Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery Page #12

AUSTIN:

Peace, baby.

Austin and Vanessa leave.

INT. CASINO

VANESSA:

Why did you leave so soon?

AUSTIN:

That cat Number Two has an X-ray

eyepatch. I get bad vibes from him,

man. Listen, we should go back to

the room, but first I have to go to

the naughty chair and see a man about

a dog.

He heads to the rest room.

INT. HIGH ROLLERS TABLE - CASINO

Number Two has been watching them. He presses a BUTTON.

INT. BATHROOM - CASINO

Austin enters to see a gregarious TEXAN in a huge cowboy

hat. Austin enters a stall. The Texan enters the adjoining

stall.

TEXAN:

Good luck, buddy. You don't buy food,

you rent it.

AUSTIN:

Too right, youth.

INT. BATHROOM STALL

Austin sits down. Behind him, a panel SLIDES OPEN, revealing

Patty O'Brien. His charm bracelet JINGLES. Austin looks back.

Patty's bracelet is now garotte wire.

He wraps it around Austin's throat. Austin gets his thumbs

between the wire and certain death.

AUSTIN:

(grunting)

Uh, uh!

INT. TEXAN'S STALL

The Texan can only see Austin's feet, which are moving about

frantically. He can hear the GRUNTING.

TEXAN:

Hey pardner, just relax, don't force

it! Use some creative visualization.

INT. AUSTIN'S STALL

Austin GRUNTS and snaps his head back into Patty O'Brien's

crotch. Patty O'Brien GROANS in agony.

PATTY O'BRIEN

(groaning)

Ughhhhh...

Austin breaks free of the charm bracelet/garotte, grabs Patty

O'Brien's head, and pulls it between his legs so that it

hovers above the toilet bowl.

AUSTIN:

Who does Number Two work for?

INT. TEXAN'S STALL

TEXAN:

That's right! Show that turd who's

boss!

INT. AUSITN'S STALL

AUSTIN:

Who does Number Two work for?

PATTY O'BRIEN

(quietly, straining)

Go to hell.

Austin drops Patty's head into the toilet and FLUSHES. We

hear MUFFLED GURGLING SOUNDS from Patty O'Brien.

INT. TEXAN'S STALL

The Texan hears all of this, and is now concerned.

INT. AUSTIN'S STALL

Austin reaches into Patty O'Brien's wallet. We see his Dr.

Evil ID card and Alotta's Virtucon business card with her

address.

INT. BATHROOM

Austin is leaving his stall. The Texan can see Patty O'Brien's

dead body head-first in the toilet.

TEXAN:

Jesus Christ, what did you eat?

ANGLE ON THE FLOOR OF AUSTIN'S STALL

Patty O'Brien's lifeless hand hits the floor. The charms

come tumbling out: a heart, a moon, a star, and a clover. A

second later, a blue diamond falls out.

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC:
Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE

GRAPHIC:
Love Power Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily.

EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - MORNING

INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY

Vanessa is on the phone on the bed sifting through photos

and files on Dr. Evil, Virtucon, etc.

In the background, through an open door, we see that Austin

is asleep on the couch.

VANESSA:

(into phone)

Hello Mum?

INT. MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE - LONDON

An older Mrs. Kensington sits in her suburban English front

room.

MRS. KENSINGTON

(on phone)

Oh, hello Vanessa. How was the flight?

VANESSA (V.O.)

Great.

MRS. KENSINGTON

How's Austin?

VANESSA (V.O.)

He's asleep.

MRS. KENSINGTON

You didn't...

INT. HOTEL SUITE

VANESSA:

Oh, God no, I made him sleep on the

couch.

In the background, we see Austin get off the couch. He is

very naked and very hairy. A strategically placed vase of

flowers blocks his naughty bits from view.

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)

I'm proud of you.

VANESSA:

Why?

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)

Because you managed to resist Austin

Power's charms.

Austin moves towards the bathroom away from the flowers.

Right in the nick of time, Vanessa holds up a photo of Number

Two and looks at it, blocking his naughty parts.

VANESSA:

Well, God knows he tried, but I've

been rather firm with him, Mummy.

You didn't tell me he was so obsessed

with sex. It's bizarre.

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)

You can't judge him by modern

standards. He's very much a product

of his times. In my day he could

have any woman he wanted.

VANESSA:

What about his teeth?

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