Awful Nice Page #6

Are we actually being

charged with anything?

'Cuz legally if you're gonna

charge me with something,

you need to present me

with a police report.

Mm, yeah we got one.

Gonna print out two

copies right now.

Oh I don't actually have it.

Well, y'all don't go nowhere.

Bruce and I'll be right back.

Donna, can you print out

them a police reports?

Yeah.

Smart sh*t with that

police report, dude.

Not really. I made it up.

Really?

It sounded real. Do you

think they know that?

I don't know, but we gotta get

out of here as soon as possible,

because you've already

cost us a day on the house.

F*** you, give me a

f***ing break, dude.

Everything I do is

just so f***ing stupid.

And you have, like, so much more

important sh*t you have to do.

Yeah, I agree.

At least I'm there

when people need me.

Oh, come on.

I had to drive halfway across

the country to take you to your

Oh, now you're the f***ing

hero of the family.

You can do whatever

the f*** you want.

Call everbody shitheads.

That's all I'm saying.

Yeah right.

I'm there and you're not.

When have I not been there?

A ton of times, like...

That time I went to rehab.

Remember? Remember that?

I was- I was like- I was having

some problems and you know mom

and dad were there, and a couple

of other people were there,

You know, everyone

was there but you. You know?

You had some- you had some kind

of desimination you had to do.

Yeah, and that's like a

book report kind of thing.

It sounds like a really

important book report.

Yeah I've got a f***ing

book report to do. Whatever.

The time I got arrested.

Remember when I got arrested?

Mom and dad were in Europe.

Boy, I got real comfy

in that jail cell.

Nobody came and bailed me out.

Nobody showed up.

I was on a writer's fellowship.

I'm- I'm just being

such a shithead. I should

have known that you were on

some writer's fellowship...

I'm sorry I missed all your

f***ing fork in the road

moments, Dave, but it looks

like there's gonna be a

milion more... [banter]

Well, well, well.

It ain't looking too good, boys.

It turns out one of you's

got a warrant in Springfield.

The other hasn't payed

taxes in years, so...

I, I put a call in to the

governor to see if I could get

you extradited, maybe you could

face these charges in the state

without the death penalty...

My hands are tied.

There ain't much more I can do.

You know-

alright, y'all are free

to go. So, uh...

Bruce, I thought we were gonna

sweat 'em out a little bit more.

Yeah.

Yeah, you guys are-

you guys are...

Yeah, ok. It's too late Bruce.

Nonetheless though.

You've each been implanted with

a micro chip so I'm gonna be

monitoring you from here on out.

What are you doing

in dad's office?

Quit dicking around.

No, you're counting change.

You're stealing change.

I'm not stealing change.

Half of that change is mine.

I don't want all the nickles. I

want most of the quarters.

You don't get to have

all the quarters.

Come on, we have to go

figure out where to start.

I know, I know

what we need to do.

I got this list from charbineau.

It's got everything we need

to do to the house on it.

You got a list from charbineau?

Half this sh*t we can do today.

Well you seemed like you knew

everything that was going on

earlier, so...

We got work to do.

[Crashing]

[Breaking glass]

[Thwak]

You almost hit me in the

face with a hockey puck.

If I wanted to hit you

in the face, I would've

hit you in the face.

Dude, you and me both know the

best work I do is in the crease.

That's not true. You

weren't ever any good.

Well, if I wasn't any good, why

don't you try and score on me.

[Sigh]

So, if I score on you, you have

to go clean the dock right now.

Alright, dude, but if I shut

you down, you've gotta

give me that watch.

Also if you get in my

crease, I will take you down.

Ok? I'm not gonna

apologize for that.

That's just an

instinct, alright?

From years of goal tending.

Number two, do not

aim for my throat.

Oww, I'm not ready yet. Stop!

I'm not ready. I'm not.

I gotta get set you f***in' wad.

'Cuz I just f***ing scored, bro.

Now I'm ready. Try again.

Let's go. This is the

one that counts.

Nice work, dipshit.

Ok, that one's coming

out of my half.

They're open, dude. Don't worry.

This guy's selling churros. I

might try and check that out.

But uh, yeah...

Hey where're you going?

[Ding]

Welcome to the store.

May I help you?

Uh yeah.

Do you have wasp spray?

All of our insecticides

are on aisle five.

Cool, thanks.

You guys still close at three?

Seven to seven every

day, rain or shine.

What about yesterday?

Rain or shine. Seven to seven.

Every day.

Alright, thanks man.

Jackpot.

What's up, what's up?

What are you all

mother f***er's doing?

Ah, I'm just playing. I'm

just playing. What's up?

Wow, divorce?

Yeah, yuck.

Actually it's not bad 'cuz

I'm not miserable now, so...

Yeah.

You, you have a baby.

I know, right?

Wow. I'm so happy for you.

Jim, you're not going

to believe this sh*t.

Next door, laser tag place?

Looking for supplies

for the house.

Ended up getting jumped by a

bunch of construction workers.

Can you believe that sh*t?

Yes, actually I believe it.

Lauren Kennedy, do you

remember my brother, Dave.

Hey. What's up?

- Hi.

We went to camp together. Her

parents had a trampoline.

You guys used to bone

down, didn't you?

We used to date, yeah.

You did- you took her virginity.

That's f***ed up, dude.

Actually I took his.

For the record.

Ohhh.

Wait, what happened to you?

You got jumped outside?

I got like, just got hit

by a motorcycle actually.

It was pretty crazy

but I'm totally fine.

I'm good.

Out front, yeah. It just clipped

me. But... everbody's ok.

Oh my God.

He's an idiot.

Where are your shoes?

Oh, lost 'em in the crash.

That's crazy.

Pop right off.

You didn't go pick 'em up?

I'm fine though.

I'm cool, I'm cool.

He might be kinda f***ed up.

How long are you guys here for?

A couple days.

Ok, well if you want to

catch up more, or whatever...

Great yeah.

Nice to see you.

I did not get jumped.

Bye, nice to see you.

Hope you feel better.

How many times have you been

beat up the last few days?

You got her number. Help

you get over your wife.

Uh, I don't need to get

over my wife, dummy.

Don't you hate her

though, or something?

I'm probably thinking

of somebody else.

Man, it's fun being

back down here, right?

Did you lie to me about the

hardware store being closed?

The guy at the counter said that

they were open the other day.

Well maybe that dude was lying,

you ever think about that?

Dad was always our coach, man.

Football, baseball,

hockey, karate.

anybody else teaching his kids

how to do anything.

Yeah, we gotta find these

karate uniforms, dude.

You really think your old

gi's gonna fit you smart guy?

No, I bet dad's will

though, you f***ing moron.

Uh, you might want to call your

karate association, 'cuz they

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