Anger Management Page #3

today. No more Fudgeicles.

-What's an anger ally?

-Who's that?

She making fun of me?

No. That's my girlfriend.

You tell her to put a sock in it because

l need to talk to you right now!

We're a little busy right now.

You're busy? We're all busy, okay?

You come down here before

a black wolf swallows my brain!

After l got kicked out of the Army,

l went through a real bad time:

Hookers, booze, shooting holes in the

ceiling, screaming myself to sleep.

Finally, my parents said l

had to move out.

I'm guessing that's when you decided

to shack up with your aunt.

Don't get cute, wiseass!

But, yes.

What's with the watch, huh?

Am l boring you?

We ordered the drinks 1 5 minutes ago

and l kind of gotta get back.

Miss? Excuse me, miss?

Is this Slow And Stupid Waitress Day?

I'm sorry. I be right with you.

Damn, man, reminds me

of these chicks back in the war.

Would give you the old licky-licky,

then fry your banana.

Settle.

I have seen some sh*t, man.

I kid you not, l have seen some sh*t.

Wake up to the sound

of kids screaming.

Explosions everywhere.

Never know when your number's up.

Vietnam, huh?

-Grenada, man.

-Grenada?

Wasn't that like 1 2 hours long?

Did you see that?

-See what?

-That guy. He just gave me a look.

He didn't give you a look.

And l'm pretty sure l heard him mutter

some kind of anti-Semitic remark.

Are you Jewish?

I could be. But, no. Half lrish,

half ltalian, half Mexican.

Let's go give those guys some tsuris.

Well, the guy on the left is blind,

Chuck.

I hear you.

He's yours.

No. That's not what l was saying.

-Hey.

-What the hell?

Got something against guys

with hair?

What's going on?

Don't! Stop it! Stop!

Stop! Goosfraba!

You piece of sh*t!

Stop it! Stop it!

Welcome back, Mr. Buznik.

I see you've managed to brutalize

a cocktail waitress this time.

I guess beating up stewardesses

can get old after a while.

Flight attendant, Your Honor.

I didn't hit her on purpose,

Your Honor.

I was being attacked by someone...

...and while l was

trying to take away his....

His....

Trying to take away my cane,

Your Honor.

You cracked a waitress in the face...

...while attempting to steal

a blind man's cane?

Your Honor, we're not even sure

how blind this man really is.

Okay. My bad. Moving on.

Happy now, ass-wipe?

Mr. Buznik, l don't know

why you hate women.

Maybe you don't know either...

...but l'll let you think about it while

you spend one year in a state prison.

-Isn't that a bit harsh, Your Honor?

-No!

Okay.

-May l approach, Your Honor?

-By all means, Dr. Rydell.

Thank you.

-It's been a while.

-Yes, it has.

-You look marvelous, Brenda.

-Thank you.

-And how are the boys?

-Fantastic.

James made the basketball team,

Raheem landed the lead...

...in Fiddler on the Roof.

Raheem will make

a breathtaking Tevye, l'm sure.

So do you have a take

on this Buznik guy?

Is this good or bad?

Well, it's bad that he's

talking to her...

...but it's good that....

No, it's bad. It's all bad.

-You think you can help him?

-I think so, Your Honor.

If l can't, l'll tear him apart

with my bare hands.

Mr. Buznik...

...because of the enormous respect

l have for Dr. Rydell...

...l'm placing you in his intensive

anger management program...

...for 30 days.

But if you fail to strictly adhere

to the rules of his program...

...you will spend the next year

in state prison.

-Buddy?

-Good evening. Ready to get it on?

Get what on?

What are you doing here?

Well, well, well.

The lair of the rage rhino.

I smell the effluvium

of pain and frustration.

-Where should we put my stuff?

-What stuff?

We've got 30 days

to control your anger.

My approach dictates

intense observation.

What better vantage point

than bunkmates?

Put that there, Dan,

thank you very much.

No. No. I'm sorry. Guys, l don't think

you should be moving in with me.

Sit down, Dave.

Let's be perfectly clear about this.

You've been deemed

a threat to society.

I believe that radical,

round-the-clock therapy...

...is the only way to effect

a meaningful and positive change...

...in your behavior.

Now we can do it here

or Rikers lsland.

-Anything else, Dr. B?

-No thanks, Dan.

We'll install the wiretaps tomorrow.

Wiretaps?

-Is this your CD collection?

-Yes.

Oh, my.

What are you doing?

I don't want you listening

to any angry music.

The Carpenters are angry?

l mean....

Don't be naive, Dave.

"Close to You."

"We've Only Just Begun."

Songs of madness and obsession.

Who's going to pay for that?

Retard your anger level a few notches

and listen to me. Can you do that?

Yeah. It's retarded. I'm retarded.

Good.

Now then, we need to go over

some ground rules.

My girlfriend got me that.

You're to refrain from violent acts

including verbal assault...

...and vulgar hand gestures.

You may not use rage-enhancing

substances...

...such as caffeine, nicotine, alcohol,

crack cocaine...

...Slippy-Flippies, Jelly Stingers,

Trick Sticks...

...Bing Bangs or Flying Willards.

-How about Fiddle Faddles?

-Under my supervision.

Also, if you are unable

to stop masturbating...

...please do so without the use

of any pornographic images...

...depicting quote-unquote

"angry sex."

That having been said,

l'm a pretty good guy...

...and l think you'll be

pleasantly surprised...

...at how much fun we can have.

Jeez, without Slippy-Flippies or angry

masturbating? How is that possible?

Sarcasm is anger's ugly cousin.

From now on, unacceptable.

Dave, l got this for you.

It's a wonderfully therapeutic tool.

Record your thoughts on this

whenever you feel angry.

I'm feeling very angry right now...

...because l only have one bed

and no couch.

Not a problem.

In Europe, it's not considered unusual

for three or four men to share a bed.

Yeah, well, that's why l'm

proud to be an American.

By the way....

I like to sleep in the nude.

You hear that frog?

Nope.

What do you want?

I'm just recording your demeanor

upon awakening.

Good to see you got your underwear

back on.

I don't gotta be up till 7.

You've got to make my breakfast.

Dave, cooking is very relaxing

and therapeutic.

I want two eggs,

over easy and unfertilized...

...wheat toast, dry, and please...

...tell me you've got ketchup.

There's a Denny's down the street.

Not only do they have ketchup...

...but they got the angriest waitresses

l've seen.

You could have a blast with

the goosfraba thing down there.

Lame-o.

Your eggs.

-Holy sh*t!

-I said over easy! !

Now, why did l do that?

Because l refused to spoon with you

last night?

The angry man opens his mouth

and shuts his eyes.

Alpha-Bits.

No matter how old l get,

always a culinary delight.

No explanation for the egg throwing.

He's a psycho.

Don't sulk, Dave. Eat. Sit down.

We'll be off to work in a jiffy.

"We'll be off to work." Now, by "we'll,"

l assume you mean just me, right?

Well, l have to join you at work.

Full contact.

That will make me look nuts, Buddy,

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