Anger Management Page #5

...has learned the difference between

unhealthy anger and righteous anger.

Thus he has advanced

to the second level of my program.

Great. Can l go throw up now?

I'm a lady. Oops, no, l'm not.

-Whoa, there it is.

-I feel like dancing.

Wasn't that sick?

She looked like Olivia Newton-John...

...if she was really ugly

and had huge balls.

But Buddy didn't order you

to have sex.

I'm getting a call. Please hang on.

-Hello?

-Is Buddy there ?

No, he's in the shower right now.

This is Becky, his assistant.

Just tell him his mom called

from Boston.

She said she's having

some minor surgery.

It's not serious, but she'll be at Boston

County H.ospital for the next two days.

Miracles of modern science.

I am stimulating my hair follicles...

...and brushing my teeth

at the same time.

It looks really good.

What's the matter?

Your mom. They took her

to the hospital, Buddy.

What's wrong with my mother?

She's having surgery.

I'm sorry.

-Is it serious?

-When is surgery not serious?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're right.

Maybe l better get up to Boston...

...see what's going on up there.

Yeah. Yeah.

Why don't you just go up there.

Spend some quality time. I'll stay here.

It'll be good for you guys.

Oh, God.

You're all l got, Mom.

Please don't leave me.

No more clam chowder.

Buddy...

...it was a joke.

I'm sorry.

You don't have to cry anymore.

-A joke?

-Yeah.

Oh, boy.

A joke. A jo-- I....

I can't believe that l fell for that one.

I really thought my mother

was having surgery.

I'm going to get you back for that one.

Just so you know,

she really is having surgery.

I thought you said you were joking.

No, the serious part was the joke.

She's having surgery,

but just minor surgery.

Maybe l better get up to Boston...

...see what's really going on up there.

Why don't you--? You just

shoot up there. I'll be here.

What?

-I can't believe he's making me go.

-How come you guys aren't flying?

Because Dr. Cocoa Puff said legally

l'm not allowed to get on a plane.

Meanwhile, l've got Head up my ass

about that catalog.

I've got to get it done with nut-boy

in Boston.

Why can't Head write his own catalog?

Because l've got to earn

that promotion.

You've been doing his job for years.

You should be his--

I'm sorry. I know this is really

stressing you out.

I'm sure that it's going to be over

before you know it.

Yeah, if l don't get caught

popping any Jelly Stingers.

Well, that's going to be tough!

Oh, God. There he is.

-That's him?

-Yes.

What? Oh. Okay, l'll hold that.

My--

The quiet warmth

Smoldering beneath the rituals

Of hope for familiarity

A coursing underground river

Pregnant with the chance currents

Of knowledge and love

-What?

-That's my poem! l wrote that.

I know.

That is your poem. I love that poem.

I found it crumpled up

behind the sports pages...

...on the floor of David's bedroom.

-Shades of early Emily Dickinson.

-Who was great on Police Woman.

Thank you. And thank you

for rescuing it from the floor.

I think l better get going.

I'll miss you, big guy,

so take good care.

-How about a kiss?

-I'd love a kiss.

I think she's talking to me.

I think l can handle it.

So why don't you back up

an inch or two.

Got it.

Thank you. And, take care.

Have a great trip, you guys.

Oh, we will.

Bye.

What?

Some mindless nitwit

is parked behind me.

Good. Then we can't go.

No, l can get out.

-Get in.

-I don't know how you'll get out.

Try to wiggle out, you're going to get

a ding. But you know everything.

What's he doing?

Well, you're batting a thousand...

...in craziness.

Now we're bumping into cars.

I'm just making a little room

to back up.

If l had lost my temper...

...would l have had

the presence of mind...

...to leave my card

and my insurance information?

Whatever, Mr. Insane-Vein-Popping-

A-Little-Too-Far-Out-Of-His-Head-...

...While-Swinging-The-Bat Guy.

I think you've got room to back up.

Why haven't you taken Linda

off the market?

Think you can do better?

I'm going to ask her to marry me

when l'm ready.

Nobody wants to settle down

with a 35-year-old secretary.

Procrastination, Dave.

I'm not procrastinating.

I even think about how l'm

going to pop the question.

Husky down jacket.

Husky Eskimo look.

What's your plan,

ask her at a Yankee game?

Actually, yes. How did you know?

I said the corniest thing

l could think of.

If you knew Linda, you'd know

how uncorny it would be to her.

Putting up a "Marry me, please"

on the scoreboard...

...proclaiming my love for her

in front of thousands of strangers.

As you seem to have noticed, l'm

a little bit jumpy with public affection.

You seemed to be lovey-dovey

back there.

Glad you think that's funny.

I gotta work.

A five-hour trip to find out Mommy

had a jelly bean...

...removed from her nose.

I'm glad l missed work.

Can we eat now?

You could have her, you know.

I'm sure she'd love to hang out

with a goofy secretary...

...whose only talent

is nostril wiggling.

-Girls love that.

-Dave...

...you've got a lot more going for you

than wiggly nostrils.

I want you to go over there

and ask that woman out.

No, l got a girlfriend.

I'm not telling you to elope with her.

Just go over and flirt a little bit.

Flirting is cheating's ugly cousin,

Buddy.

I'm not a cheater.

Is it cheating if you're passed around

the cell block like a peace pipe?

Because that is what's on the docket

for you if you don't go and ask her out.

Okay, Dave?

Oh, God.

That's my boy.

Excuse me.

I was wondering if l could buy you

a drink. I see that you have a drink...

...but l could get you another

when you're through with that one.

Bite me.

Nice meeting you. Okay.

Can you guess why she rejected you?

She wanted to be like the 2000 other

girls who said that to me growing up?

No. Self-hypnotic negative imagery.

Confidence is the key

to winning a young lady's attention.

Now, listen to me very carefully.

-Approach Miss Thing again.

-No.

With confidence.

And if she says no this time...

...l will admit that l am a failure

as a therapist...

...and release you from my program.

You'll release me from your program?

Just go over there

and repeat the following...

...verbatim:

I'm sorry l was so rude before...

...but it's difficult for me

to express myself...

...when l'm on the verge of exploding

in my pants.

-Get out of here.

-Trust me, Dave.

If you are calm as well as witty,

she will respond.

Witty went out the window with

the pants explosion thing, thanks.

My offer stands.

So if l repeat that crazy sh*t...

...you probably stole from

a porno flick, you sick bastard...

...and get rejected...

...you'll release me from the program?

Exactly.

Here we go.

Go get them, Mr. Johnson.

I'm sorry l was so rude before...

...but it's difficult for me...

...to express myself...

...when l am on the verge...

...of exploding in my pants.

You are too cute.

Get the f*** out of here.

-I'm Kendra.

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