Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery Page #9

Around PATTY O'BRIENS WRIST is a charm bracelet.

DR. EVIL

A superstitious man, he leaves a

tiny keepsake on every victim he

kills. Scotland Yard would love to

get their hands on that piece of

evidence.

PATTY O'BRIEN

(heavy Irish accent)

Yes, they're always after me lucky

charms!

Everyone in the room tries to keep a straight face.

PATTY O'BRIEN

What? What? Why does everyone always

laugh when I say that? They are after

me lucky charms.

They cannot contain their LAUGHTER.

PATTY O'BRIEN

(angry)

What?

FRAU FARBISSINA:

(through suppressed

laughter)

It's a television commercial with

this little cartoon Leprechaun who

is a benevolent imp who is very

concerned that these children will

steal his lucky charms which are

foodstuffs fashioned into various

shapes-- hearts, moons, clovers,

what have you...

(pause)

It's a long story.

DR. EVIL

Finally, I come to my number two

man. His name:
Number Two.

NUMBER TWO, a good-looking 40-year-old man with an eye-patch.

DR. EVIL

For thirty years, Number Two has run

Virtucon, the legitimate face of my

evil empire.

He hits a button. The conference table slowly rotates to

reveal a large, illuminated map of the United States dotted

by various miniature models.

NUMBER TWO:

Over the last thirty years, Virtucon

has grown by leaps and bounds. About

fifteen years ago, we changed from

volatile chemicals to the

communication industry. We own cable

companies in thirty-eight states.

The thirty-eight states illuminate on the map.

NUMBER TWO:

In addition to our cable holdings,

we own a steel mill in Cleveland.

A steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland.

NUMBER TWO:

Shipping in Texas.

A ship off the coast of Texas illuminates.

NUMBER TWO:

Oil refineries in Seattle.

An oil refinery illuminates in Seattle.

NUMBER TWO:

And a factory in Chicago that makes

miniature models of factories.

The miniature model factory lights up in Chicago.

NUMBER TWO:

We also own the Franklin mint, which

makes decorative hand-painted theme

plates for collectors.

(holds up plate)

Some plates, like the Gone With The

Wind series, have gone up in value

as much as two-hundred and forty

percent, but, as with any investment,

there is some risk involved.

DR. EVIL

Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called

blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain

are the wealthiest landowners in the

world. Either the Royal Family pays

us an exorbitant amount of money, or

we make it look like Prince Charles,

the heir to the throne, has had an

affair outside of marriage and,

therefore, they would have to divorce.

There is an uncomfortable silence.

NUMBER TWO:

Um, Dr. Evil, Prince Charles did

have an affair. He admitted it, and

they are now divorced, actually.

DR. EVIL

People have to tell me these things.

I've been frozen for thirty years,

throw me a bone here.

(pausing)

OK, no problem. Here's my second

plan. Back in the Sixties I had a

weather changing machine that was in

essence a sophisticated heat beam

which we called a "laser." Using

this laser, we punch a hole in the

protective layer around the Earth,

which we scientists call the "Ozone

Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet

rays would pour in, increasing the

risk of skin cancer. That is, unless

the world pays us a hefty ransom.

There is another uncomfortable silence.

NUMBER TWO:

Umm, that also has already happened.

DR. EVIL

Right.

(pause)

Oh, hell, let's just do what we always

do. Let's hijack some nuclear weapons

and hold the world hostage.

(pause)

Gentlemen, it's come to my attention

that a breakaway Russian Republic

called Kreplachistan will be

transferring a nuclear warhead to

the United Nations in a few days.

Here's the plan. We get the warhead,

and we hold the world ransom...

(dramatic pause)

...FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote