Anger Management Page #6

-I'm Dave.

Let me buy you a drink.

Can l get a cosmopolitan?

I couldn't take it anymore...

...so finally l just tell my boss:

"Hey, baldy, if l want crap out of you,

l'll squeeze your head."

-I didn't say that, but l should have.

-You are so funny.

Too bad you're leaving town.

We could have fun together.

Unfortunately, l am leaving

in the morning.

In fact, l think l gotta get back

to my friend.

What's the matter?

-You gotta be kidding me.

-What's wrong?

My friend took off on me.

I can give you a ride.

I don't even know where the guy lives.

We can hang out at my place until you

get in touch with him.

I bet there's like 50 Rydells in here.

I shouldn't eat this. I'm getting so fat.

What? You're not fat.

My clothes hide it, but l'm

getting gooey right here.

I don't see any goo.

You want to see goo,

l'll show you my ass.

Well, l see it,

and l didn't five years ago.

I went out with this guy,

and he wouldn't sleep with me.

And l asked him why, and he said that

when he saw me without my clothes...

...that l look like a porker.

He was probably just nervous

because you're beautiful and....

Anyways, you're not a porker.

You're the un-porker.

You're Sizzlean.

-You're so sweet, Dave.

-Well, you're sweet, Kendra.

Thanks for having me here.

He said her name was Rose.

Rose.

Rose Rydell. Rose Rydell.

Rose Rydell.

Rose Rydell! l got it!

Kendra...

...even though l'd love to see you

take that bra off...

...because it represents a team

l've hated my entire life...

...l think you gotta keep it on.

Why?

Because l got a girlfriend.

I'm not a child, Dave.

If you think l'm a porker, then just

come right out and say it.

No. I don't think you're a porker.

Then why when the idea of sleeping

with me comes up...

...do you all of a sudden

have a "girlfriend"?

Because l do. I do. I have a girlfriend.

Said the liar to the beached whale!

You're not a beached whale.

If anything, you could even

gain a few pounds.

So now l'm too skinny for you?

No. I didn't mean that.

-Is this what you want, Dave?

-No.

If l put on a few pounds...

...will you be able to stifle your vomit

long enough to have sex with me?!

Holy sh*t.

Are you such a hot stud

that you'll break me in two?!

You're angry right now. Wanna sing?

Do you know "l Feel Pretty"?

-Get out! Get out!

-Stop!

Get out!

Get out! !

Porker!

Fatty!

No! !

How did it go, pal?

-Why'd you ditch me?

-What are you talking about?

You gave me the signal.

I didn't give you the signal to leave.

I gave you the signal to say your

gross pickup line actually worked.

Well, of course it did.

So did Little Davey need

some anger management?

-That chick was killer.

-Serial killer.

She tried to chocolate me to death.

Anyways, l don't cheat on Linda.

-Speaking of Linda, she called earlier.

-Oh, yeah?

She seemed a little bit

bent out of shape.

-About what?

-Your being out with another woman.

-How would she know that?

-I told her.

-What else could l do?

-What else could you do?

You could've told her something else.

I was at the bank. I was at the store.

I ate bad guacamole

and l couldn't stop shitting!

Any of those would have been fine!

Well, l'm sorry, Dave, but l don't lie

for my patients.

You want to leave your friend and

run off and chase some hot babe...

...you can't expect me to cover for you.

I did what you told me to do,

you sick, demented man.

What are you laughing at?

What's so funny?

Kendra is an ex-patient of mine,

an actress. Pretty good one too.

I arranged for her to be in the bar

and for you to pick her up.

You were messing with me?

Yeah. You know, just a joke

between friends...

...like the one you pulled on me

about my dying mother.

I told you l'd get you back for that.

All right.

So you really didn't talk to Linda.

Of course l did.

That's what made it so funny.

Where's your phone?

She's not home, Dave.

She went out with her pal Andrea.

She doesn't know any Andreas.

You mean Andrew?

Yeah, that's it.

Andrew, the testicle with legs.

"The testicle with legs." Great! !

Now wait a minute. Calm down a bit.

Try some deep breathing.

Maybe just hum a little "l Feel Pretty."

No! ! How about you hum

the "l'm a Crazy A**hole" song?

And take me home, you

psychotic piece of wacko.

I never thought you'd take it like this.

So, what, we're not going to talk at all?

Would you forgive me if l told you

l called Linda last night...

...after our little fracas

and explained that it was my fault?

What did she say?

Well, she's not mad at you anymore,

but she let me have it pretty good.

You deserved it. I did nothing wrong.

I know. I know.

Friends?

-Take a little nap.

-I am tired.

Well, you had a rough night.

Stop with the cupcake!

Rise and shine, Sir Snoozola.

What's going on? Where are we?

Well, at a great deal of expense

and effort...

...we have managed to locate

your grade school bte noire...

...Arnie Shankman.

We do desire a confrontation with him,

do we not?

What? Do you mean the kid

who bullied me in fifth grade?

Dave, l think it's pivotal for you

to confront your childhood nemesis.

Remember, for 22 more days,

you are mine.

This is where Arnie Shankman lives?

You're kidding me. You're going to

make me confront a monk.

Great.

Are you ashamed that you

never stood up to him?

No. He was just a kid lashing out...

...because his sister got sent

to an insane asylum.

I'm surprised your research

didn't tell you that.

This doesn't look like him.

Excuse me, Arnie Shankman?

Sorry about waking you up.

My name is Pana Kamanana...

...but, yes, l was once known

as Arnie Shankman.

Arnie....

Pana Kamanana...

...Dave Buznik

from elementary school.

David Buznik.

This is the last place l thought

l'd find you, a monastery.

You could say l've gone through

a rather dramatic transformation.

Could you excuse him for a second,

Peanuts?

His name's not Peanuts.

It's Pana Manapia.

You want me to fight a monk?

He's not even allowed to hurt a plant.

For Pete's sake, this is the monk

that twisted your tits!

Confront him or you're going to prison!

All right. All right. All right.

Anyways, what l wanted to say to you

was...

...when we were kids, you kind of

bullied me around a little bit...

...and l never really did anything

to deserve that kind of treatment.

Of course not. I was a real cretin then.

I did a lot of horrible things as a kid.

I pushed you around.

I called you nasty names.

You pulled my gym shorts down

in front of Sara Plowman.

That actually was pretty funny.

Jeez, l don't think that it was.

Now, come, David.

Humor is the spice of life.

The look on your face was priceless.

"Oh! Sara saw my pee-pee!"

So Pena likes the spicy humor.

Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper

you told me about the great Buddha.

What did you say about Buddha?

Dave said, "How does a guy

who weighs over 600 pounds...

...have the balls to teach people

about self-discipline?"

Let's not make fun of my God, here.

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