Appropriate Behavior Page #3

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two minutes away.

What's her name?

Linda.

She sounds like a c*nt.

We're going out

for a couple months,

and we decided

to move in together.

Naturally.

And four days

after I break my lease

and sell everything I own,

she tells me she misses her ex,

and what the f***

am I supposed to do

with that information?

That sucks.

Just having trouble dealing

with, like, Brooklyn parties

and everyone talking about

their Kickstarter campaigns,

and did you see that guy

with the waxed Dali mustache?

I mean, what the f***

is that guy's problem?

Who the f***

does he think he is?

I find your anger

incredibly sexy.

Really?

I hate so many things too.

Wow.

Ken. Hi.

Oh! Hey, hi.

How are you?

I'm good, thank you.

Carrington, this is Shayla.

I'm Shirin. Hi.

Oh...

Sorry, man.

I'm stoned.

Oh, that's okay.

Want a j?

No, I'm cool.

Thanks.

Listen, um...

I'm a terrible teacher.

No.

Yes, I am.

Uh, the kids hate me.

They're a good ten years younger

than I thought they'd be,

and I can't get them to listen.

You can't take it

personally, dude.

They're five.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I have three kids.

I don't know what I'm doing.

It's just fake it

'til you make it.

I've lost Carrington,

like, what, four times?

Right, bro?

Just do your best, okay?

Okay.

Hey.

I believe in you, Cher.

Thank you.

They have no idea

you're bisexual?

I'm sorry, what country is it

that you get stoned to death

if you're convicted

of being gay?

Oh, yeah.

Wait, I know.

It's Iran,

the country that my

entire family comes from.

You can't keep playing

the Persian card

every time we have an argument.

You need to see for yourself

how difficult it is to be

the child of immigrants.

I would love to.

Great.

Then you're coming

to a Persian new year party

this weekend in New Jersey.

Am I coming as your date?

God, no.

You're definitely coming

as my white friend.

Do you think

I have a death wish?

You know you're gonna

have to wear a dress.

No.

Good. Now you're

gonna send 'em?

Yes.

It's like we just stepped

into Liberace's wet dream.

Isn't it spectacular?

You know I don't like

being in enclosed spaces

where I can't detect

any visibly gay people.

Well, I'm pretty sure

Uncle Neema's harboring

some bi-curious

tendencies.

You talk to him

about it?

Oh, God, no.

Persians communicate

mostly through gossip.

Shirin?

Oh, my God! Hi!

Hi!

Hi!

Maxine, this is Mitra,

Yassi, Meenu, and Yassi.

Guys, this is my friend Maxine.

Hey.

Hey. Oh, my God,

you look amazing.

Right. Next to you, I look

like a busboy from chili's.

Oh, no way.

You're practically a model.

Yeah, you're right.

Like a "before" model

for Accutane.

Uh, I would kill

for your height.

And I would sell my firstborn

for your skin.

Stop it.

You stop it.

We need to get together more.

I haven't seen you since

your grandmother's funeral.

How's your father?

You know, he's okay,

but then sometimes

he'll cry out of nowhere,

and I'll be like,

"dad, what's going on with you?

You're emasculating

yourself."

Oh, my God! Roya?

What just happened?

You were in the middle

of a sentence.

Yeah, every time I see her,

she compliments the way I look,

she asks one personal question,

and then she walks away

while I answer.

And who's she

talking to now?

That's Roya.

Her father just made a lot

of money importing samovars.

Let's get a drink.

When are they serving dinner?

Midnight.

Seriously?

God, you know,

I should have talked

about her dad's

cosmetic dental practice.

You were being honest.

Do you think they want you

to be honest at these things?

Oh, get a grip.

You're a grown woman.

You've been to how many

parties in your life?

I don't know.

A lot.

And what's the most important

part

of having a good

time at a party?

Drinking.

And?

Dancing.

And who's very good

at both of those things?

I am.

That's right.

Two vodka tonics, please.

That was amazing.

I've never had so much fun

around Persians before.

I'm sorry, I know you're

having a breakthrough,

but can you first explain

to me this fire thing?

Yeah.

So, the Wednesday before Noruz,

you're supposed to

jump over fire

to exorcise yourself

of evil spirits

and start the new year fresh.

Only we're doing it now

'cause everyone had work

and we're

half-assed Iranians.

God, it's such

a beautiful gesture.

Ugh, you are totally having

one of those "I'm dating

an immigrant" moments.

Like, "isn't learning

about other cultures

so fun and enriching?

I feel like I'm--"

Hi.

Hi.

So, this is where you've been?

Yeah.

We just came out here.

Where were you?

Your father got lost.

I took the scenic route.

That's not funny.

This is Maxine, my friend.

Maxine, meet my parents.

Hi.

Hi, Maxine. Oh.

Hi.

So, how do you like Noruz?

I'm so sorry.

I think I left my purse inside.

I got to go run and get it.

I will see you really soon.

Nice to meet you both.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

It says on your profile

that you're an artist.

Yeah, I do a

stand-up/folk music hybrid act.

I have never heard of that.

Yeah, my art defies labels.

Sounds like it.

Why does comedy always have to

be so mean and at

somebody's expense?

I want to use my comedy

to bring attention

to social-justice issues.

You're very pretty.

Thank you.

Why don't you get to work

on that drink?

Can I get a glass of water?

Come here.

Closer.

You have really nice hair.

Thanks.

You can be rough with me.

Tell me what you want me to do.

Lie on the bed.

Okay.

F***!

Could you put these on?

What? You're-- you're the one

who wanted weed.

Well, I reek of sex.

It's gonna trigger

the drug dealer's brain

to call in his rapist brain.

You're lucky I veer macho.

Thank you.

You're amazing.

Ladies first.

I'm not so good at

smoking weed around people.

Can't hold my thoughts still

long enough to think them.

I have to chase them.

I know what you mean.

The other day,

I had a really good idea

for a children's book

while I was smoking weed,

and now I have no idea

what it was.

Keep smoking.

You'll get it back.

Have you ever seen that episode

of "sex and the City"

where Carrie has to pitch

a book for children

and she pitches this idea

about a little girl

with magic cigarettes?

And it's really funny.

I hate

"Sex and the City."

Yeah, but you have to admit

it's pretty f***ing

entertaining.

I think it's boring.

Who the f***

do you think you are?

Oh, my God, are you

into "Lord of the Rings"?

You know, the older my dad gets,

the more he looks like Gollum

from "Lord of the Rings."

My dad, he's always

making the worst jokes,

but then this one time

he lost his wedding ring,

and he was like...

"I need my precious."

And was literally the funniest

thing I'd ever heard.

When I went to see

the film "Precious,"

there was a mentally handicapped

guy sitting next to me,

and he put his hand on my lap

during the movie,

and it really freaked me out.

That's horrible.

Don't make fun of me.

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