Anchorman 2: The Legend Continues Page #8

Brick, your legs are fine.

The color of your

pants just matches...

Ron, I don't have any legs!

(SOBBING)

The Chroma-Key behind you.

Ninety-three?

Ninety-three?

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

Relax.

(SCREAMING)

And after I received my Masters

in Journalism from Columbia,

I got a job with the London

bureau for ABC News.

Wow, London.

You're so impressive, and I've only

been out of the United States twice.

A handful of times in Mexico,

and then the second time I left the

country, we went to Salem, Oregon.

Mr. Burgundy, are you nervous?

God, yes.

Did I scare you by

coming on so strong?

A little bit, sure.

- Look, it's not that you're not attractive...

- Mmm-hmm?

It's just I'm a

little old-fashioned.

- Well, I am a modern woman.

- Mmm.

And let me tell you, when I see

something that I want, I go for it.

Can I ask you a question?

Mmm-hmm.

Is that your foot between my legs?

No.

Oh. I'm sorry.

It was my hand.

So...

We're going to do this, aren't we?

We most definitely

are gonna do this.

I feel a little awkward,

because I'm...

(LOUDLY) I'm about to have

sex with a black lady!

(IN NORMAL VOICE)

I'm sorry! I'm sorry.

- Mmm.

- That's not the way

I like to handle my business.

When I get nervous, I sometimes lose

control of the volume of my voice.

Well, I don't mind, because

I am going to have you tonight.

Then let's leave (LOUDLY)

and go have interracial sex!

(WHISPERING) Sorry.

(R&B MUSIC PLAYING)

This is the nicest soda machine

anyone's ever taken me to.

The beauty of this soda machine

pales in comparison to your beauty.

Can I ask you a personal question?

I'm not sure what that is, but yes.

Have you ever kissed anyone?

Do faces on the TV screen and Planet

of the Apes action figures count?

Of course.

Then, yes.

I have kissed Angie

Dickinson and Dr. Zaius.

I've only kissed

people in my dreams.

So, I've only kissed a tiny dragon

and a woman with her hair on fire.

I don't have a lot of experience with

kissing, but I do know one thing...

Always get your teeth involved.

I think I'm ready to maybe

try that kiss thing now.

Hello, Ms. Jackson.

I didn't mean to scare you.

Mr. Allenby, I wasn't

expecting you to...

Yeah, no, I know. Neither was I.

But then I heard about

this little story

that Ron Burgundy and Brian

Fantana are running.

You see, some of the

planes from my airline

have had parts falling

off them lately.

Is it a problem? Yeah.

Is it being fixed?

I don't know, probably.

But if that story runs,

then Koala stock will plummet.

We can't just pull the story.

That would be unethical.

We own the news.

We can do whatever we want.

That's one of the perks.

It's called "synergy." One

company working with another.

To synergy.

You seem a little

quiet, I must say.

Just so you know, I'm absolutely fine

with going to this family dinner.

They're going to love you.

Mmm. This is delicious!

So...

How long have you and

Linda been dating?

- Mother.

- (CHUCKLING)

Oh.

No, it's all right. It's

a logical question.

Urn...

Ours is a new love,

but it burns very brightly.

And it gets hot and

sweaty and stanky.

There's some stank on that love.

What... What are

you talking about?

Let's put it this way,

I be busting nuts like a squirrel.

Oh, now, we don't have conversations

like that over dinner.

(WHISPERING) What are you doing?

I'm addressing the white

elephant in the room.

I'm breaking down the barriers

of race by assimilation.

- That's all I'm doing.

- Well, you're coming off like a jerk.

I think it's going well.

LINDA'S FATHER:
(CLEARS THROAT)

If you haven't noticed,

we don't converse like that.

Okay, okay.

Look at big papa down here.

He's saying to himself,

"Sh*t! Look at this honky.

"Sittin' at my table, eatin' my food.

In my house? Touching my daughter?"

I have.

- I have touched your daughter.

- LINDA:
Honey!

We have done things, Papa.

You ain't gonna like.

You ain't gonna like it none!

Oh, my goodness!

I mean, I'm just a guy

from Terre Haute, Indiana

with a big ol' dick and a fat wallet

and a spleef the size of a baby arm.

Just looking for someone

who wants to smoke it.

Let's get some smoke going

in this place, right?

This ain't no Super Fly.

What is your problem, man?

Linda, I don't understand

what you are doing with him.

Oh, you know what

I'm comin' at you with,

you big black mother of Linda.

Mix it up in a pot!

- Makin' it spicy!

- Oh, my Lord.

- Hey.

- In the back, cooking up chitlins.

Big ol' titties. Big ol' titties.

Excuse me?

- That's my mama, man.

- RON:
Hey.

Wave your hands in the air.

Wave your hands in the air

like you just don't care.

Please, don't do this.

Now, which one of you

pipe-hittin' b*tches

- can pass me the mashed potatoes?

- (ALL GASPING)

RON:
I don't think that dinner

could've gone any better.

LINDA:
(YELLING) Are you nuts?

No, I'm not! I had a

wonderful evening!

My dad was kicking you in the head!

I thought it was like

being jumped into a gang.

Only with dinner guests!

You called my family

"pipe-hittin' b*tches"!

I hate to pin it on you, but

you did invite me to dinner.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

- No, I'm sorry.

- I just...

I'm just under a lot of

stress because Allenby,

he doesn't want you to do the story

that you're doing for sweeps.

"Death From Above."

It's an excellent story.

Wonderful expose.

Listen, Ron.

Have you ever heard of synergy?

So your morn thought

we should get together,

spend a little time.

She doesn't think I connect

with you as a child.

Can you believe that bullshit?

(SCOFFS)

Oh! This is hard.

Things you say to a 6-year-old...

Oh! Guess what?

I slept with a black woman.

- What?

- Nothing.

Dad, do you like Spider-Man?

Nope. Don't care for him.

Never have.

Don't like the mask, the costume,

the get-up, the webs. Uh-uh.

He comes off like a real d*ckhead.

Real poser.

What's a poser?

A poser is Gary.

That's what a poser is.

By the way, how is that shitheel?

What's a shitheel?

A shitheel is a real fun term

that you should call Gary

every time you see him.

When he wakes you up for breakfast,

say, "Good morning, shitheel."

He'll probably give

you $5 or some candy.

- Does that sound good?

- Yeah.

You're a shitheel, Dad.

(LAUGHS) Good.

You should just call Gary that.

'Cause it makes him really happy.

It makes me sort of happy,

but it makes him really happy.

- Dad.

- Huh?

Sometimes I hear sounds at night

and I get scared.

I think there's a

ghost in my closet.

Now, you listen to me, son.

There is no such thing as ghosts.

Case closed.

So what's real that's scary?

You really want to know the one

thing you should be afraid of?

Yes, I really do.

Voodoo.

- Voodoo?

- Yes, voodoo.

That sh*t will mess you up.

And it is 100% real.

Promise me that you'll

never go to Haiti.

I promise, Dad.

This was good. I enjoyed

spending time with you.

Me, too, Dad.

And hey. Do you want to

go to Haiti sometime?

- No.

- Good. Good.

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