Angry Angel Page #7

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- [chuckles]

- In a grief support group...

because my fianc...

died in a car accident.

Stewart.

- Oh, honey.

- No.

You can't start liking her.

That's what she wants us to do.

- So first,

we got really close,

because, you know, we were both

going through so much,

but then we...

we really...fell in love.

I mean, he is

so sweet and kind,

and he's always so excited

about everything.

And, um...

he taught me that

life is for living.

So thank you, Pat.

[smooth piano version of

"O Christmas Tree"]

- I'm Pat.

[chuckles]

Also one of

the total strangers

who just walked in

on Christmas Eve dinner.

[all chuckle]

Uh, but this isn't the weirdest

situation I've found myself in,

though, on Christmas Eve.

I, uh...

I was married before.

I knew her my whole life.

I proposed by, um...

[laughs]

I put a ring in a dumpling.

She swallowed it, naturally,

[all laughing]

And then, um...

she made me swallow my ring

so we could be even.

Then we spent

that Christmas Eve

in the emergency room.

[all laugh]

It was never my dream

to come to New York.

It was Megan's.

And I'm thankful

to you, Jill...

and to you, Pyke,

who I just met today...

for letting me have, today...

one-one last day for Megan.

Thank you all.

[phone vibrates]

- That was a really sad story

about your wife who died.

She sounds cool.

I was married once before too.

I was happy.

I loved someone.

I also knew him my whole life.

He liked "Dr. Who,"

especially those old episodes

where the sets were

still made out cardboard.

He also loved Bowie

and Iggy and the Beatles,

but his favorite Beatle

was George,

because he didn't make

a big deal about it.

We couldn't afford

expensive Christmas gifts,

so...we would buy the worst

gifts we could find...

[chuckling sadly]

Like used orthopedic shoes,

or...cans of iguana food.

Bad stuff.

But we loved it.

We were happy.

You know, and I always said

that I was gonna leave,

but...I never meant that

I was gonna leave him.

Whenever I thought

about leaving, you know,

I thought it was something

we were gonna do together.

So it does suck.

And it's not fair.

I didn't want to go.

I don't want to be here.

- I'm sorry, uh, I just--

I need a minute.

- Excuse me.

- Let's clear the table.

Okay, look, I have tried

to be understanding,

but what the hell

is going on here?

You were married?

You invite these people

to my place?

- I wish I could tell you,

but you just wouldn't

understand.

- Try me.

All right? I meant what I said.

I need you to share with me.

Please.

- Look, okay, I do have

something to share.

I am leaving forever

in a day and a half.

- Well, that's great, Pyke.

I'm glad.

Merry Christmas.

- How's he doing?

- Um...

he just needs

some time alone.

He...he can get like this.

You know,

Christmas makes him emotional.

- Yeah, he's not the only one.

[phone vibrating rapidly]

[sighs]

[phone vibrating]

Hi.

- Hi.

- [sighs]

I'm gonna get into so

much trouble telling you this.

And I shouldn't.

I shouldn't be here.

I should have...

I should have let you leave.

I should have never

talked to you.

Why do you think I know

everything about you?

- [scoffs] Yeah...

are you an identity thief

or a...a genius hacker?

A con artist?

- [snickers]

And what am I conning

you out of?

Your credit card debt?

Your sweet job

at your dad's tire store?

- How do you know that?

Okay, just tell me

who you are, please.

- It's me.

It's Megan.

- Why are you doing this to me?

Megan's dead!

- Look, I died,

but I came back

in this body and this city,

and I've been

stuck here ever since.

I've been trying to get up

there for nine years,

but...now I'm screwing that up.

But I had to tell you.

Do you believe me?

- No. This is insane.

- Patrick, it's me.

- If you're telling the truth--

and I feel like an idiot

for even contemplating it,

but...

you were here the whole time?

I needed you.

- I couldn't see you.

Look, it's unfair, but

the Universe has these rules.

- Megan never cared

about the rules.

- Well, I'm breaking

all of them now.

Patrick, it's me.

It's Megan.

You know it's me.

- I came on this trip...

so I could move on.

So I could

be happy with Jill.

But it's been so hard,

because I love you.

Her.

- Pat...

- [gasps]

- Jill!

Jill, wait!

[quirky ambient music]

- Excuse me--um, do you know

how long I've been here?

- You're in luck, 'cause

I spend my Christmas morning

watching drunk, messed-up girls

sleeping on the subway

with a stopwatch,

just in case they need to know.

- A simple no would

have been enough.

[indie rock rendition

of "Jingle Bells"]

- Dashing through the snow

- Oh, crap.

- In a one-horse

open sleigh

- Over the fields we go

[cell phone ringing]

- Oh, sorry--will you--

- Laughing all the way

- Could you just excuse me?

Let's just take five.

[clears throat]

Well, well, well.

Look who's alive.

Merry Christmas

from Hollywood--

well, actually I'm

in Vancouver,

hosting a Christmas Day

telethon.

I'm wearing a mustache!

- Do you know what happened

last night?

- Before you ruined everyone

who cares about you's life

or after?

- After.

- You passed out,

you got in a cab,

but then you threw up

in that cab,

so you called another cab,

but then you kicked the driver

in the shin and told him

he was an instrument

of the patriarchy.

- Do you know

I lost 5,000 points?

- Yeah, well, you're lucky

the powers that be

didn't take away

all of your points,

thanks to me.

- Thank you, Jason.

- You're welcome.

Seriously, they wanted to take

away every last point of yours

that you have earned

this whole time.

I begged them not to.

So now you only have to make up

5,000 points by tomorrow.

I'm a hero.

- Wait, it took me years

to get to 5,000; how am I

supposed to do that in one day?

- I don't know.

It's Christmas, Pike.

There's people everywhere.

Pick one.

- Well, that's what I've been

trying to do for years.

Any other ideas?

- Well, you know, you did make

quite the mess last night.

I would imagine there are

some points to be earned in,

you know, cleaning it all up.

- Yeah, but they

all hate me now.

[sighs]

I don't blame them.

How can I ever repair

all that damage I've done?

- I don't know, but I know

that you can try.

- Do you really think

I could do it?

- I really don't.

Got to go.

[jazzy festive music]

- Have yourself a holiday

A happy day

- Hey, Connie.

Was I really that bad

last night?

- I don't like to judge people.

- Are you kidding?

You love to judge people.

We love to judge people.

It's why we're friends.

We invented that game--

"daughter or girlfriend?"

Table seven, daughter.

- Girlfriend.

- Daughter.

- Definitely girlfriend.

- [laughs]

It's always the girlfriend.

The truth is, you were awful

last night--

the worst I've ever seen.

- I want to make it right.

Look, is Barker here?

- No, he took today off.

You know, I really think

that you should let him be.

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