Anger Management Page #6
-I'm Dave.
Let me buy you a drink.
Can l get a cosmopolitan?
I couldn't take it anymore...
...so finally l just tell my boss:
"Hey, baldy, if l want crap out of you,
l'll squeeze your head."
-I didn't say that, but l should have.
-You are so funny.
Too bad you're leaving town.
We could have fun together.
Unfortunately, l am leaving
in the morning.
In fact, l think l gotta get back
to my friend.
What's the matter?
-What's wrong?
My friend took off on me.
I can give you a ride.
I don't even know where the guy lives.
We can hang out at my place until you
get in touch with him.
I bet there's like 50 Rydells in here.
I shouldn't eat this. I'm getting so fat.
What? You're not fat.
My clothes hide it, but l'm
getting gooey right here.
I don't see any goo.
You want to see goo,
l'll show you my ass.
Well, l see it,
and l didn't five years ago.
I went out with this guy,
and he wouldn't sleep with me.
And l asked him why, and he said that
when he saw me without my clothes...
...that l look like a porker.
He was probably just nervous
because you're beautiful and....
Anyways, you're not a porker.
You're the un-porker.
You're Sizzlean.
-You're so sweet, Dave.
-Well, you're sweet, Kendra.
Thanks for having me here.
He said her name was Rose.
Rose.
Rose Rydell. Rose Rydell.
Rose Rydell.
Rose Rydell! l got it!
Kendra...
...even though l'd love to see you
take that bra off...
...because it represents a team
...l think you gotta keep it on.
Why?
Because l got a girlfriend.
I'm not a child, Dave.
If you think l'm a porker, then just
come right out and say it.
No. I don't think you're a porker.
Then why when the idea of sleeping
with me comes up...
...do you all of a sudden
have a "girlfriend"?
Because l do. I do. I have a girlfriend.
Said the liar to the beached whale!
You're not a beached whale.
If anything, you could even
gain a few pounds.
So now l'm too skinny for you?
No. I didn't mean that.
-Is this what you want, Dave?
-No.
If l put on a few pounds...
...will you be able to stifle your vomit
long enough to have sex with me?!
Holy sh*t.
Are you such a hot stud
that you'll break me in two?!
You're angry right now. Wanna sing?
Do you know "l Feel Pretty"?
-Get out! Get out!
-Stop!
Get out!
Get out! !
Porker!
Fatty!
No! !
How did it go, pal?
-Why'd you ditch me?
-What are you talking about?
You gave me the signal.
I didn't give you the signal to leave.
I gave you the signal to say your
gross pickup line actually worked.
Well, of course it did.
So did Little Davey need
some anger management?
-That chick was killer.
-Serial killer.
She tried to chocolate me to death.
Anyways, l don't cheat on Linda.
-Speaking of Linda, she called earlier.
-Oh, yeah?
bent out of shape.
-About what?
-Your being out with another woman.
-How would she know that?
-I told her.
-What else could l do?
-What else could you do?
You could've told her something else.
I was at the bank. I was at the store.
I ate bad guacamole
and l couldn't stop shitting!
Any of those would have been fine!
Well, l'm sorry, Dave, but l don't lie
for my patients.
You want to leave your friend and
run off and chase some hot babe...
...you can't expect me to cover for you.
I did what you told me to do,
you sick, demented man.
What are you laughing at?
What's so funny?
Kendra is an ex-patient of mine,
an actress. Pretty good one too.
I arranged for her to be in the bar
and for you to pick her up.
You were messing with me?
Yeah. You know, just a joke
between friends...
...like the one you pulled on me
about my dying mother.
I told you l'd get you back for that.
All right.
So you really didn't talk to Linda.
Of course l did.
That's what made it so funny.
Where's your phone?
She's not home, Dave.
She went out with her pal Andrea.
She doesn't know any Andreas.
You mean Andrew?
Yeah, that's it.
Andrew, the testicle with legs.
"The testicle with legs." Great! !
Now wait a minute. Calm down a bit.
Try some deep breathing.
Maybe just hum a little "l Feel Pretty."
No! ! How about you hum
the "l'm a Crazy A**hole" song?
And take me home, you
psychotic piece of wacko.
I never thought you'd take it like this.
So, what, we're not going to talk at all?
Would you forgive me if l told you
...after our little fracas
and explained that it was my fault?
What did she say?
Well, she's not mad at you anymore,
but she let me have it pretty good.
You deserved it. I did nothing wrong.
I know. I know.
Friends?
-Take a little nap.
-I am tired.
Well, you had a rough night.
Stop with the cupcake!
Rise and shine, Sir Snoozola.
What's going on? Where are we?
Well, at a great deal of expense
and effort...
...we have managed to locate
your grade school bte noire...
...Arnie Shankman.
We do desire a confrontation with him,
do we not?
What? Do you mean the kid
who bullied me in fifth grade?
Dave, l think it's pivotal for you
to confront your childhood nemesis.
Remember, for 22 more days,
you are mine.
This is where Arnie Shankman lives?
You're kidding me. You're going to
make me confront a monk.
Great.
Are you ashamed that you
never stood up to him?
No. He was just a kid lashing out...
...because his sister got sent
to an insane asylum.
I'm surprised your research
didn't tell you that.
This doesn't look like him.
Excuse me, Arnie Shankman?
My name is Pana Kamanana...
...but, yes, l was once known
as Arnie Shankman.
Arnie....
Pana Kamanana...
...Dave Buznik
from elementary school.
David Buznik.
This is the last place l thought
l'd find you, a monastery.
You could say l've gone through
a rather dramatic transformation.
Could you excuse him for a second,
Peanuts?
His name's not Peanuts.
It's Pana Manapia.
You want me to fight a monk?
He's not even allowed to hurt a plant.
For Pete's sake, this is the monk
that twisted your tits!
Confront him or you're going to prison!
All right. All right. All right.
Anyways, what l wanted to say to you
was...
...when we were kids, you kind of
bullied me around a little bit...
...and l never really did anything
to deserve that kind of treatment.
Of course not. I was a real cretin then.
I did a lot of horrible things as a kid.
I pushed you around.
in front of Sara Plowman.
That actually was pretty funny.
Jeez, l don't think that it was.
Now, come, David.
Humor is the spice of life.
The look on your face was priceless.
"Oh! Sara saw my pee-pee!"
So Pena likes the spicy humor.
Maybe he'd enjoy the knee-slapper
you told me about the great Buddha.
What did you say about Buddha?
Dave said, "How does a guy
who weighs over 600 pounds...
...have the balls to teach people
about self-discipline?"
Let's not make fun of my God, here.
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"Anger Management" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 23 Dec. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/anger_management_2874>.
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