Awful Nice Page #3

I'm trying to be

patient with you.

It's like goddamn Nazi Germany.

You're not allowed to say that.

My wife's Jewish.

Give me the watch.

Dude, you're dreaming.

- I want the watch.

There's no way you're ever

going to get this watch.

Well, I'll take it if I want.

I'm asking you first.

I dare you, I f***ing dare you.

Don't touch me, man.

Dude, I'm driving. Come on, man.

Give me the hat.

- Give me my hat back.

Don't f***in' hit

me again, dude.

Do not f***ing hit me again.

Or what? What are you

going to do?

You're breaking like

four rules here.

Go.

Let go. Don't f***ing...

I'm pretty sure the rest of my

cards are down here, and I know

I had doubles of the zoa card so

you better hope I can find it.

And definitely all

my karate trophies.

I don't remember you

being any good at karate.

I remember kicking

your ass a bunch.

I will give you one percent

of my half of the house

No. You're not getting

the watch, Dave.

Jesus. Look at all this trash.

Maybe there's

squatters living here.

Were you partying

down here, Dave?

No.

[Thunder]

F***, it's locked.

Uncle Mitch didn't

give you a key?

No, he didn't give me a key.

I bet I can handle this.

[Glass breaking]

Got it.

Now this one's not even

locked I don't think.

[Keys jangling]

Spare key.

Well open the f***ing door, man.

Move, dude, I have to

go to the bathroom.

And don't touch my

cards if you find 'em.

Were mom and dad, like,

secret party animals?

I think we have a hole in the

roof or some kind of

water leak up here.

Ah cripes.

This place is trashed.

Jesus.

Sh*t.

Oww.

F***.

[Footsteps]

What are you doing down here?

We have a problem.

I'm trying to turn

the power back on.

I think we have some

pretty serious wasps.

We gotta f***in' huge skunk

I just saw in the bathroom.

Now to lure it out, we're gonna

usually- we'll usually drill a

hole in the central part of the

house, try and find one of its

young. If it's the mother,

it will follow it out.

Get it right there, ok?

Garbage bag, shovel, smash it,

burn it, eat it,

whatever ya want.

If it's the father, then we got

a whole other set of problems.

Now the skunks are the worst.

Oh dinosaur museum

plus haunted house.

That sounds spooky.

Just one more second.

Have you got some

patience in your pocket?

Could we get a

double for tonight?

Oh a double, let me look

on the computer and

see if we got one for ya.

Yeah, looks like

we're all booked up.

Yeah, convention

in town, I guess.

Really? 'Cuz there's nobody

in the parking lot...

Yeah, I guess the only thing

available is the guesthouse,

but that's where I'm staying.

Yeah so if you guys

wanna come over.

I bet we can all

squeeze in there.

Just you on top of

me on top of him. Right?

[Laughing]

It's a joke. I'm jokin' with ya.

I'm jokin' with ya, buddy.

I'm jokin' with ya.

It's fine, it's fine.

Yeah, you can just get any

single possible room in the

We can get ya the honeymoon

suite and that's got a

a built in jacuzzi.

And we got some

champagne on ice for ya.

We got a two foot pyramid of

flavored condoms that we put

I like that, that

sounds pretty good.

No we just want a regular-

the thing about this jacuzzi is

it's an old jacuzzi.

'Cuz I hate these new jacuzzis.

I hate having to break one in.

There's no television.

And there's one bed.

So you guys will have to

cuddle up with each other.

What about the guest house thing

you were mentioning earlier?

I've got four beds, but

I push them all together.

So don't worry though, I

think we can all squeeze

in there if we like.

Can I talk to you

outside for a second?

Do you need help getting

your bags outta your car?

'Cuz I'm a...

...I'm a helpful little helper.

Always a bridesmaid I guess.

F***!

That guy was kind of weird huh?

I don't see us beating that

honeymoon sweet deal though.

There's no way that

we're staying here.

You're going back to the

house with the skunks?

I wouldn't suggest it.

Alright, what do you want to do?

[Car speeding past]

Yeah, the guy with the

wonder years haircut.

Sir, may I see your

room key please?

Yeah, sure.

You know what, I think

I left it in my room.

Just tell me your room

number and I'd be happy

to go to the front desk and

make you a new one.

I don't have a room number.

Because I don't

have a room here.

I'm stealing this breakfast.

Sir, I'm going to

have to ask you leave.

Alright.

Hey.

Hey!

Hey!

Ah f***.

What are you doing?

What the f*** are you doing?

What?

- What are you doing?

I woke up, you were gone.

You were trying to

f***in' leave me.

I got you a f***ing

breakfast, dude.

Get in the car.

F*** you.

[Honks] Get in the car.

[Thud]

[Hiss of airbag inflating]

What the f***?

How did this place get so messy?

I don't know what you're

talking about man.

It looks the same to me.

What, are you blind?

Mom and dad were neat freaks.

This looks like homeless

people lived here.

Well if they were living here,

then they wouldn't be homeless.

Well, I don't know... you're

living here and you're homeless.

Well, you're here...

Hmm?

You're brain stopped

working there for a second.

Oh, check it out, dude.

Found dad's old bowlng ball.

Think it still works?

Um, I'd assume so.

Alright, all this stuff can come

out of my half of the house.

Alright. But just wait until I

get out of the way before you-

ohh!

- What the f*** dude?

You gotta give me the watch

now because I got it first try.

Those are the rules.

- I didn't agree to that.

Gravity test, heads up.

This is how you spot a dude who

just bought a jet ski, alright.

He's sitting like this.

He's sitting like this, alright?

You want your center of

gravity all the way back.

You want your butt

almost in the water.

This is for cigarrettes,

whatever, kegger, anything.

That's what you

wanted to show me?

Yeah.

Come on man, we're

gonna be late.

Let's go meet charbineau.

You know him too. You've met

him like fifteen times.

I don't know this guy. I've

never met this guy before.

He's been dad's business

partner your whole life.

You've met him like

twenty-five f***in' times.

No, that's not true.

Yeah, it is.

Unless... wait, is he?

He's not like a big, giant

puerto rican guy, is he?

Ok, I thought it

was somebody else.

Who was that guy dad

used to hang out with?

That puerto rican guy.

That's not this

guy, are you sure?

I don't think you're

thinking of dad.

Well I know what dad looks like.

Do you?

Yeah.

I think you want to

go mezzanine first.

Do mezzanine level first.

- Can you just stop?

Do mezzanine level first,

then check in,

and then, were gonna...

- Stop, Dave.

[Ding]

Did you hit it?

We'll check in and then we'll...

[Grunt]

That was a cheap shot, man.

F*** you.

Buggy, it's me.

I... I want early bird and

elmo mo mo in the third.

Ten large. No ten large.

Each. Alright, bye bye.

Well, well, well.

You had me worried you two.

Your little tussle

the other night.

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