Bad Ass 3: Bad Asses on the Bayou Page #5

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the address and your car keys.

Just take 'em! (GROANING)

MAN:
I'll check her room!

Do you mind,

you Peeping Tom motherf***er?

- This here door wouldn't...

- Just back that ass up outta here.

(EXHALES)

Get me Harris.

FEMALE VOICE:

Please enter your destination.

I guess fat guys with big beards

also have nice trucks. (LAUGHS)

I don't know how to get back.

What?

I pressed in the wrong address...

and I don't know how to

go back and delete it.

- Try pressing "delete."

- Where's "delete"?

(SIGHS) On the keyboard.

(SIREN WAILING)

There, no need. We've got some help.

(WAILING CONTINUES)

(PA SPEAKER:
HONKING)

Whew. Hey.

Thank goodness, fellas.

We had no idea where we were going.

Freeze and put your hands

over your head!

- Hold on. What's going on...

- Shut your mouth and put your hands in the air!

Well, well, well.

Fancy meeting you fellas out here...

in the middle of nowhere.

I gotta tell you...

it ain't the safest place

for out-of-towners like you.

You lowlife son of a b*tch.

- (GROANS)

- Try.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(GRUNTING)

What happened?

Turns out they weren't willing

to help with directions.

(BROUSSARD CHUCKLING)

Well, rise and shine, Mr. Vega.

Where you taking us?

It's a surprise.

But I can tell you this much...

The view is something special.

(LAUGHING)

I been goin' on and on, tryin' to get you

boys not to get involved...

but you wouldn't listen.

Now... it's time to pay the price.

Look, homey...

we're gonna give you

one last chance to redeem yourself.

Yeah.

You let us go, and we won't kill you

when this is all over.

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

What you been smokin', brah?

The jig is up.

Y'all lose.

You're never gonna get away with it.

I'm the police chief.

I'm the sh*t around here.

Here we go, gentlemen.

I'm about to find y'all

a nice little piece of private swampland...

to drop y'all into.

I wish you two a bon voyage.

(BROUSSARD CHUCKLING)

C'est la vie.

(RINGING)

- Hello?

- MAN:
Reynolds Oil Refinery.

East gate. 6:
00.

Your wife brings the money. Alone.

We see anyone else there,

your daughter dies.

Now hang on one second.

- (LINE CLICKS, DIAL TONE)

- Hello?

Hello!

Uh, excuse me.

I'm lookin' for Chief Broussard.

He said he'd be back in 20 minutes.

I'll wait.

Any of you boys wanna play canasta?

We... We could use a third.

I don't know how the hell

we gon' get outta this.

It don't look like they're

passing out any parachutes.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah...

(GASPING, GROANING)

(SHOUTS) Son of a b*tch!

- (GROANS LOUDLY)

- Bernie, you all right?

- This is real bad!

- He needs some help, man!

(GROANING CONTINUES)

He had a liver transplant

and his body's rejecting it!

If we don't hold him down,

he'll choke on his tongue!

(GROANS) Son of a...

- Come on now! We need some help!

- (GROANING CONTINUES)

(GUNSHOTS CONTINUE)

Night-night, homey.

Well, that's great.

You know how to fly one of these things?

FRANK:
Come on. I've seen Top Gun

a hundred times.

We need to figure out

how we gonna land this baby.

See if there's an instruction manual

in the glove compartment.

Glove compartment? Mexican, this ain't

your daddy's Eldorado! Sh*t!

You know what?

This looks like somethin'.

Hey, hey! Jesus Christ, Vega! You just can't

start blindly pulling on sh*t!

(CHUCKLING)

Goddamn! (LAUGHS)

- My boy knows how to fly a plane!

- (CHUCKLES)

Okay, now. I think we need

to slow it up a bit. Okay?

That's the part I'm not too sure about.

- That sh*t ain't workin', man!

- I'm trying everything!

Try harder! That sh*t ain't working!

- (BOTH YELLING)

- BERNIE:
Slow down!

(GRUNTING)

(SHOUTING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

BOTH:
Oh, crap!

BOTH:
Oh, sh*t!

No wonder your ass is taking the bus.

You can't drive anything worth sh*t!

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING CONTINUES)

(CHUCKLES)

Thank you for flying Mexican Airlines.

There's no reception.

- Where the hell you going?

- I'm going to get help.

Out in the middle of nowhere?

We're probably 50 miles away

from anything, man. I ain't walking.

- Well, then stay here.

- You kidding?

What about all these damn gators and

werewolves and all that sh*t?

All right, hold on.

(SIGHS) Bernie, look, I ain't

got time for this sh*t.

Now you're either coming or staying.

But you can't have it both ways.

(RUSTLING)

What the hell is that?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(HORNS HONKING)

Damn.

Don't matter if you're in LA

or Baton Rouge.

Everybody has goddamn rush hour traffic.

What the hell are we supposed to do now?

Use the shoulder, homey.

Security's tighter

than the Ugandan Consulate.

How the hell are we gon' get in?

Why you always gotta be

sweating everything? We got this.

Yeah.

What the hell you boys

think you're doin'?

Uh, lost a contact lens.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's see.

Ah! Here it is.

(LAUGHING) Found it.

- Oh, good.

- You got that?

Uh-huh. Got it.

- Yeah.

- I guess we'll be going.

Freeze, a**holes.

I know you.

You're those two old f***ers.

- Yeah.

- That's us.

Oh, sh*t!

Man, you old geezers are bad-ass!

- Thanks, man.

- Appreciate that.

- Yeah.

- We all real big fans.

(CHUCKLING) All right.

Unfortunately,

I'm still gonna have to kill y'all.

- Excuse me?

- What?

You boys been trespassing.

Trespassing's grounds for shooting.

Now look, there's no reason

to shoot two old guys.

Sorry, brahs. Just doing my job.

(RIFLE C*CKS)

(GROANS)

Lights out, ho.

What about diplomacy, Earl?

Screw diplomacy.

Now let's go get my daughter.

Any ideas?

That one.

(CHUCKLING)

(LOUD CLANK)

How the hell we supposed

to know where she is?

Something tells me we've found her.

Any suggestions?

- Not one.

- (SIGHS)

- (GUNSHOTS)

- (MEN GROANING)

MAN:
(IN DISTANCE) Get down there!

Let's go.

- Damn, Earl.

- (GUNSHOT)

Well, hell, it's about damn time.

You know how he likes

to make an entrance.

Daddy! What are you doin' here?

What do you think? You okay?

Okay, we gotta get outta here. Now!

You're gonna need this.

Let's go get those motherfuckers.

MAN:
(RAPPING) In time of war

My front line

I'm in fatigues

Let 'em know that it's go time

Never fall back

Don't fall behind

Never be blind

Read between the lines

Never testify

Never suicide

Never dislike

Never show your cries

100 by here

Do it on the fly

We ain't perfect either,

but Lord knows we try

Take actions, reactions

Ain't no right

Gotta come out blazin'

in the heat of the night

Be ready to ball

or be ready to fall

You be best careful

what you askin' for

When it rains, it pours

Kill the source at the core

Suited up in fatigues

'cause we ready for war

If you ain't ready for war

you won't be ready for more

You best be careful

what you asking for

When it rains, it pours

Kill the source at the core

Suited up in fatigues

'cause I'm ready for war

And then the nation

drawin' forces like a congregation

Ain't no way you're holding back

to the day you make it

Always gotta try and prove yourself

Demonstration

Try to cut 'em up real quick

like a Haitian

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