Bachelorette Page #4

to a strip club...

Becky's not here.

She's not here. Okay?

And nobody blames the

dude with the blindfold,

so relax.

I am also not really into this.

Yeah, you weren't blindfolded,

so that's hard to believe.

Where's your mascot?

Sick. She's dead.

Is that what we call Kate where is Katie?

She is dead. Sick.

Would you ladies be interested

in joining our little soiree?

That was not part

of the deal, Trevor.

No, because we gave up

strip clubs for lent, so...

And we have

bridesmaid's duties...

In the middle of the night?

That's interesting.

All right. Let's go.

Limo's waiting.

I'll text you.

Please don't.

Um, if you guys

do see Katie though,

let her know that I have pot,

'cause we had talked

about it at the thing,

but there were adults...

Your limo's waiting.

Oh hey, Clyde...

I just wanted to tell you that

if you strike out

with the pros,

you know you can

always call me, right?

Right.

Well... I deleted your number.

Right.

That's impressive.

In the middle of

all this chaos,

you had time for a crotch rub?

Paid off, though!

Ba-bam!

Oh, my god!

You guys?

I know I'm on

drugs, but I swear,

that room you

just pushed me into?

It was moving.

#we don't need not

wookie tokie#

Objectifying?

We're paying their rent!

I feel like I'm

travelling backwards.

Can I take the blindfold off?

Joe's never...

you've never been

to a strip club, have you?

Have I been to a strip club?

Yes.

You have.

Joe's never been

to a strip club.

I have been.

Hence why I know

that for a fact,

once you get in there.

You never know what

exactly to do.

It's weird getting a lap dance

in front of other people.

Oh, my god.

There's no reason

to get outraged

and use words like "hence."

I'm with Joe on this one.

Oh. Dale,

I will not let you kill fun

on your own bachelor party.

This is like negative fun.

You don't get it.

When you meet the right girl,

you don't do anything

to screw it up.

You're adorable.

Uh, I beg to differ.

I met the right girl, I did

everything to screw it up.

So why don't you

do something about it?

Like apologize?

Well, never got the chance.

Oh, I smell a new profile pic.

You know what I want to smell?

I want to smell

that burning bush

I want to smell that

f***ing red snapper,

what's her name?

Is he talking

about Katie again?

Katie'd be like shooting

a helpless animal.

Exactly.

Guys... Joe has a decade-long

hard-on for the prom

queen, so take it easy.

Oh, what about

the maid of honor?

I'll take her down, then.

Mm... It's not a good idea.

Why, what do you mean?

So you know how there are

like serial killers,

and then there's

Hannibal Lector?

Yeah?

There are girls,

and there's Regan.

Hide it.

Hide it in the bag.

After tonight, no more coke.

None. No more coke.

I'm having like one of those

moments of clarity right now.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah.

Where is this

Melissa chick, Regan?

I'm calling her.

I've got it

under control, okay?

Go back to your

little intervention.

It's not an intervention.

We're gonna get a dress.

A whole new dress!

What are you talking about?

Why don't we

fix this dreThat's a great idea!

Hey, Melissa!

Hi.

Yeah, we're out... we're just

outside the bridal shop.

Melissa!

Melissa!

Hello.

Oh, look. Look.

It's the maid of honor from hell

that has landed on my doorstep.

No, I'd much rather

be here with you

and your skanky friends

than maybe getting

touched by my husband

Thanks. I can't wait.

Chill out.

You're beautiful.

Okay. You're being nice,

and it's scaring me. Stop.

What do you need?

Well, our lovely bride decided

she didn't want

to wear her dress.

I'm sorry.

I was just in my brain,

and I was just

really hurting you.

What did you just say?

Ba-bam!

If I am still working in retail

by the time I'm 40,

I will kill myself.

I know you guys think I'm

joking, but I'm not.

I will take a shotgun,

and I will blow...

Woman... chillax.

my... head off.

Please.

Seriously, you guys.

Okay.

All right.

Fun, fun, fun.

Oh!

This is all I have,

and it's still a

size too small.

Is this pretty?

Or is it ugly?

It's gorgeous.

It's the dress you wanted

to get married in, ever since

you were a little girl

I mean, it would look

so much better on you,

but it's gorgeous!

Everyone wants this cut.

I mean, not in this size,

obviously.

But this is so popular.

Everybody wants it.

No.

Okay, we want it. Yeah.

WrapNo. up!

Wrap it up. Hang it up.

Pigface!

No!

Over my dead body.

Regan!

Bee!

What the f***?

Come on, that was our solution!

This is the problem... Becky

can't wear that dress!

Becky can't wear that dress.

What? Okay, listen to me.

This is clearly like some girl

sh*t that I don't understand,

so may I just be very,

very diplomatic

and say let it f***ing go?

No!

I'm not gonna

watch Becky Archer

walk down the aisle

in my dream dress.

I'd rather lick this sidewalk.

Great!

Lick the sidewalk,

then, please.

I'm gonna lick it, too.

Don't be ridiculous.

You don't lick the sidewalk.

You lick the sidewalk,

I'll let it go.

A little lick.

Like a cat lick.

Like a cat lick.

Ugh.

Be encouraging.

I'm mentally preparing myself.

Just do it fast, please.

Like you're ripping

off a Band-Aid

Like anal sex.

Becky can't wear that dress.

A-a biased cut would

look awful on her.

It utilizes the

stretch of the fabric

in a diagonal direction,

accentuating body lines.

It would fit her like a silk

stuffed sausage casing.

Rain man?

How did you know all

that stuff, just now?

I spent a semester at F.I.T.

- Katie? Katie?

- Yes?

Do you know how to sew things?

Oh.

Of course I know how to sew.

Oh. Okay.

Are you ready to Betsy Ross

- the sh*t out of this dress?

- Yes.

Good.

This tastes like gasoline.

Good.

'Cause you love

the smell of gasoline.

It's perfect.

We should get some magic

markers while we're here!

Oh, wait.

I know a guy who can

get us marijuana.

Ted.

Joe.

You should throw

that guy a bone.

Who, Ted?

Joe!

I bet he's super good in bed.

What?

Yeah.

Why would you say that?

Have you ever f***ed a guy

who like never got

laid in high school?

But how would I know that?

Oh, 'cause they're just

really good at it.

They're really good at sex,

'cause they had to wait

for it for so long.

It's like a total

Krakow situation.

Krakow?

Brian Krakow, from

My So Called Life.

Come on.

Okay, listen to me.

There are two different

types of guys in bed.

Mm-hmm.

Number one, Brian Krakow.

Didn't have sex 'til

college, super grateful.

Literally makes

a home down here,

sets up shop, wants

to live in it.

Number two, Jordan Catalano.

Won't go near the area.

Terrified of it.

Very good looking, but you

know, not worth the time.

If you ask me-...

What are you doing?

Why do you have the baby

out of the garbage bag?

I'm matching the thread

color to the dress.

Uh, it's a wedding dress.

I think maybe it's white.

Oh, actually...it's ivory.

Actually, it's pearl.

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