Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues Page #7

You're a success!

Get it? You're a great,

big, fat success!

By the bed pan of Gene Rayburn!

It's total crap and they

can't stop watching!

(ALL CHEERING)

NARRATOR:
The news team

had been famous in San Diego,

but that was small time

compared to New York.

This fame was a rocket ship.

A rocket ship that had free drinks

and topless stewardesses.

That'll do it for all

of us here at GNN.

Thank God for the events,

thank me for the news.

I'm Jack...

...Lame.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

More graphics, all right?

But there's already a lot.

Hey, you heard the man.

More graphics.

Let a citizen ask a question here,

for God's sake!

Can Father Ron please shut

his mouth for half a second?

(ALL ARGUING)

This is against everything

that I have worked

for my entire life.

Oh, honey, come on.

(DISCO MUSIC PLAYING)

If you're like me,

you need an underwear

that fits your active lifestyle.

ANNOUNCER:
At finer specialty

and department stores.

I'm weatherman Brick Tamland,

and I like butter.

Butter is nutritious

and it tastes great.

(YELLING) Butter!

There's something new on

the New York social scene.

It's fun, relatively benign

and costs about as much

as a soda pop at the

local drugstore.

Here's Brian Fantana

on why everyone who is someone

is lighting up to smoke crack.

Now, Brian, I understand

we have some crack

and we're going to smoke it

right here in the studio.

I don't know if we can

get a shot of that.

What is that? Did you know

they were gonna have that?

No.

Now, what you're gonna do is, you're

gonna put your rock in the pipe.

Is that where the phrase "Put it in

your pipe and smoke it" comes from?

I don't care.

- I love it when you do cooking segments.

- Mmm.

Oh! Oh, whoa!

You feel that right away.

Wow, that's good. That's good.

That's an immediate state of euphoria.

You'll be surprised.

The effect, it happens very... Ohh!

It's just refreshing.

They're actually enjoying it.

Of course they're enjoying it.

It's crack.

RON:
Well, now we know, guys,

you can't smoke crack

on live television.

(ALL CHEERING)

Hey, gang.

You know what would make

this great day even better?

What?

Perms for everyone!

ALL:
Yay!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Please come in and shut the door.

If this is about sweeps, um,

I think Brian Fantana found

an outstanding story.

It's about airplane parts

that are falling off of airplanes out of

the sky and hitting the ground, people.

We're calling it "Death From

Above." We might do some...

You. Come here.

I've been watching you.

You have?

(CHUCKLES)

I've been watching you a lot.

And you just do whatever you want.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I'm a bit

of a maverick, I guess.

You don't follow the format.

You pretty much walk around like...

Like you're king of the world.

I'm just a worker bee.

That's all I am.

- You know what?

- What?

Oh!

I find it hot as sh*t!

Are you going to hurt me?

Here's the thing, Mr. Burgundy.

You're a shooting star and

I want to go for a ride.

God, I'm so afraid right now.

Now, I want to hear

you meow like a cat.

(MEOWS)

(SNARLING)

(MEOWS WEAKLY)

Now, I want you to bark like a dog.

- Bark. Bark. Bark!

- (BARKING)

Like a puppy. Like a puppy.

(BARKS SOFTLY)

- (BARKING)

- (MEOWING)

(BOTH GROWLING)

Yeah. Come on! Do it!

- (SOBBING)

- Mmm.

Aw.

Don't cry.

(BARKING)

It's sexual and yet frightening.

- It's an odd mixture.

- (KNOCK ON DOOR)

Come in.

Uh, Linda.

Excuse me, Linda.

Ron, Jack wants to know

if he can go back to calling himself

Jack Lime instead of Jack Lame.

He's really struggling with it.

No. Can't. It's a bet.

Oh, Jesus!

If you want to change it, you can.

Like what?

Art Areola.

No! No, that's worse!

You know it's worse!

How about this one?

You can call yourself Dick F***.

Spell it P-H-U-C.

You'll be huge in the

Vietnamese community.

Freddie, I can't.

Listen to me, Burgundy. This is

far from over, do you hear me?

I'll see you on the playground.

Well.

This, uh, meeting has

been very productive.

You can pick me up at 8:00.

Okay, I'm very confused

by what's going on here.

Get out!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, Ron.

Ron, you are missing some real

high-quality Garfield laughs over here!

I think our boss just raped me.

What?

I don't know what happened.

All a bit of a blur.

There was hands and hair,

and breath, and lips.

There might have been

other people, I don't know.

Sounds like she wants you.

Hey, man.

Women have been all over me

since we got crazy famous.

Not to brag or anything, but I just

gave Florence Henderson crabs.

That is in no way a brag, Brian.

That's horrible.

Hey, it's just doing something

beautiful, that two people do.

Except one of them has

microscopic dust mites

- all over his penis and testicles.

- RON:
I'm just saying,

the mom of The Brady Bunch

had a fun time with you,

and then woke up the next day

and realized she had crabs.

I gave her a whole

Brady Bunch of crabs.

(LAUGHS)

Sounds to me like it's her fault

for being a randy gal.

I have a date!

Brick has a date?

Good for Brick!

What's a date?

A date is simply when two

people get together,

do something social,

have a few drinks,

yadda-yadda-yadda...

Take their shirts off...

(GROWLS)

- Oh, it's okay.

- RON:
No, it's a fun thing.

It's fun. It's all right.

Look. Don't worry, Brick,

we got your back, okay?

First things first, we need to

get you a little protection.

RON:
Oh!

There it is.

Brian Fantana's glorious

cabinet of condoms.

Oh, Brian, I know. How

about The Hooded Guest?

I like the cut of your jib.

RON:
That one is ultra-ribbed.

It's like you're wearing an

armadillo shell on your privates.

It takes two hours to get on.

It's hooded. She'll

never see you coming.

Oh, oh. Wait, wait, wait.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

"Lou Dobin's Good

Time Weiner Pouch."

That's a good one.

Dobin. Just a drifter who loves

to watch people have sex.

They're made of denim,

so they look better

after each washing.

Talk about a great ride.

BRIAN:
I think I have it.

Po' Boy Condom.

It's a terrific condom.

Although it does burn a bit because

it's covered in Cajun spices.

It'll put a blister

on your po' boy.

Brian, what's the nickname for your

penis whenever you wear a Po' Boy?

Fat Tuesday.

Wait a minute. I've got it.

- "The Rigid Ghost."

- RON:
Mmm.

Ah, it's the best damn

rubber on the market.

Hah, I got four of my seven illegitimate

children using this condom.

Uh, but, Brian, isn't that the

whole point of wearing a condom?

To not impregnate the woman?

Well, you know the old expression.

"Nope."

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Thank you, Ron,

and happy St. Patrick's Day

to all of our Native

American friends.

On the big map...

Where's my map?

There's no map, it's just green.

No, there's a map there.

Look at the monitor.

Right. Oh. (WHIMPERS)

Ron, where's my legs?

- Where are my legs?

- Your legs are there.

I don't have any legs, Ron.

I don't even know how

I'm standing up.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes