Bananas Page #5

Underwear will be worn on the outside

so we can check.

Furthermore,

all children under 16 years old

are now 16 years old.

What's the Spanish word

for ''straitjacket''?

The power has driven him mad.

We must have a new leader.

Another must represent

the revolution immediately.

Who?

Someone willing to put his life in peril

and willing to carry on

against all the terrible hazards

that await us.

l know you're gonna find the guy.

Excuse me. l was due at my mother's

house for dinner eight months ago.

- l'm going home.

- No. The revolution will fail.

- Why me?

- Because the men respect you.

You always loved our cause.

Besides, compared to these men,

you are educated.

What is this with my education?

l had two days of college.

l need three years and 363 days

to get a degree.

This is a country of peasants.

At least you can read.

l don't want to be president.

You're making a big mistake.

You gotta be smart to be a president.

Let me be vice-president.

That's a real idiot's job.

You're looking at me

in a strange way, fellas. Look, l...

l'm gonna be president, right?

The Americans won't recognise us -

they think we're communists.

The communists won't recognise us -

they think we're American puppets.

The one person who recognises us

was arrested on a morals charge.

- We need money.

- What is the chief export of San Marcos?

- Dysentery.

- We grow bananas.

Bananas, bananas.

lf l could only think of a way

to convince the US to give us money.

Get me Sanchez.

l don't know, my friend.

Without it, the revolution will fail.

Thousands will have died in vain and

soon a new dictator will seize power.

- Hello?

- lt's me.

l'm perturbed over

the economic situation.

You must go to the United States.

You must convince them.

- They will listen to you.

- Me?

- You're the president.

- Here l'm president.

- Over there l'm a college dropout.

- But they don't know.

After all, Fielding Mellish is dead.

l can't hear you.

l think we have a bad connection.

Hang up. l will call you back.

l actually think l probably could go

to the United States and fake it.

l know you can do it, Fielding.

l'll bet that l could.

l am Mr Hernandez,

the official interpreter.

- Welcome to the United States.

- Welcome to United States.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Did you have a good flight?

- Did you have a good flight?

- Yes, l did.

- Yes, l did.

- We hope your stay in our country

- We hope your stay in our country

- will be delightful.

- will be delightful.

- l am looking forward to it

- l am looking forward to it

- with great anticipation.

- with great anticipation.

l'm Bill Simmons.

This is Tom Sloan. FBl.

We're here to see

that your safety is ensured.

We'll act as your shield

in the event of trouble.

We missed him. We get most of them.

What am l appearing

at a fundraising dinner for?

l know nothing about public speaking.

All you have to do is open up

with a joke, a funny story.

Once you have them laughing,

then you hit them for money. Simple.

Very simple. Open with a funny story,

then hit 'em for money.

l'm... l'm reminded tonight of the...

of the farmer who had

incestuous relations with both

his daughters simultaneously...

lt's the... lt's... lt's the...

lt's the... wrong crowd for this joke.

Although the United States

is a very rich country

and San Marcos is a very poor one,

there are a great many things

we have to offer your country

in return for aid.

For instance, there are locusts.

We... We have more locusts than...

Locusts of all races and creeds...

These locusts, incidentally,

are available at popular prices.

So, by the way,

are most of the women of San Marcos.

Now, then, despite

the tiny size of our nation,

few people realise

that we lead the world in hernias.

They also fail to realise that before

Columbus discovered your country,

he stopped in San Marcos

and contracted a disease

which can today be cured

with one shot of penicillin.

- lt's the same person, all right.

- This all smacks of conspiracy.

You realise what a communist missile

base in San Marcos would do to us?

Plus he has a history of subversive acts,

demonstrations, and peace marches.

This man is attempting the overthrow

of the United States government.

All right, let's pick him up...

and throw the book at him.

We'll make an example of this... hepcat.

Hi. l hope l'm not being pushy,

but l have always wanted to meet you.

l... l don't mean to bother you,

but l think that you are terrific.

Really terrific. Me and my friends have

backed you from the very beginning

of this career of yours.

And l... We... l... l'm awestruck.

l really don't know what to say.

You know, it's very funny, but you

remind me of somebody l once knew.

A boy. He... He was really...

No, he was really nothing like you.

l mean, you're terrific.

He was just this little stupid clown.

Just... l don't know

why l even mentioned it, but...

He was... He was... He was an idiot.

You know, a real idiot and...

Would you... Would you mind

if l kissed you... once?

Could l... kiss you once?

That was wonderful. lt was

practically a religious experience.

- l have a confession to make.

- What, love?

l'm Fielding Mellish.

My God.

l knew something was missing.

Good evening.

l'm Roger Grimsby with the news at six.

Top stories - the government

brings charges against Fielding Mellish

as a subversive imposter.

New York garbage men are striking

for a better class of garbage.

The National Rifle Association

declares death a good thing.

Details on these

and other stories in a moment.

Fielding Mellish, the President of

San Marcos, goes on trial for fraud,

inciting to riot, conspiracy

to overthrow the government

and using the word ''thighs''

in mixed company.

Please rise. Court is now in session.

Judge Seymour Watson presiding.

The People versus Fielding Mellish.

l object, Your Honour.

This trial is a travesty.

lt's a travesty of a mockery

of a sham of a mockery

of two mockeries of a sham.

l move for a mistrial. There's not

a single homosexual on that jury.

- Yes, there is.

- Really? Which one?

ls it the big guy at the end?

Call the first witness.

- And you remember Fielding Mellish?

- He's got a record.

He was always being picked up

at one demonstration or another.

He's a bad apple, a commie.

A New York Jewish intellectual

communist crackpot.

l mean, l don't wanna cast no aspersions.

Your witness.

Officer Dowd, have you ever had

sexual relations with a girl

with really big breasts?

Yes, sir. l did.

- And how did you find it?

- Very erotic.

l was... l was just checking.

Swear to tell the truth, the whole

truth and nothing but the truth?

l do.

- Name?

- J Edgar Hoover.

- Occupation?

- Head of the FBl.

Tell the court

why you're dressed like this.

l have many enemies and l rarely

go out unless l'm in disguise.

Mr Hoover, in your opinion,

is Fielding Mellish a threat

to the security of the United States?

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