Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery Page #11

Vanessa sees it.

AUSTIN:

Hey, who put this in here? Someone's

playing a prank on me! Honestly,

this isn't mine.

VANESSA:

(suffering)

I'm sure.

AUSTIN:

I think I'll give that stew a ding-a-

ling.

Austin casually dials the phone while looking at his palm.

After a beat we hear a loud MALE VOICE coming through the

handset.

MOVIE PHONE VOICE

(through handset)

Hello! And welcome to 777-FILM!

Austin covers the mouthpiece and whispers to Vanessa.

AUSTIN:

I got her answering machine.

INT. CASINO

Austin and Vanessa walk through the casino. Austin gives

PEOPLE two-handed handshakes. They stare like he's a freak.

AUSTIN:

I love Las Vegas, man. Oh, I forgot

my x-ray glasses.

VANESSA:

Here, use mine.

AUSTIN:

I'm going to use a cover name. It's

important that it be a generic name

so that we don't draw attention to

ourselves.

INT. CASINO

Austin and Vanessa join the high-rollers table. Number Two

is there, complete with eyepatch. On one side of him is a

beautiful ITALIAN WOMAN (a la SOPHIA LOREN) in a white dress

with a white kerchief on her head. On the other side of him

is an extremely large-breasted BIMBO.

AUSTIN:

Do you mind if I join you?

NUMBER TWO:

Not at all.

The DEALER deals.

DEALER:

Seventeen.

Zoom in on Number Two's eyepatch.

NUMBER TWO'S MONOCULAR POV

GRAPHIC:
"X-RAY EYEPATCH". We see everyone at the casino in

their underwear. He looks at the next card in the shoe. It

is a 4.

NUMBER TWO:

Hit me.

DEALER:

You have seventeen, sir. The book

says not to, sir.

NUMBER TWO:

I like to live dangerously.

The dealer draws a card from the card shoe.

DEALER:

Four. Twenty-one.

Everyone at the table applauds. The dealer deals to Austin

and Number Two.

DEALER:

(to Austin)

Eighteen.

(to Number Two)

Sixteen.

NUMBER TWO'S POV

GRAPHIC:
"X-RAY EYEPATCH". He looks at the shoe at the shoe

and sees that the next card is a ten.

NUMBER TWO:

I'll stay.

DEALER:

(to Austin)

Sir?

Smugly, Austin puts on Vanessa's x-ray glasses.

AUSTIN'S POV

GRAPHIC:
"X-RAY SPECS". Everyone is in their underwear, but

it is completely blurry.

DEALER:

(to Austin)

Sir?

VANESSA:

(quietly)

What's wrong?

AUSTIN:

(quietly, to Vanessa)

I can't see a bloody thing.

VANESSA:

Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're

prescription X-ray glasses. I have

very bad astigmatism.

DEALER:

Sir, the table is waiting.

AUSTIN:

(panicking)

Uh, hit me.

The table MURMURS.

DEALER:

On an eighteen, sir?

AUSTIN:

Yes, I also like to live dangerously.

The dealer deals him the ten.

NUMBER TWO:

You're very brave.

AUSTIN:

Cards are not my bag, man. Allow

myself to introduce... myself. My

name is Ritchie Cunningham.

Vanessa is mortified.

AUSTIN:

(indicating Vanessa)

This is my wife, Enid.

NUMBER TWO:

My name is Number Two.

He extends his hand to shake. Austin extends his hand, but

misses and begins to shake the bimbo's breast. There is an

awkward pause. Austin takes off his glasses.

VANESSA:

(rescuing him)

Number Two? That's an unusual name.

NUMBER TWO:

My parents were hippies.

(indicating Italian

woman)

This is my Italian confidential

secretary.

ITALIAN WOMAN:

(Italian accent)

My name is Alotta

(quickly)

Alotta Fagina.

AUSTIN:

I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it.

It sounds like you're saying your

name is a lot of... never mind.

Listen, cats, I'm going to crash.

It's been a gas.

NUMBER TWO:

Bye-bye, Mr... Cunningham?

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote