Ah, who are we kidding?

I'm not going to do that.

Oh, did you hear?

Evan said there's some strange

copy in the prompter.

(SIGHS) It's 2:
00 a.m.

It's Freddie Shapp's ass,

not mine. Let's go.

NARRATOR:
People who change history are

rarely aware of it while doing so.

Ron and his news team simply thought

they were making the news more fun.

Little did they know they were changing

the course of broadcast history forever.

Hello, America. It's 2:00 a.m.

Eastern time.

I'm Ron Burgundy,

and tonight's top story is

America.

She's the greatest

country in the world.

Heck, the history of the world!

You're damn right!

(ALL WHOOPING)

Too much of the news is about

what's wrong with America.

Amen, brother!

Well, tonight, our top story

is what's right with America.

Someone's finally talking

sense on the TV.

For starters, we kick butt.

Nazi butt. Russian butt.

What the hell is he doing?

He's talking about America.

Why, do you have a

problem with that?

Tonight I begin part one

of my 11-part series

on the power and mystery

of the human vagina.

This series will be a tasteful look

at just what makes a vagina tick,

as well as a look at the

50 greatest vaginae

of the 20th century.

Son of a b*tch!

(GLASS SHATTERS)

RON:
One final question,

and I'll let you go.

Who tops the list of the

top 50 greatest vaginae?

Well, I don't want to

give anything away.

- (BOTH LAUGHING)

- I thought I had you.

I will give you number two.

- Please.

- Madame Curie.

Of course. Of course.

Whammy! Whammy!

Whammy! Whammy! Whammy!

(REPEATING) Whammy!

Whammy!

Back to you, Ron.

The wind is really windy.

Brick? Brick, can you hear me?

I can't hear you, Ron!

Okay, but you're

answering the question,

so I think you can hear me.

No, I can!

Brick, do you think

there is any danger

to the average person out there?

I'm afraid for the animals

of New York, Ron.

I saw a woman, and her dog

never touched the ground.

You're saying wind gusts as

fast as a supersonic jet?

It looked like she was

walking a dog balloon.

And go... Switch.

And for our eighth and final

animal story of the night,

it looks like residents

of North Yulk, Montana,

have found the cutest

little patriot

on God's green earth.

(RON LAUGHING)

Look at that little guy!

Oh, wow, he was having some fun.

Well, for all of us here at GNN,

I'm Ron Burgundy.

And don't just have a great night,

have an American night.

FREDDIE:
And we're out!

Wow! (LAUGHS)

I couldn't take my eyes

- off the screen!

- Yes.

You were electric, Ron! Whammy!

That just felt right!

That felt right!

I was outside!

You sure were, Brick.

Wonderful job.

BRIAN:
Amazing. Great job.

What the hell was that?

What the hell was that?

Hey, hey, hey.

Take it easy, Linda.

We were just trying something new.

You changed the format

of the entire show

without consulting me?

That's unacceptable!

Damn straight, sister. We just

done went and brought it!

And here's the truth.

You can't handle it, little mama!

Get out! You are all

terminated immediately.

If you were a man,

I'd knock you out.

Oh. Oh, really? Well, go ahead!

Take a swing! Take your best shot!

I have five brothers,

and two of them are defensive

backs in the NFL, so come on!

- You want me to do it?

- Yeah.

This thing's not gonna feel good.

Do it, Ron. Just do it.

Are you scared? What's the problem?

Is he a chicken? Are you a chicken?

- (LINDA CLUCKING)

- (LAUGHING)

I'm not a chicken at all.

I'm going to make that

mustache of yours all bloody.

(CHUCKLES)

Well...

Seems like you're buying time, Ron.

I'm not buying time.

Ron! Just do what men have been

doing for thousands of years,

and punch the woman.

- Punch her!

- You're stalling.

Punch the woman!

Here comes the Toledo

Express. All aboard!

(GRUNTING)

Ron! No!

(GRUNTING)

I didn't do it!

(SQUEALING)

Mama, your baby's hurt.

Your baby.

(HIGH-PITCHED WHIMPERING)

What is that sound you're

making? Good Lord!

(CONTINUES WHIMPERING)

BRIAN:
You sound like a balloon.

Pull yourself together, man.

Security!

They saw my pee-pee.

The eighth grade

boys saw my pee-pee!

Did you say they saw your pee-pee?

RON:
In the locker room,

they saw my pee-pee.

You just knocked him

back into fifth grade.

Get him out of here!

KENCH:
Bugger me with a didgeridoo.

We knew we'd struggle to start,

but these ratings are lower

than I'd even imagined.

AD SALES GUY:

Thank God for the 2:00 a.m. spike.

It really saved our whole launch.

Spike? What are you talking about?

What spike?

Burgundy. Who's Ron Burgundy?

No, no, no, this can't be right.

His team start at a .2,

and then they finish at a 5.6?

That's unbelievable!

They tripled Jack Lime's numbers!

How is that even possible?

(LAUGHS) Who are these guys?

They're a local team

out of San Diego.

You little beauty!

Well, they no longer work for us.

I fired them.

Well, guys, it goes without saying

I owe you gentlemen an apology.

I dragged you out here and this thing

was a disaster from the word "go."

No, Ron, don't you

beat yourself up.

Yeah, it's all right, Ron.

Gin.

Brian, any idea what

you might do next?

BRIAN:
Gonna head back to L.A.

I got a good group of

buddies out there.

O.J. Simpson.

Phil Spector. Robert Blake.

Sounds like a fun crew.

We go out cruising chicks.

Call ourselves the "Ladykillers."

I love that name. You should get it

on the back of matching jackets.

(LAUGHS) That's not a bad idea.

(BARKING)

Uh, guys?

Hey.

I got some news.

Freddie, we don't exactly want to

hear the word "news" right now.

(SCOFFS) Yeah.

You're right. Forget it.

Forget I was even here.

Forget that GNN wants you back.

For a prime time slot

and a raise in pay.

Quit yanking our penises, Freddie!

What's the deal?

Yeah! Quit yanking our anuses.

No. I'm not yanking your...

Your ratings went through the roof.

People love what you did.

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