Austin Powers in Goldmember Page #3

I only survived because her smoking carcass formed

a protective cocoon of slaughtered human effluence.

A Belgian man and his 15 year old love slave with

web feet was looting the accident scene.

They came across a blood soaked baby, moi. They

raised me to be evil. You know that old chestnut.

But nothing compares to this. Being inside the

belly of the beast night after night all alone!

Daddies all pant up, let's freak.

Times up.

"Visiting hours are over".

"Get to the line".

Cuffs up.

Move it.

Hi there. How you sleeping?

Good?

Gentlemen, listen up you all.

Here is the new plan. You're gonna start a riot.

And we're going to walk out the front door.

Hey man, I know guys on crack that

makes more sense then you.

Really?

Let me put it to you this way, coz.

Alright listen up. Tonight 8 p.m

You're going to start a riot.

"Attention all guards, there is a riot in progress".

"Seal all exits". "Attention, Dr Evil and his clone"

"Are trying to escape".

"All guards report to cell block A immediately".

There you are, good morning sunshine.

Good morning.

How did you sleep?

Great. Me too. If these lips could talk.

You have the right to remain sexy, sugar.

I hope there's a search involved.

You've got mail.

So, what does this thing do? Well, it's called the

internet, and it's completely revolutionised

The way we live and access vital information.

For example, have a look at this.

Now thats vital information.

I know it's amazing.

Basil, what's happening baby?

A lot is happening Foxy.

Dr. Evil has escaped.

The good news is that one of our agents has

managed to infiltrate Dr. Evil's organisation.

Excellent Basil, we've been trying for years to get

a mole inside Dr. Evil's lair, we now have that mole.

Yes.

And here he is.

So you're the Mole.

The most excellent agent

we've ever seen.

Yes, the most excellent agent

we've ever seen. Thank you.

Now, I wasn't able to get an exact location.

But I did learn that Dr Evil has moved

To a new lair outside Tokyo, Japan.

By the way, I realise that I have

a large mole on my face.

Where? What? Where's that mole?

I didn't see one.

I also realise the irony,

that I am myself a mole.

No one would make that connection.

Anyway, well done old chap.

Jolly god work.

Yes, nice to mole you, meet you. Nice to meet your

mole. Don't say mole. Stop. I said mole. Stop.

Bye.

-Mole.

Shut up!

"Tokyo Bay"

Up periscope.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my

new submarine lair.

It's long and hard and full of seamen.

Nothing? No? Not even a titter?

Tough sub.

Dr Evil! You look very tight. Yes, tight

like a tiger, yes.

Really? Yes, you look like a

"macho man", "Village People".

You know Goldmember, I don't think that's something

one dude should say to another dude. A little creepy.

Yes this is a keeper.

Alright you're not gonna put that skin in your

mouth are you? You did. Okay, that's just gross.

Yes, salty, yes that was good.

Ladies and gentlemen, as you know we've been

designing a "tractor beam". Code name Preparation H.

It's powerful enough to pull the meteor "Midas 22"

into a collision course with the earth.

Upon entering the atmosphere the hot boll of "magma" will

strike and melt the polar ice caps, causing a global flood.

But enough of my technical mumbo jumbo

allow me to demonstrate.

Lower the globe.

Lower the globe!

Scheisse, well congratulations numb nuts. You have

succeeded in turning me into a freakin jack in the box.

Get it off, get it off. It's dark.

I'm okay, I'm okay.

Release the meteor.

Release the meteor!

No way. Right in the cannikin.

God damn it!

Guys! Way to go a-hole! Like try and find

my balls for god sakes. 1, 2 and 3, ok. I'm ok.

Dr. Evil we still have the ultimate insurance policy.

May I present to you the very sexual, the very tight

Austin Powers, fadjer.

His what?

His fadjer doctor Evil.

His fadjer? What's a fadjer?

His fadjer. You know the fadjer. Yeah Goldmember,

I don't speak freaky deeky Dutch, ok perv boy?

Fadjer is dad, dad is fadjer.

Oh, his dad. Oh, his FATHER.

Yes, I would with that accent.

Isn't that weird? Father, father.

Nigel Powers. Hello, hello.

Bring him to me.

Easy peesy, lemon squeezy. Put the guns down.

Is this the first day on the job or something?

Look, this is how it goes. You attack me one at a time.

And I knock you out with a single punch. Ok? Go.

Judo chop. He's good.

Judo chop.

Do you know who I am? Have you any idea how many

anonymous hench men I have killed over the years?

Look at you. You havent even got a name tag.

You got no chance. Why don't you just fall down.

Alright, Dr Evil give yourself up

while you still got a chance.

Okay, okay. You got me.

Nigel Powers meet Mini-Me.

Blimey, I thought I smelled cabbage.

Take him away!

Dr Evil, can I paint his yoo-hoo gold? It's kinda my thing.

How about no, you crazy Dutch bastard.

"Attention henchmen. It's health week.

Don't forget your physical, Dr Evil's orders".

You know, I think it's a shame the way they treat you.

Just because you're 1/8th of their size.

Doesn't mean you deserve 1/8th of

their respect. Does it?

Say, Mini fella, I'm curious. Is everything in

proportion? You know your bobby dangler

Your general, 2 colonels. Your giggle stick,

master of ceremonies.

Yeah, don't be shy. Let's have a look.

My word, your a tripod.

What do you feed that thing?

It's like a baby's arm holding an apple.

The good new is if you ever get tired,

you can use it as a kick stand.

I think we both know who the real

brains is behind this operation.

Tokyo International Airport, Japan.

Tokyo a go-go baby, yeah.

What's kicking Basil? A lot is kicking Foxy.

Austin. One of Dr Evil's henchmen

Has been spotted at the

Asahi Sumo Arena. Proceed there immediately.

Thanks Basil.

"Asahi Sumo Arena"

Jesus Christ! This diaper is making my nuts

rub together. It's gonna start a fire

That's Fat Bastard.

You know what my favourite

Helen Hunt movie is? Twister.

That's not right. Sure ain't.

Are we done here? I've gotta take a crap.

Wait a tic. Something doesnt smell right.

And I think its Fat Bastard.

You ok, Austin?

Sound as a pound love.

What the? I didn't have any corn.

Hey diaper lady! Here's my diaper. I think I might have

pinched one off to soon. I left a rosebud in there for you.

You really are a fat bastard.

You know that hurts my feelings. I've tried going

on a diet you know, the zoan. Curbs are the enemy.

Who's your friend?

I like to have a go with that filly.

Do you find me sexy? Look at my titties.

Shut your mouth.

Alright, that's enough.

Ok, you got me, put it there.

Ok.

My titties, you gave me a ner-pull.

I've got you now.

Prepare for the ultimate wire-fighting manoeuvre.

I just hope my wire-fighting team is ready!

Oh great, isn't this magical. One of

my wire's broke.

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