Are We There Yet? Page #4

the mama won't date you.

- Man!

- Where'd you go?

What, are you in a tunnel?

Are you...? Hello?

Okay. All right.

Seat belts.

Nobody gotta go

to the bathroom, right?

Okay, here we go.

Nick, we already know

about you and Mom.

- You do?

- Of course.

- She talks about you all the time.

- Yeah, Mom's into you.

She says you're better looking

than Taye Diggs.

Oh, yeah?

- I am, huh?

- Oh, sure.

In fact, she told me...

My gosh. Get his inhaler.

He's having an asthma attack.

- What? Where is it?

- It's in the back. Hurry up!

- Go! Go!

- All right, I'm going.

- I got it. I got it.

- Move it!

Good one, Lindsey.

Very funny.

- Open up.

- I knew you were lying.

"We're just friends. " You're just

using us to suck up to our mama.

- What?

- Yeah.

You're just a dirty, horny sex man

like all the others. Nasty man.

- You're a nasty, bad man.

- Look...

...I tried to do your mama

a favor, you booger.

You probably wanna kiss her,

don't you?

Look, look. Off the glass.

Off the glass.

And you, open this door.

You forgot the magic word.

- Open this damn door.

- You just swore again.

- Lindsey, he just swore again.

- So what?

- Hey, I'm not playing with you.

- You can't make us do anything.

Hey, this is my car!

You hear me, little girl?

This is my car!

You better not.

Look at me. I'm serious.

I'm not playing with you,

little girl, okay?

If you don't open up

before I count to three...

...somebody gonna get it.

One.

Two.

Three.

No! No!

Hey, you stop that car!

Where did he go?

- Now you gonna get it!

- Go! Floor it!

Get out of there!

Whoa! Hey!

Stop! Wait a minute!

I don't have

any insurance on you, girl!

Hey!

Watch what you're doing!

Watch the spinners!

You're messing up my spinners!

- You know how much they cost?

- You can't catch us.

No!

You little... Give me them keys!

- Dirty sex man.

- What y'all think you're doing?

Let go of my hat!

Give me them keys!

Hey, Lindsey, stop this crazy thing!

That man's setting a bad example

for them kids.

- Wait a minute!

- Go! Go!

Now that's frontier justice.

- Hey, turn up the rear heat.

- Yeah.

No. No heat.

No talking.

You're lucky I'm letting you live.

- But...

- But my butt.

I should pull off

on the side of the road...

...dig a hole,

and bury both you two.

That's what I should do. Yeah.

A hundred years from now,

a grizzly will find your bones...

...and pick his teeth with them.

Wouldn't like that.

Can't believe you two.

Are you crazy?

- We have rights.

- No, no, you have no rights.

This is my ship, buddy.

I'm the CEO of this SUV.

Believe that.

Breaker, breaker, 26, this is Big Al

out on Highway 5, mile marker 16.

I got two little lambs here been

snatched up by the big, bad wolf.

I need some backup, pronto.

Ten-four, Big Al.

Let's squash this bug.

You had no consideration

for my life, your life or my spinners.

What? What do you want?

I'm driving here!

Mister In-a-Hurry. Idiot.

Why is he slowing down?

I don't like this.

Pull over right now.

Pull it over. Pull it over.

- You better do what he says.

- Like hell I will.

I've seen those vigilante

trucker movies.

I said, pull over!

What you doing?

Oh, no!

My paint!

You think you got me boxed in?

Well, you can kiss my 330

cubic inches of V8 power, sucker!

Hold on.

Help!

Your insurance premiums

are going through the roof.

No! No! No!

What was Mom thinking?

I don't know. I like him.

He's kind of funny.

Hey, don't get soft.

This man is not our daddy.

He's the enemy.

Take me now! Take me now!

This is why we don't

come to the city.

Come on.

Come on. Get! Go!

Come on, fleabag.

No way!

What? Now, get your narrow

butts on this horse now!

- Hey, how you doing, baby?

- Hi. Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah, everything is cool.

Can I call you right back?

Wait, what's that sound?

You sound very jiggly.

Must be your phone.

Everything's cool on this end.

- Are you gonna be here soon?

- Sort of. Kind of.

Let me call you back

in 10 minutes.

Wait, wait, I wanna say hi

to the kids.

Oh, okay.

She wanna talk to you guys

and make sure everything is all right.

- Hi, Mom.

- Hey.

Hi, babies. How are you doing?

- Are you having fun with Nick?

- Come on.

Hit the turbo!

Let's go! Let's go!

I know, baby, but just try

to make the best of it, okay?

- I love you.

- Love you too. Bye.

- Scoot over, I'm coming aboard.

- That's a bad idea.

- Says who?

- Says the guy...

...who put all that junk there.

Oh, snap!

I hate horses.

What take so long?

I have to hang mirror ball.

You little snotty-nosed runts.

I know exactly where you are.

You messing with

Nick the Quick, baby.

Now's your chance. Hit yourself

over the head with a brick...

...and say that they were kidnapped.

Shut up.

Happy New Year.

You think Nick's okay?

What are you worried

about him for?

I'm not. It's just...

...maybe we were a little rough.

Oh, please.

That player got what he deserved.

"Get your butts on this horse. "

"You got $400?"

I've been thinking. We should've

brought soup or something.

What for?

Because Dad's sick.

What is he gonna eat?

He's a dad.

I'm sure he has soup.

He must be lonely,

living all by himself.

Look, don't bug him about that.

If we want him to hook up with Mom,

we have to be subtle. Got it?

I got it.

Come on, y'all.

Let's get out of here.

Want some chocolate cake?

It's world-famous.

Mom says I shouldn't have sugar.

What about you?

Itll make your mouth all chocolatey.

No, thanks.

Hey. You forgot something.

Sorry about what happened today.

I really wish you guys

didn't have to see that.

He used to look at me like that.

I know, man.

And when he hugged you,

you thought he'd never let you go.

They make you laugh,

they tell you they love you...

...then one day,

they never come back.

I bet you know all about leaving,

don't you, player?

Know what?

As a matter of fact, I do.

But only because the same thing

happened to me when I was your age.

Yeah, my pops

walked out on us too.

It's a shame that anybody

can call theyself a father.

But listen...

...he's the failure in this, not you.

He's the one that's gonna miss out.

I just hope it don't take you guys as

long as it took me to figure that out...

...because it's true.

You guys are some cool kids.

There you go.

Come on, let's get out of here.

- Nick?

- What's up, little man?

If my dad left and your dad left...

...does that mean

I'll end up like you?

I ain't doing too bad.

Look, I have blingage.

That's not exactly what I meant.

I was watching Oprah, and it was

all about how depressed and lonely...

...bachelors like you are.

- But I'm not depressed or lonely.

- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.

- Yes, you are.

- No, I'm not.

Mom says that if a man is

not married by the time he's 35...

...he's either damaged or gay.

- What?

Well, that would explain

those earrings.

Watch it, sucker.

But you do have intimacy issues,

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