Another Kind of Wedding Page #3

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My son's getting married.

Oh, me too.

The only problem is,

I just found out

that my ex was f***ing my

assistant behind my back.

Not behind your back.

I don't cheat like you.

I think this might be

the mini-bar key.

- Oh hi, by the way.

- Who the f*** is that?

Oh, you've met him before,

but clearly,

you weren't paying attention

because he doesn't have a pixie

cut or a shaved p*ssy.

We met at Sharon and Stew's

Oktoberfest a few years ago.

Ah, yeah.

You know where they had that

phenomenal pumpkin pie?

Ooh. It was divine.

Oh... join the f***in' party.

- I'll tell him to go.

- Shut up, Albert.

What's with the beard? What

are you, a frickin' wizard?

Oh yeah, Roy's a wizard now.

Cast a f***in' spell,

make Tammy disappear.

You are not my boss anymore.

I won't be manipulated by you!

(Door unlocks)

Albert:
Got it!

(Sighs)

Look, can I come in,

because I was thinking...

(Door creaks shut)

It's a systemic problem.

Oh, we need the whole Board

to agree,

in order to make the new

platform effective.

Yes, that's exactly

what I was telling them.

- What, the other teachers?

- Yes, Sally and Darren.

- Who have we got? All right.

- Yeah. Sally and Darren.

- We've got Albert.

- Oh, and the...

Ohhhh, no, no.

(Laughter)

Good God, no.

Mr. Fun Time.

(Laughing)

(Groans)

(Chuckles)

Sue's so young and pretty,

isn't she?

Yeah.

You want her, don't you?

Yeah.

(Both chuckle)

(Passionate moaning)

Hey babe,

you can if you want to.

What?

Be with Sue.

I don't wanna hear about it,

but I don't mind.

Look, I want you to be happy.

I want you to be free. Hm?

(Water running)

So, that was the infamous Roy,

huh?

He's a lot more handsome

than I imagined.

Bet he's got good bone

structure under that beard.

- (Phone rings)

- He's lost his looks.

That's harsh.

(Phone rings)

Hi! Ahh, buddy,

I missed you so much!

Yeah, say goodnight to me.

Speak!

Say goodnight to mama.

Speak. Speak now. Speak.

Just say f***ing anything.

'K, Care, I kinda have

to like, go to bed.

- Okay, yeah.

- All right?

- Yeah, okay.

- Okay.

Bye!

Oh.

Now, come and f*** me

like you used to f*** Levi

- when you were 19.

- That's weird.

Let's figure out why.

Do you think Barb had a real

relationship with him?

I thought you said

they dated men.

Yeah, but not after they

were together, come on!

Oh, I am so livid

with both of them!

You know, Ragu says that

I come from a family

where both parents

put each other first,

you know, and that was

the primary love.

And so the children

are searching

for this unconditional love

that they never got at home.

Did you spell Ragu,

like the pasta sauce?

Ragu says my moms claim...

claim, okay,

to be this ultra-liberal,

open-minded people,

when their own approach

to relationships

is totally antiquated, right.

That's like, grow the f*** up.

Powerful love is so much more

than some meaningless screw.

But you and I had an open

relationship for a while.

We set out rules like adults.

We followed them.

We slept with a few people.

A few?

I thought it was just

that skank, Ariane?

Yeah, it was just that skank,

Ariane.

(Exhales)

Baby boomers.

What is this world

they're giving us?

They have done nothing right.

Free shipping?

Dancing to Motown

while doing the dishes?

I'm gonna take a shower.

No, no, no, you don't have

to do that.

Not for me, not ever.

I am not feelin' it, dude.

Hey, you know, it'd be nice

if we could just show up

to a hotel once in a while,

and make love,

like a normal couple.

Well, if you need me,

I'll be masturbating

onto Levi's t-shirt.

- Matthew:
Phew! Ridiculous!

- Oh my God!

(Laughs)

Why did you invite French

Canadian Gandolf?

Well, I thought if I could

trick him back

into civilization,

he might shower.

- Hmm.

- No, he's not...

you know, he's always been

really good to me, Roy.

- Mm-hm?

- Oh, how annoying is Carrie?

Oh my God, like the world

does not revolve around

your dietary restrictions.

And Misha, every time

he walks in a room,

it's like a cloud of marijuana

smoke comes with him.

Like he has his own atmosphere.

Maybe Tammy got a contact

buzz,

and that's why her speech

was so terrible?

Well, I don't know if I'd use

the word terrible.

I mean, I get why

you liked it.

It was all about Matt.

Her Matty. Her Matthew.

Nothing about the woman

he's about to spend

the rest of his life with.

That is very fair, my dear.

That speech could have used

a re-write.

I mean, I get why she's

obsessed with you.

You're the only one

in the family

that's not suffering

from failed potential.

It's like everyone else seems

disappointed in themselves.

(Sighs)

Did you get a chance

to talk to him?

Who?

No, not yet.

I did, I think he's doing

well. He...

I don't know. He seems good.

He's up for a big part.

- Cool.

- Yeah.

(Urine splashes)

(Dance music playing)

My projection

has changed direction

There is no exception

To satisfy

Woo!

My projection

has changed direction

There is no exception

To satisfy

All right, ladies! You should

feel this one all the way

from your shoulders

to your booty.

- Ready?

- Oh yeah.

- That feels good. Woo!

- Yeah!

Now, pivot!

Pivot!

Need to lower your waist like,

fits chicken like Brittany

over there.

I'm tryin' my best!

Oh yeah, Brittney is

tryin' her best.

Now cue your little move here.

We're gonna pulse, pulse, pulse.

Tammy:
Hey!

Hey girl!

You ready to get bikini ready?

Uh, yeah!

All right, dive in here, girl.

Get in there, make some space.

That's it! Make some space

for the cutie patootie.

There you go. Yeah!

Look at this extraordinary

garden!

The water lilies have such

amazing color in them.

Albert, keep it to yourself.

Yes, I suppose I am being

a rather loquacious person

this morning. Have fun!

So you still planning

on opening your studio?

Because I can help you

with a business plan.

Yeah, that's not happening

anytime soon.

Why would you say that?

I'm 50 grand in debt.

Don't you remember making

me pay for rent and tuition

when I was in university?

We did it to make you

stronger.

I think you just made her

pissed off.

Shut up, Brittney!

Woo! Let's go.

Okay. You're holding

on to something,

you've got it built up

deep inside of you,

just let it go. Jumping Jack!

Punch! Jumping Jack!

Punch! Jumping Jack!

Punch! Jumping Jack!

Punch! Ahhh!

(Screaming)

(Shutter clicks)

Lovely. Great.

Fabulous. Ha ha. Oh.

- Hi.

- I'm sorry.

No, it's okay, don't be.

I'm Albert, and um,

I guess we haven't been

properly introduced.

I'm Mareva,

Mareva de la Torre.

It's a wonderful garden.

Don't you think?

Oh, I certainly do,

particularly the uh, orchids.

Have you noticed how

the Ipomoea cordatotriloba

are different shapes and colors?

How do you happen to uh...

Oh, I um, I took some biology

at McGill.

I like how botany relates

to math.

You do, eh?

Quantitative genetics,

dendrochronology.

You know about

dendrochronology?

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