Are We There Yet? Page #3

Corkscrew!

Let's just get out of here before

I end up in Guantnamo Bay.

Our dad would've never

given him a knife.

- Yeah, I'm not your dad.

- That's for sure.

All right, let's go. Pick it up.

It's actually gonna work out better

because trains are more fun.

- Do you got any snacks?

- You mean candy?

- No way.

- I have to pee.

Can't you wait till we get on the train?

It's right there.

- I don't think I can wait that long.

- Yes, you can. Come on.

He's prone to bladder infections,

you know.

All right, man, go do your business.

Aren't you coming in with me?

Yeah, but I'm not touching nothing.

All aboard!

- Come on, come on.

- I'm coming.

Wait. My shoe's untied.

Come on.

All clear.

Come on, Kevin. Hurry up.

Over...

Loop. Other loop.

You know what? Let me do it.

Let me do it. Let me do it.

No! Pull from the first loop.

- Otherwise it's too tight at the top.

- Okay, okay.

The boy has problems. He won't eat

anything orange, steamed or poached.

And what he does eat,

they can't touch.

- Okay, there you go.

- No. Do it again.

That doesn't feel right.

His socks can't have elastic

in them.

And he won't use a toothbrush

more than five days.

- Shut up!

- Make me.

Who'd wanna make another one...?

Come on.

Hold on, hold on.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey. Where's Galaktico's cape?

Kevin.

Final boarding call

for Vancouver passengers...

...departing from track two.

Look, it's damp.

Kevin! Lindsey!

Hey! Hey! Kevin! Lindsey!

Hey. The train's moving.

Out my way.

Hey! Crazy kids. Yo!

Hey! Hey, come on!

What are you doing?

Sorry, lady.

- Hey!

- What's he doing?

I think he wants us to jump

onto a moving train.

Hey! Kevin! Lindsey!

Hey! Get up here!

Come on!

Hey, what are you doing? Run!

Are you crazy? Jump!

Come on!

Mama.

- Hey, Nick, how's the train ride going?

- Well, we haven't exactly left yet.

We decided to drive.

It should be much more educational.

Oh, no, Nick, I cannot let you do that.

That's way too much trouble.

No, no. It'll only take

a few more hours...

...and gives me a chance to get

to know Kevin and Lindsey.

Okay. I'm really impressed.

- You're very sweet.

- Yes, I am.

You sound like you have everything

under control. Can I talk to the kids?

Oh, okay.

Look, don't tell them nothing

that happened, okay?

- He lost our luggage.

- What?

- Are you guys dating?

- No.

- No.

- Let me talk.

We wanna go to Dad's.

You cannot go to Dad's now.

You're going with Nick.

Why? Dad's house is

in the same direction.

Nick could drop us off there

on his way not to date you.

Honey, your dad is sick

and in bed.

Now, if you want me to...

...I can just quit my job, and we'll

go live in a cardboard box.

Whatever.

- Let him drive.

- Be nice.

- I love you.

- Love you too.

Bye.

Now, look, driving you two gremlins

on New Year's Eve...

...for over 300 miles was never

on the agenda. Okay?

We just drove across town,

and y'all done messed up my door.

So now I got to lay down

some rules.

Rule number...

Rule number one:

Don't touch the climate control.

Rule number two:

Don't kick the seat.

Rule number three:

Don't play with toys.

- Can I play with my pizza coupon?

- No sassing me.

No eating in the car, no drinking

in the car and no smoking.

- I don't smoke.

- Good.

Don't start on my watch.

I don't want you to touch the radio.

I don't even want you to sniff

the new-car smell.

I want you to sit down

on that protective plastic...

...and be seen, not heard.

You know, if you're thinking about

my mom, you're wasting your time.

I'm not wasting my time, because

me and your mom, we're just friends.

That's good, because Mom's still

into Dad, and he's totally into her.

They're getting back together.

Whoopee! I'm happy for them.

Or maybe you guys should go out.

A couple of dates with you would

really make her appreciate Dad.

Let's go.

Have a taste of my steel, zombie.

- Yes!

- That game doesn't sound G-rated.

Yeah, but it's

keeping him occupied.

The boy played Lady Pac-Man at the

mall and had nightmares for a week.

- Give it here, Kevin.

- Hey, give it!

- Give it to me. What did I say?

- It's not yours!

- Give it here now!

- You're not the boss of me!

Cut it out.

Why don't we call Mom

and see what she has to say.

Fine.

You win.

Snitch.

Baby.

- Big baby.

- Bigger baby.

- Giant baby.

- Enormous baby.

- Humongous baby.

- Colossal baby.

- Am not. Am not.

- Are too. Are too.

- Am not. Am not.

- Are too.

Okay, okay.

You're both acting

like a couple of babies.

Keep it moving. Come on.

That's right.

Drink your juice, baby.

- Hey, no food in the car.

- It's not food. It's juice.

- Same difference. Give it.

- Mine.

Hey!

Man, see?

Oh, y'all think that's funny,

don't you?

It's not funny.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. No.

One thing you gotta know here,

we keep it real.

You can believe that.

Yuck! Noisy.

- What is that?

- 50 Cent.

Well, I'll pay him a dollar

just to shut up.

Do you have any Justin Timberlake

or Clay Aiken?

Lord, these kids

are ethnically challenged.

Do you know you can get shot...

...by playing those CDs

in my old neighborhood?

- We're not ghetto.

- Or trying to be ghetto fabulous.

We're just fabulous.

About time. Open road.

Vancouver, here we come.

Yeah.

I have to pee.

What? No, no,

you do not have to pee.

Didn't you go at the train station?

I tried to go, but there was a man

standing next to me...

...so it just went away.

But look, man, all this open road.

You can hold it. I know you can.

Cross your legs.

- You should've asked before we left.

- I did.

No, you asked before we got on the

train, not before we left the station.

You're supposed to ask

before every segment.

- Everyone knows that.

- Evidently not.

I'm not gonna make it.

Do you have a bottle?

- No.

- How about this ashtray?

Kevin, there's no receptacle

in this vehicle.

Now, look, the exit is about

a mile away, and you can hold it.

How far is a mile?

I don't know, 5000

and some kind of feet.

Look, think of something else.

Football, a math test...

...puberty.

- Are we there yet?

- No.

I'm sure the carpet is absorbent.

Oh, here it comes!

For God's sakes, man,

he's gonna make his water in your car!

No, he ain't.

Incoming! Incoming! Incoming!

Hold it, man.

- Hold it. Oh, no. Look, right here.

- Yeah.

Here we go. Here we go.

In here, in here.

Hold it, hold it.

- This is taken!

- I'm sorry!

- Oh, it's dribbling out.

- Okay, go, go. Just go.

- That's disgusting!

- Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, lady. Hold up.

Bought us some groceries for later.

Your mama said you liked fruit.

- Garlic olives?

- Hey, it's a truck stop.

That's all they had.

You see this?

Because of you guys,

I gotta do this right here.

You squeezed it, not me.

It's not coming out.

Hit that green button for me, please.

- Yo, yo, yo.

- Hey. Hey, it's Marty. What's up, man?

How's it going with those

stupid brats you got with you?

Remember this:
If the kids hate you,

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