Annie Hall Page #5

ALVY:

(Coughing)

Thank you. I-I don't know why they would

have me at this kind of rally 'cause ...

(He clears his throat)

Excuse me, I'm not essentially a political

comedian at all.

The audience starts to laugh.

ALVY:

I ... interestingly had, uh, dated ...

a woman in the Eisenhower Administration

... briefly ... and, uh, it was ironic to

me 'cause, uh . . . tsch . . . 'cause I

was trying to, u-u-uh, do to her what

Eisenhower has been doing to the country

for the last eight years.

The audience is with him, laughing, as Allison continues to watch offstage.

INT. APARTMENT BEDROOM.

Allison and, Alvy are on the bed, kissing. There are books all over the room;

a fireplace, unlit, along one of the walls. Alvy suddenly breaks away and sits

on the edge of the bed. Allison looks at him.

ALVY:

H'm, I'm sorry, I can't go through with

this, because it-I can't get it off my

mind, Allison ... it's obsessing me!

ALLISON:

Well, I'm getting tired of it. I need

your attention.

Alvy gets up from the bed and starts walking restlessly around the room,

gesturing with his hands.

ALVY:

It-but it-it ... doesn't make any sense.

He drove past the book depository and the

police said conclusively that it was an

exit wound. So-how is it possible for

Oswald to have fired from two angles at

once? It doesn't make sense.

ALLISON:

Alvy.

Alvy, stopping for a moment at the fireplace mantel, sighs. He then snaps his

fingers and starts walking again.

ALVY:

I'll tell you this! He was not marksman

enough to hit a moving target at that

range. But ...

(Clears his throat)

if there was a second assassin ... it-

That's it!

Alvy stops at the music stand with open sheet music on it as Allison gets up

from the bed and retrieves a pack of cigarettes from a bookshelf.

ALLISON:

We've been through this.

ALVY:

If they-they recovered the shells from

that rifle.

ALLISON:

(Moving back to the bed and

lighting a cigarette)

Okay. All right, so whatta yuh saying,

now? That e-e-everybody o-o-on the Warren

Commission is in on this conspiracy, right?

ALVY:

Well, why not?

ALLISON:

Yeah, Earl Warren?

ALVY:

(Moving toward the bed)

Hey ... honey, I don't know Earl Warren.

ALLISON:

Lyndon Johnson?

ALVY:

(Propping one knee on the bed

and gesturing)

L-L-Lyndon Johns Lyndon Johnson is a

politician. You know the ethics those

guys have? It's like-uh, a notch

underneath child molester.

ALLISON:

Then everybody's in in the conspiracy?

ALVY:

(Nodding his head)

Tsch.

ALLISON:

The FBI, and the CIA, and J. Edgar

Hoover and oil companies and the

Pentagon and the men's-room attendant

at the White House?

Alvy touches Allison's shoulder, then gets up from the bed and starts walking

again.

ALVY:

I-I-I-I would leave out the men's-room

attendant.

ALLISON:

You're using this conspiracy theory as

an excuse to avoid sex with me.

ALVY:

Oh, my God!

(Then, to the camera)

She's right! Why did I turn off Allison

Portchnik? She was-she was beautiful. She

was willing. She was real ... intelligent.

(Sighing)

Is it the old Groucho Marx joke? That-that

I-I just don't wanna belong to any club that

would have someone like me for a member?

EXT. BEACH HOUSE - DAY

Alvy's and Annie's voices are heard over the wind-browned exterior of a beach

house in the Hamptons. As they continue to talk, the camera moves inside the

house. Alvy is picking up chairs, trying to get at the group of lobsters

crawling on the floor. Dishes are stacked up in a drying rack, and bags of

groceries sit on the counter. There's a table and chairs near the refrigerator.

ANNIE:

Alvy, now don't panic. Please.

ALVY:

Look, I told you it was a ... mistake

to ever bring a live thing in the house.

ANNIE:

Stop it! Don't ... don't do that! There.

The lobsters continue to crawl on the floor. Annie, bolding out a wooden

paddle, tries to shove them onto it.

ALVY:

Well, maybe we should just call the police.

Dial nine-one-one, it's the lobster squad.

ANNIE:

Come on, Alvy, they're only baby ones, for

God's sake.

ALVY:

If they're only babies, then you pick

'em up.

ANNIE:

Oh, all right. All right! It's all

right. Here.

She drops the paddle and picks up one of the lobsters by the tail. Laughing,

she shoves it at Alvy who jerks backward, squeamishly.

ALVY:

Don't give it to me. Don't!

ANNIE:

(Hysterically)

Oooh! Here! Here!

ALVY:

(Pointing)

Look! Look, one crawled behind the

refrigerator. It'll turn up in our bed

at night.

(They move over to the refrigerator;

Alvy moves as close to the wall as

possible as Annie, covering her mouth

and laughing hysterically, teasingly

dangles a lobster in front of him)

Will you get outta here with that thing?

Jesus!

ANNIE:

(Laughing, to the lobster)

Get him!

ALVY:

(Laughing)

Talk to him. You speak shellfish!

(He moves over to the stove and

takes the lid of a large steamer

filled with boiling water)

Hey, look ... put it in the pot.

ANNIE:

(Laughing)

I can't! I can't put him in the pot. I

can't put a live thing in hot water.

ALVY:

(Overlapping)

Gimme! Gimme! Let me do it! What-what's

he think we're gonna do, take him to the

movies?

Annie hands the lobster to Alvy as he takes it very carefully and drops it

gingerly into the pot and puts the cover back on.

ANNIE:

(Overlapping Alvy and making sounds)

Oh, God! Here yuh go! Oh, good, now

he'll think-

(She screams)

Aaaah! Okay.

ALVY:

(Overlapping Annie)

Okay, it's in. It's definitely in the pot!

ANNIE:

All right. All right. All right.

She moves hurriedly across the kitchen and picks up another lobster. Smiling,

she places it on the counter as Alvy stands beside the refrigerator trying to

push it from the wall.

ALVY:

Annie, there's a big lobster behind

the refrigerator. I can't get it out.

This thing's heavy. Maybe if I put a

little dish of butter sauce here with a

nutcracker, it will run out the other

side, you know what I mean?

ANNIE:

(Overlapping)

Yeah. I'm gonna get my ... I'm gonna

get my camera.

ALVY:

You know, I-I think ... if I could pry

this door off ... We shoulda gotten steaks

'cause they don't have legs. They don't

run around.

Annie rushes out of the room to get her camera as Alvy picks up the paddle.

Trying to get at the lobsters, he ends up knocking over dishes and hitting the

chandelier. Holding the paddle, he finally leans back against the sink.

Annie, standing in the doorway, starts taking pictures of him.

ANNIE:

Great! Great!

(Screaming)

Goddammit!

(Screaming)

Ooooh! These are ... p-p-p-pick this

lobster up. Hold it, please!

ALVY:

All right! All right! All right! All

right! Whatta yuh mean? Are yuh gonna

take pictures now?

ANNIE:

It'll make great- Alvy, be- Alvy, it'll

be wonderful ... Ooooh, lovely!

ALVY:

(Picking up the lobster Annie

placed on the counter earlier)

All right, here! Oh, God, it's disgusting!

Alvy drops the lobster back down on the counter, sticking out his tongue and

making a face.

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