Bachelor Party 2: The Last Temptation Page #6

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l thought you were cute.

Oh, um, thank you.

[ Laughs ] l'm, uh-- l'm flattered.

[ Chuckles ]

Easy, cowboy. l'm just bustin' your balls.

- Hello. l'm engaged too. [ Chuckles ]

- [ Laughs ]

God, is everyone

from Cleveland this gullible?

They have done studies.

Yeah, yeah.

So, uh, when is your big day, hmm?

Well, we just started

dating a year ago.

So, between you, me and Tony,

l'm not exactly in a rush.

l don't wanna make a lifelong mistake.

You know what l mean?

Tony, can l have another, please?

JJ [ Humming Along ]

Ah, don't kill me!

- Seth!

- l'm fine. l'm fine. l'm fine. Whoa. Not fine.

l need-- l need my--

Where's my medication?

l think the fat boy took them.

Oh, that's just great!

Maybe this will help.

Thanks.

Oh. Uh, so, you, um--

You have a really nice--

You have a really nice voice.

What was that song you were singing?

That's a song l used to sing when l was a little

girl with my great-grandfather, Adolph.

[ Gagging ]

l'm fine. You said your--

your grandpa who?

- My great-grandfather, Adolph!

- [ Nervous Laugh ]

- He's so sweet. He lives in South America.

- Yeah, l bet.

- He calls me every week.

- Oh.

And he wants me to go to art

school like he did in Vienna.

- Oh, art school. That's--That's fun.

- Yes.

- But l'm not interested in art.

- No.

- l like politics.

- [ Laughing ]

Uh, can you-- can you give me,

maybe, the whole bottle?

[ Whimpers ]

Two months?

l see your friend's point.

What if she turns out to be

a serial killer or something?

l was once dated a guy for six months.

He turned out to be gay.

- Maybe you made him gay.

- Oh, l definitely made him gay.

l used to outdistance him

on the driving range by 50 yards.

- Pansy.

- You golf too, huh?

- Mm-hmm.

- All right. l totally would have

gone gay for you also.

l mean, not without the whole man--

You know what l'm saying.

Well, sir, flattery

will get you another drink.

Wait. No, no. l can't.

l can't. l can't. l got this, uh...

Beach Blanket Bingo thing

to go to here.

Fine. Leave me.

l got Tony.

Oh. Well, you've got the world then.

Hey, why don't you come with?

l don't think a girl should crash

your bachelor party.

Come on. lt's free booze

and drunk spring break kids.

What more could you possibly

want from an evening?

Plus, we can gab about centerpieces

and bridesmaids' dresses.

You had me at ''free booze.''

[ Laughs ]

- l'll see you there, Cleveland Ron.

- All right.

Hey, Seth.

What's goin' on, man?

[ Sighs ]

Hey, any luck finding Tom?

Whoa!

All right.

Um, you feeling okay, Seth?

No. l am far from okay.

Okay?

l needed my medication,

onlyJason took it.

So Hitler's granddaughter

gave me some of these aspirin.

Only now everything

still hurts and l have this!

Is it supposed to

curve like that, man?

- No!

- Holy baby arm!

- This is all your fault!

- Okay, how is that my fault?

Because you took my codeine,

so l took a bunch of your Viagra!

Okay, that's not Viagra, Captain Hook.

That's Equine XL.

Wait a minute.

What's Equine XL?

lt's boner pills for horses.

l get it off this veterinary Web site.

- Oh, yeah?

- Yeah, it's awesome.

[ Derek ]

I gotta get that site.

They were in an aspirin bottle,

you degenerate a**hole!

- Well, excuse me for exercising a little discretion.

- ''Exercising discretion''?

l can't think of two words

that have less in common with you...

than ''exercise'' and ''discretion''!

Ouch. That hurt, Seth.

l'm gonna give you something to hurt

about, you motherf***er! Come on!

- [ Shouting ]

- [ Screams ]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

All right, all right! Seth, stop. Stop.

[ All Shouting ]

Wet noodle! Wet noodle.

Sorry to interrupt...

whatever this is.

The, uh, party starts

in about 1 0 minutes.

So, you know,

if you just... finish up soon.

All right, Seth, I think you

should, um--you should go and...

you know, take care

of your little... situation.

- Yeah? Oh, yeah?

- [Jason ] Okay, I got it.

We just, uh,

call a little call girl.

No, no, no.

l am not letting some diseased hooker

touch me down there.

[ Derek ] We'll get a nice clean hooker

to touch you down there.

[ Seth ]

Forget it, fellas. All right? Just forget it.

[Jason ]

So, uh, are those capri pants?

They're not capri pants.

Capri pants are for women.

Oh. So they're man-pri pants?

No. Look, they're

cropped slacks, okay?

They're huge in Europe. Huge.

Yeah, George Michael's

huge in Europe too.

You ever thought of maybe

an ankle bracelet?

- ls he gonna be down soon?

- Yeah. He'll be down in a minute.

[ Whirring ]

Be gentle.

[ Shudders, Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Moaning ]

- [ Gasps, Speaking Spanish ]

- [ Gasps ]

- [ Squishing Sound ]

- [ Machine Grinding ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Chattering ]

Here you go, ladies.

- Thank you, Flora.

- [ Chuckles ]

What are we doing here?

Not that l'm complaining...

but, you know, the odds

of being thrown up on...

by a hardened alcoholic

have dropped significantly.

Speaking of, where's Mom?

She's, uh, taking one of her ''naps.''

- [ Doorbell Rings ]

- Ah. l wonder who that could be.

- What's going on?

- l don't know.

Oh, no. lt appears we have

some sort of water leak.

[ Chuckles ]

The plumber's here!

Excuse me, ladies. l understand you're having

some problems with your plumbing.

JJ [ Dance Rock ]

[ Grunting ]

- Okay.

- l may have to pull out my special tool for this job.

Don't you worry. l'm accustomed

to working with a lot of pipe.

Oh, my God!

Are thoseJimmy Choo's?

[ Gasps ]

Flora!

[ All ]

Go, plumber! Go, plumber! Go, plumber!

Go, go! Go, plumber!

Go, plumber! Go, plumber!

Go, go!

Go, plumber! Go, plumber!

Go, go!

Go, plumber! Go, plumber!

- Go, plumber! Go, plumber!

- JJ [ Stops ]

Go, go! Go, plumber!

What in f***'s name is going on?

And where did Tommy Tune

here come from?

Mother! lt's Mel's bachelorette party.

This is the stripper.

[ Effeminately ]

Hi. Love your house.

Thanks, Sally.

[ Scoffs ]

Jesus, Autumn!

This guy likes cock more

than anyone else in this room.

- Excuse me, Mother, but we were in the middle--

- But nothing.

No daughter of mine is going

to have a one-man rendition...

of a Chorus Line

for her bachelorette party.

Oh, really? Well, what do you

wanna do that's so great?

- We'll go to my book club.

- [ Chuckles ]

Oh, l'll take that.

Definitely don't need that.

- Oh.

- Thanks.

- You got it?

- Yeah.

- All right.

- Gentlemen, to a night we will never forget.

- Cheers.

- Hear! Hear!

Oh.

See ya later, guys.

- Whoa. Whoa. Feeling a little woozy.

- You all right?

l think this erection's

draining the blood from my brain.

l'm disgusting.

Okay, okay. Fair-weather friends, Ron.

Those are fair-weather friends.

l am not gonna let a little pissin' and moanin'

ruin your bachelor party.

- All right, brother? Yeah!

- All right.

- Hang on a second.

- And off he goes.

Oh. Well, thank you.

Really? Does that come

with a side ofTampax?

Not tonight.

Tonight we roll V.l.P.

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