Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery Page #14

AUSTIN:

You're crazy. The camera loves you,

Vanessa.

Vanessa does a few coy poses.

AUSTIN:

Go, Vanessa, go!

Vanessa lets go a little bit more.

WHITE CYC:

Austin and Vanessa are in the midst of a full professional

photo shoot, and she's loving it.

Austin begins SNAPPING pictures, all the while changing her

look, touching her hair.

AUSTIN:

Alright, luv! Love it! Turn... pout

for me Vanessa. Smashing! Crazy.

Give me some shoulder.

(pause)

Yes! Yes! Yes!

He motions to her two top buttons of her blouse. She nods

no.

Austin nods yes. She sheepishly undoes them. A MONTAGE of

her in various gowns, one more exotic and exciting than the

other.

AUSTIN:

Show me love. Yes!

(beat)

Smashing!

Vanessa is flanked by two buff MALE MODELS a la Madonna.

AUSTIN:

Great! Great! Smashing!

(beat)

Yes! Yes! Yes!

(beat)

No! No!

Love it. Give me love. Give me mouth. Give me lips.

(BEAT)

Going in very close now.

He goes in closer.

AUSTIN:

Give me eyes.

(closer)

Give me cornea.

(closer)

Give me aqueous humour.

(closer)

Coming in closer. Give me retina,

Vanessa.

(closer)

Even closer. Give me optic nerve.

(beat)

Love it!

(beat)

And... done.

He throws the camera down.

AUSTIN:

I'm spent. What say you we go out on

the town?

EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - BUS - NIGHT

Austin and Vanessa are on the top deck of an open air double-

decker English bus having a full-course formal dinner. They're

drinking champagne.

Austin is cutting sausages into ever-smaller pieces, holding

his cutlery very English. He has cut one piece to the point

to which it's a speck. He puts it on the fork and offers it

to her.

AUSTIN:

Fancy a nibble?

VANESSA:

I couldn't have another bite.

They laugh. They drink. It's TOM JONES, serenading them.

They begin to dance.

Austin gives her roses. Austin is wooing her.

EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - NIGHT

They walk along the brightly-lit streets, laughing, enjoying

each other's company. Austin gives Vanessa a pet rock. She

graciously accepts.

LAS VEGAS - SUPERIMPOSITION MONTAGE

Austin and Vanessa stroll against a changing series of

backgrounds-- neon signs, Vegas icons, dice showgirls, etc.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Sounds of MOANS and GROANS. We see Austin's backside sticking

out above a piece of furniture, then Vanessa's high-heeled

leg straining upwards.

VANESSA (O.S.)

Watch out, you're on my hair!

AUSTIN (O.S.)

Sorry. Move your hand to the left.

There you go. Gorgeous.

VANESSA (O.S.)

Go! Just go!

We hear a SPINNING SOUND.

AUSTIN (O.S.)

Left hand, blue.

We now see that Austin and Vanessa are playing TWISTER. She

reaches for left hand blue and they fall over, laughing.

AUSTIN:

Wait a tick, I forgot something in

the lobby.

(moving behind the

couch)

I know what. I'll take the stairs.

Behind the couch, Austin mimes going down stairs.

AUSTIN:

Maybe I'll take the escalator.

Austin mimes the smooth descent of an escalator.

AUSTIN:

Why take the escalator when I could

take a canoe?

Austin mimes rowing a canoe behind the couch.

VANESSA:

I haven't had fun like that since

college.

AUSTIN:

I'm sorry.

VANESSA:

Why?

AUSTIN:

I'm sorry that bug up your ass had

to die.

She laughs too much, making a SNORTING sound.

VANESSA:

Always wanting to have fun, that's

you in a nutshell.

AUSTIN:

No, this is me in a nutshell.

Austin mimes being trapped in a nutshell.

AUSTIN:

Help! I'm in a nutshell! What kind

of nut has such a big nutshell? How

did I get into this bloody great big

nutshell?

Vanessa laughs again, SNORTING, tipsy.

AUSTIN:

You're smashed, Vanessa.

VANESSA:

I am not.

AUSTIN:

Oh, yes you are.

VANESSA:

I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm

always the designated driver.

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