Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation Page #4

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- Yeah.

- Wow.

- Yeah, l got started really young.

- My grandpa, he was a member,

so he started teaching me early.

- [ Coughs ]

Oh, careful there, Suzy Q.

Those things are a little tricky.

You gotta be careful.

Yeah, you know, between

my grandpa and the Boy Scouts...

- it was like l was just born to be in S.A.A.

- The Boy Scouts?

Oh, yeah.

l did a lot of hustling in the Scouts.

Yeah, with the Christmas tree lot

in the winter...

and then goin' door to door

in the summertime--whatever it took.

- My scoutmaster even said

l was the best he ever had.

- [ Coughs ]

- l'm fine.

- Are you all right?

Okay, let's not bore

the nice people...

with faded childhood

glories there, Sonny.

- Hey, Rico, isn't that your kid over there?

- Hmm?

Not a lot of women are comfortable

with a male ''vaginacologist''...

but l have many,

many satisfied patients.

- I am booking appointments.

- Come on.

- So, uh, Betty.

- Hmm?

You wanna maybe grab a drink later?

You know, talk shop? l could always

use some pointers on my technique.

Okay?

[ Chuckles ] Man.

- l need to call my sponsor.

- Mm-hmm.

[ Todd ] Guys, let's go!

The stripper's aren't getting any younger.

- Sonny! Sonny!

- Hey!

Betty, what's--what's goin' on?

Nothing. l just really

enjoyed talking with you earlier.

Oh, well, th-that's cool.

Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

Maybe, uh-- Maybe we should

hang out, you know?

- Grab a pizza, f***?

- [ Laughs ] l thought you'd never ask.

- Pardon?

- Well, l don't eat pizza, but whatever.

Gentlemen, l will see you later.

[ Laughing ]

That line has never worked.

l mean, ever.

l'm gonna be really pissed

if she doesn't murder him...

or at least harvest a kidney, man.

[ Chattering ]

Ugh! That-That pole's

gotta be covered in crabs and herpes...

and God knows what.

l am so glad l cashed in

my 401 (k), man.

- [ Groans ]

- Gentlemen, this booth's us.

Come on.

- [ No Audible Dialogue ]

- Excuse me, ladies.

l hate to interrupt this meeting

of the minds, but l got a work question.

Who wants to make $1 0,000

for five minutes of work?

Oh-- Back, back. Yeah.

There it is. There it is.

- Aaah!

- Yeah!

Get into position.

Oh! The conquering hero

has returned.

[ Laughing ]

Yeah.

- Hey, that didn't take long, man.

- Trust me, dude.

She couldn't take much more.

l f***ing killed it-- Ninja style.

- Oh, yeah? What, like fast and silent?

- You know it, brother. Yeah.

Hoo. Check it out. That chick's a dead ringer

for a young Nancy Reagan.

- [ Seth ] So?

- l always wanted to f*** Nancy Reagan. Yeah!

[ Seth ]

I was always fond of Geraldine Ferraro.

- Very sexy.

- Come on, bachelor.

You've got a date

in the V.l.P. room.

Go to the V.l.P.-- Oh, my God.

Whoa. Hey!

Whoa! You're--You're very nimble.

Shh. Save your energy.

You're gonna need it.

Oh.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, wow.

I've gotta get married more often.

Uh-- Hey. Hey.

Maybe the belt

should stay buckled though. No?

Robin! Your mommy's on the phone.

- Your grandma had a heart attack.

- Nana?

Uh-huh.

Oh, my God.

That's horrible. l--

- You're not going anywhere, baby.

- Hey. Hey--Ah!

[ Moaning ]

Okay.

Hey. Hey--That's a zipper.

- That's happening now.

- Hey, back off!

- He's mine.

- You can share.

What? What?

Oh! Oh, Lord.

- Maybe we've had enough. That's my leg.

- You f***ing b*tch!

[ Both Shouting ]

[ Screams ]

[ Whimpers, Screams ]

Holy sh*t.

Come on, guys.

- [ Ron Groaning ]

- Get the hell off of him.

- [ Moans ]

- Hey!

[ Groans ]

[ Yelling ]

[ Laughing ]

Yeah! Stripper fight!

- [ Groans ]

- Get off! Get off!

- [ Screaming ]

- [ Screams ]

[ Screaming ]

What is Todd's deal?

ls he trying to get me laid

or get me killed?

- Hey, man, there are worse ways to die.

- Yeah.

Dudes, that chick in the corner...

is throwing me signals

like she's Johnny f***in' Bench.

She's paying more attention...

to the floating lint than you, dude.

All right, let's get down

to brass tacks, okay?

- Are you ready for marriage, Ron?

- l think so. Yeah.

Oh. So you're ready

to say good-bye to blow jobs?

'Cause that's

the first thing that goes.

Married women don't give blowj*bs.

It's a union thing, man.

And then your sports

that you love...

that's the next thing

you can kiss good-bye.

- Mel likes sports.

- No, no, no.

They pretend they like sports...

the same way we pretend

we like talkin' to them.

The only sports you're gonna get

when you're married...

is Little League T-Ball.

And l've seen that stuff,

and trust me, Ron.

Most of those kids

really f***in' suck, okay?

And by the time they

take away the last thing...

that gives you

any pleasure at all-- booze--

you've forgotten what happiness is.

So now you're just walking around...

an empty shell

of the man you once were.

And that's when

they leave you, Ron. Hmm.

Claimin' that

''You're not the man l married.''

Well, no sh*t, hey?

Thanks for playin',

and here's a parting gift.

Child support and alimony

right up the ass!

And... that's marriage, Ron.

You ready for that?

- l'm gonna go pee.

- Mmm.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

l need some pills.

[ Groans ]

- Oh, for God's sakes. Let me help you with that.

- Oh, thanks.

Just don't get any ideas.

l'm not gonna wipe your ass later.

Ooh. My old friend codeine.

- Nice. Two for me, one for you?

- No, no, no.

- l need that stuff, man.

- Wait a minute.

- Can you drink with those?

- lt's way better when you drink.

One beer is not gonna be a problem.

Aw, come on, man. Marriage is outdated,

Ron. We don't need 'em.

Yeah, we never should have,

uh, given women the right to vote.

Okay, that's it.

Let's take it easy, shall we?

- lt's been kind of a long night,

what with the gang rape and all.

- [ Snoring ]

Oh, God. l'm gonna walk

Sleeping Beauty back up to his room.

- Come on.

- Okay. l gotta go to the garden party.

- Okay, careful. Careful.

- [ lndistinct ]

Okay. That's good for you.

You guys, uh--

You guys comin', or what?

No, l think l'm gonna

stay here, man.

That chick over there

is beggin' me for it.

- [ No Audible Dialogue ]

- l'm not gonna miss this.

Why would you?

Seth?

[ Groans ]

- Hi. [ Chuckles ]

- Hi.

He's, uh--

He's had kind of a long day.

- lt's definitely past someone's bedtime.

- Yeah.

- Sorry about that. Come on, pal.

- [ Seth Mumbles ]

Here you go. Oh, geez.

[ Laughs ]

So, uh, do you wanna

take a picture...

or should l give you a piece of paper

so you can sketch them?

- Take a picture.

- Oh, no. l'm sorry. l'm sorry.

l'm from Cleveland,

and l was noticing your shirt.

- Are you a Browns fan?

- My father is from Cleveland,

so l was brainwashed early.

l'm a Cavs fan,

but they're breaking my heart right now.

- [ Man On TV, Indistinct ]

- Aw, come on, LeBron.

- Shoot less commercials and more free throws.

- [ Seth ] Come on, LeBron.

- So you're--you're a big Cleveland fan, huh?

- Such is my curse.

- Well, uh--

- [ Snoring ]

He's drooling on me now...

so l should probably go,

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