Bachelor Party Page #21

RICK:

Father... Oh, yes... yes... yesssss...

Oh, yesssssss!

Falwell pries his hand loose.

FATHER FALWELL:

So, Rick, soon you will be a married

man. How does it feel?

RICK:

Innnnnn-credible!

FATHER FALWELL:

Well, nice seeing you both.

Rick's excitement heightens as the Hooker pulls out all stops.

RICK:

Ooooooooh, Jesus, Oh God, God, God,

God, Oh Jesus, Jeeeesussss...

Father Falwell looks on rather perplexed. Rick sees Falwell's

puzzled look.

RICK:

(continuing)

I was just saying grace.

FATHER FALWELL:

How nice.

O'NEILL

You done?

Before Rick can speak we HEAR a VOICE from under the table.

HOOKER (O.S.)

Not yet.

Rick's hand EXITS FRAME and zips up his pants. Then Rick and

O'Neill get up.

RICK:

Father, would you like to take our

table?

O'Neill can't believe what Rick is about to do.

FATHER FALWELL:

Yes. Thank you.

He sits in Rick's spot. Rick leans on the table to say his

final farewell to the priest. He takes this moment to get

some money out of his pocket and hold it under the table.

UNDER THE TABLE:

The Hooker grabs the money.

BACK TO SCENE:

RICK:

I think you'll enjoy this table.

O'NEILL

So long, Father.

He and Rick, suppressing a laugh, exit. Father Falwell picks

up the menu. We HEAR the ZIP SOUND. Father perks up. He

doesn't know what the hell is happening.

O'Neill turns to Rick as they're leaving the coffee shop.

O'NEILL

I don't get it. Why didn't you go

for it just now?

RICK:

I don't know. Maybe it's because I

love Debbie or maybe it's hard for

me to get off in a place that smells

like egg salad. I'm not sure.

INT. HOTEL SUITE

Rick and O'Neill enter the suite. No one is there.

RICK:

Where the hell is everybody?

Everyone jumps out from their hiding places. With our guys

is Gary and his team of FIVE PROSTITUTES.

GARY:

Surprise!

(gesturing to the

girls)

The team bus just pulled in.

STAN:

Hookers. It's a party!

RICK:

All right!

One of our hookers, KELLEY, gets everyone's attention.

KELLEY:

Who's first, guys?

Everyone acts as if they're in grade school. They raise their

hands; they come on like kids trying to get the teacher's

attention.

GUYS:

Oh, me... me... me!

O'NEILL

Wait. The guest of honor should be

first.

RICK:

Nah, that's okay. My brother has to

look up old people's asses all day

long. Let's give him a break.

STAN:

Right. Give me the will to live. Let

me go first.

O'NEILL

A moving plea. Okay, Doc, you lead

off. I'll screw clean up.

Everyone cheers Stan's good fortune. Kelley takes Stan by

the hand and leads him into the bedroom. Gary turns on a

record and everyone starts dancing. Larry is laying out drugs

on a table. They consist of lines of coke and various happy

time pills of all colors and shapes. Rick takes a look at

the layout.

RICK:

How thoughtful. A drug smorgasbord.

ANOTHER ANGLE:

Chulo enters. He sees the party has taken off.

CHULO:

I have returned!

He spots a sweet-faced young hooker, LAVERNE. She is prancing

around in her bra and underwear. Chulo wants her.

CHULO:

(continuing; points

to her)

You! Mine!

Laverne is frightened of Chulo. Mainly because he's coming

at her like a sex-starved buffalo. Chulo goes after her.

Scared, she runs around the room, then out the door. Chulo

gives chase.

RICK:

(to O'Neill)

Chulo's got such a nice, light touch

with women.

INT. HOTEL CORRIDOR

Laverne runs down the hall, closely pursued by Chulo. An all-

female NEW WAVE BAND comes to the door. O'Neill greets them.

O'NEILL

Terrific. You made it... You can set

up over there...

As they enter we go to --

INT. CORRIDOR

Chulo is on the heels of Laverne. She bursts through a door

to excape him.

INT. STAGE

Laverne finds herself on the stage of a beauty pageant, still

in her bra and panties. FIVE other LADIES are dressed in

their bathing suits. Chulo stops short of running on stage.

Laverne, seeking the safety of the moment, stands in line

with the contestants.

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