Attack of the Killer Donuts Page #3

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I just threw up in my mouth.

Dude. Slammed again.

She's totally owning you Conrad.

Either order or...

Did you say Conrad?

Did they call you Connie, for short?

That's cute.

- Connie

- Connie

You're making look bad in

front of my boys, b*tch.

What did you say?

Hey. Are you the manager?

This b*tch is giving me lip.

Dude. Call that again and

we're gonna have a problem.

Oh yeah?

Everyone is giving you lip today Connie.

Shut the hell up.

Two hits. Me hitting you

and you hitting the floor.

Anytime you are ready pal.

I'm right here princess.

Come at me!

I got your back bro.

Why don't you just

get before we call the cops.

You eat me!

Bonsai!

Cover your eyes Howard.

Get off me!

Eyes!

What the hell happened here?

This b*tch...

You call her a b*tch one more time...

Johnny. That's enough.

Go to the kitchen.

They asked me to show them my ta-tas.

I'm a witness.

I wrote down my statement.

She pepper sprayed me man.

My eyes are burning.

They were rude to Michelle.

- Who the hell are you?

- I'm johnny's...

Shut up, you.

Michelle. Did you pepper spray

these customers?

My eyeballs.

Yes.

Stop right there.

You're fired.

What?

- Take that!

- Yeah, beotch.

- What?

- You heard me. Get out.

Johnny. Get these nice young

men a box of doughnuts.

But these a**holes...

I don't care. Just do it.

If Michelle goes, I go.

- Think Johhny.

- Think nothing.

I'm out.

Hey. Michelle.

Will you take me home?

Yeah, of course.

Um, I'll meet you at your place.

Um, I'm taking Michelle home.

I'll just hang with your mom.

Oh. Isn't that nice?

Here you go kids. On the house.

Bullshit man. You'll be

hearing from my lawyer.

My eyes are still burning man.

Stop bitching already.

This place is a dump.

I hope you get explosive diarrhea

you filthy animals.

Bulgarian mail order bride dot com.

Here I come.

Are you okay?

I don't know. I just quit my job.

It was a crappy job anyway.

It was the only crappy job I had.

Well, ask for it back.

I'm sure Cliff will say yes.

Whatever.

Seriously. Don't quit because of me.

I'm not going to let

him treat you like that.

You've been my friend

since the fourth grade.

You mean, since I beat you up

in Miss Marino's class?

You're never gonna let that go,

are you?

Are you kidding?

Never.

Thank you.

Thanks for standing up for me.

No one fires Michelle Kester on my watch.

No, I mean those jerks.

Oh.

I don't know what got into me.

When that dill weed called

you a b*tch, I just snapped.

I know. You went all butch on him.

- Hey, I showed him, right?

- Yeah, you showed him.

It's the last time I kick

someone's ass for you.

Know what? I remember.

Me doing all the ass kicking.

- I wiped the floor with that guy.

- Literally.

I'm gonna kill you man.

Hye uh. My scooter isn't working.

Can I get a ride with you guys?

What?

Dude. My scooter isn't working.

What were you guys doing?

Ow!

What's the hold up? Get in.

- I got shotgun.

- Uh-uh.

Fine. Fine.

I'm going in the back.

- What's your problem?

- Uh, Nothing.

- Want me to drive?

- How's it going to make a difference?

I don't know. I just thought

we shake it up a little bit.

You're an idiot Fred.

Ouch Dick, that really hurt.

Your mom made bacon Mac-n-Cheese tonight.

Do you just blurt out the first

thing that comes to your mind?

Yes. Yes I do.

How do you know?

I had dinner with her tonight.

Really?

Oh, that's nice.

Look out!

You hit someone.

Oh my god.

I hit someone.

Oh, this looks bad.

He's not moving.

Oh. Oh. He's alive.

Hey. Hey are you alright?

What the...

What the heck?

That's disgusting.

He's wearing handcuffs.

Maybe that's the guy that Rodgers and

Hammerstein arrested earlier?

That doesn't look right.

You think?

Is he uh...

Is he a zombie?

What kind of question is that?

Oh.

Oh.

Nasty!

Ah. That feels better.

- Holy crap.

- You ain't kidding.

- Is he dead?

- Geez Michelle.

Well? Is he?

I don't think he is breathing.

Check his vital signs. See if he

has a pulse. Maybe he needs CPR.

- Dude, you check for vitals.

- Fine.

No. He's dead.

Great work guys. Let's get out of here.

We just can't leave him in

the middle of the road.

He's an ex-con, who literally

just shat himself to death.

I'm with Michelle on this one.

You're not remotely disturbed by

the fact that I just hit this guy

with my car at 60 miles an hour?

He survived.

Looked like a zombie.

Then shat his guts out.

Glowing green radioactive sh*t,

in case you guys missed that part,

before plopping over and dropping dead.

- No.

- No.

Just get in the car.

What in Sam Hill?

- I'm starving.

- Have a doughnut man.

Heh, dude, breath.

Hey men. These things

just, look kind of freaky.

They taste fine to me.

Woa. Dude.

The doughnuts just moved.

- You high Conrad?

- I'm serious bro.

I.. I don't feel too good.

See, I told you man.

He bro. Do you want me to

get you another doughnut?

Come on man. Don't be a puss.

Come on.

Uh. Ow. God.

Help me.

Wh... What happened?

Get back man. That sh*t can be contagious.

On fire man... on fire.

I hate doughnuts.

I recognize that car.

Is that the douche that

was giving Veronica a ride?

Can I help you?

Where's my girlfriend.

- Who?

- Don't play dumb.

Johnny? What the hell is this?

I should ask you.

Do you know what? I can't do this anymore.

You're breaking up with me?

Wow. This guy's slow.

Watch it b*tch.

What'd you call me?

Enough Bobby. Get in the car.

- I'm not done with you.

- Any time sweetheart.

Get in the car!

Look Johnny.

I'm not breaking up with you.

I know.

You love me babe.

Ridiculous.

No, I'm not breaking up with you,

because we were never together.

What?

Oh snap.

You're a joke, Johnny.

I've been f***ing Bobby for months.

But...

I just used you for money.

God, you're just a sap.

A loser.

What? You're not going to say anything?

God, you really are a loser.

Well at least have the balls

to say something.

Whatever.

Let's skiddle.

- What the hell?

- Impossible.

What?

I don't think this is a good idea.

I'm in, Howard.

Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?

This can't be.

The doughnuts are alive,

and mutated into...

killer doughnuts.

- I think my brain just melted.

- Thank god you have such few customers.

- Mrs. Scolari

- Oh no.

Get in the car.

- Get in.

- You get in. I'm bigger than you.

- Get in the car.

- We don't have time for this. Just get in.

Fine.

Hit it.

Seat belts. Seat belts, seat belts.

Mrs. Scolari? Mrs. Scolari, it's Johnny.

Can you hear me? Open up.

I don't see her.

- This can't be good.

- We have to get in there.

- We have to go around to the side.

- OK.

- Quick. Give me a boost.

- Are you crazy?

- What? Do you have a better idea?

- Yes. Let's call the police.

And tell them what? An army of

killer doughnuts is on the loose?

We're wasting time.

Okay. It's too dangerous. I'll go.

Johnny. She's the lightest one.

We give her a boost,

she goes up through the window,

down the stairs and lets us in.

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