Barefoot in the Park Page #4

In an office?

Yes.

Good. I work at home

during the day.

I predict interesting

complications.

Am I making you

nervous?

Very nervous.

Ha! Wonderful.

Once a month

I try to make

pretty young girls nervous

just to keep my ego

from going out.

I'll save you

a lot of anguish.

I'm 6...

I'm 58 years old

and a thoroughly

nice fellow.

Well, I'm glad

to hear that.

I wish I were

10 years older.

Older?

Dirty old men seem to get away

with a lot more.

I'm still

at the awkward age.

When do I get

invited down for dinner?

Dinner? We'd love to have you

for dinner

as soon as we

get set up.

With newlyweds,

I could starve to death.

Shall we say

next Tuesday night?

Tuesday night?

No, my mother's...

Tuesday night's

fine.

It's a date.

I'll bring the wine.

You can pay me

when I get here.

You're invited to my cocktail party

tomorrow night, 10:00.

You do drink, don't you?

Yes, of course.

Good. Bring liquor.

Until tomorrow.

If we don't

freeze first.

You don't know

about the plumbing, do you?

Everything in this museum

works backwards.

For example, on the steam,

it says turn right,

so you turn left.

Except I can't reach it.

Will you help me up,

please?

With the greatest

of physical pleasure.

1, 2, 3, up.

Corie, was there anyone...

We were just warming up

the apartment.

Uh, Paul...

Whoo!

This is Mr. Velasco

from upstairs.

He was just telling me

that all our plumbing

works backwards.

That's right.

An important thing

to remember is

you have to flush up.

Until tomorrow night.

What's tomorrow night?

Where's he going?

Don't forget Tuesday.

What's he doing

in the bedroom?

That nut went out

the window.

Hello.

Hello, Mother?

It's me.

Did you hear

what I said?

Nothing's wrong.

I just want to confirm

our Tuesday night dinner date.

At 2:
00

in the morning?

I want to be sure

you'll come.

At 2:
00

in the morning?

And, Mother, wear something

gay and frivolous.

Buy a new dress.

At 2:
00

in the morning?

I'll call you

tomorrow. Bye.

Who you waving at?

Him.

I decided to meet you here

every day.

It takes you so long

to climb the stairs,

and I can't wait for you.

The bus driver will think

you're my mother.

Have you

an Aunt Fern?

She sent us

a check today.

Boy, do you have

a cheap Aunt Fern.

I'll write

and tell her.

Your mother called

from Philly.

She and your father

are coming up,

and your sister has

a new boyfriend from Rutgers.

He has acne, and

they all hate him,

including

your sister.

Did you miss me

today?

No.

Why not?

You called eight times.

I don't talk to you

that much when I'm home.

Grouch. How'd it go

in court today?

Gump or Birnbaum?

Birnbaum.

You won? Oh, Paul!

Oh, I'm so proud.

Aren't you happy?

We were awarded

6 cents.

You have to be

awarded something,

so the court made it

6 cents.

How much do you get?

Birnbaum gets

the whole 6 cents.

From here on in,

I get the cases that come in

for a dime or under.

Grouch,

grouch, grouch.

You weren't that grouchy

under the covers.

Do you have to carry on a personal

conversation with me on the stairs?

What's wrong with it?

Everybody knows

the intimate details of your life.

I ring the bell, and suddenly

we're on the air.

I better make you

a drink.

You're supposed to be

charming tonight.

This little dinner

you have planned for tonight

has got fiasco

written all over it.

Maybe they have

a lot in common.

Are you kidding?

Your mother?

That quiet, dainty

little woman from New Jersey

and the Count

of Monte Cristo?

You must be kidding.

Why?

You've seen

his apartment.

He wears Japanese kimonos

and sleeps on rugs.

Your mother wears a hair net

and sleeps on a board.

Boof.

Maybe we could help her.

We don't have

to introduce her

as my dull, 52-year-old,

housewife mother.

That wasn't the exact wording

I had planned.

What did you have

in mind?

Something more glamorous.

Former actress.

You know, of course,

that she was in

The Man

Who Came To Dinner.

Your mother? Where?

The East Orange Women's Club?

On Broadway. She was in

the original company

of Strange Interlude,

and she had

a small singing part

in Knickerbocker Holiday.

Are you serious?

Cross my heart.

Your mother an actress?

Yeah.

You never told me this.

Why didn't you

ever tell me?

I didn't think

you'd be interested.

That's fascinating.

I can't get over that.

See?

Now you're interested.

It's a lie.

Every bit of it.

I'm going to control

myself.

Hello, Mom.

Are you

all right?

Paul...

Yes, Mom.

In my handbag...

are some pink pills.

Pink pills? Right.

I'll be all right.

I'm a little out of breath.

I'll get you

something to drink.

I had to park

three blocks away.

It started to rain, so I ran

the last two blocks.

Then my heel got caught in

the subway grating.

When I pulled my foot out,

I stepped in a puddle.

Then a cab went by and

splashed my stockings.

If the hardware

store downstairs was open,

I was going to buy a knife

and kill myself.

Drink this.

Here's your pill,

Mom.

A martini

to wash down a pill.

It'll make you

feel better.

A martini I had at

home made me sick.

That's what

the pill's for.

Let me help you

inside.

You need food. I'll get you

an hors d'oeuvre.

No, thanks.

It's just sour cream

and blue cheese.

I wish you hadn't

said that.

Like to lie down?

No, thanks, dear.

I can't lie down without my board.

Right now, all I want to do is

see the apartment.

Well, then...

help you up.

Up.

Corie.

Corie!

Do you like it?

Like it?

Tsk.

It's magnificent.

Oh...

Oh. And you did it all

by yourself.

Mr. Velasco gave me

some ideas.

- Who?

- Our decorator.

He comes in through the window

once a week.

Oh, the man

that lives upstairs.

Oh, you've heard

about him, eh?

Yes. Corie had me on the phone for

two hours yesterday.

Did you know he's been married

four times?

Yes. If I were you,

I'd sleep with a gun.

Mother...

See, we did

get the bed in.

Yes. Just fits,

doesn't it?

Just. We have to

turn in unison.

Well, I must admit,

I never expected

anything like this.

Can't wait to see

the expression

on your parents'

faces tonight, Paul.

I beg your...

my what?

Your mother

and father.

We're dining

with them tonight.

Isn't that what

you said, Corie?

Is that what

you told her?

If I said you had a blind date

with Mr. Velasco,

I couldn't have blasted you

out of the house.

Blind date

with Mr. Velas...

The man that

lives upst...

Good God.

What's all the panic,

Mother?

He's just a man.

My accountant

is just a man.

You make him sound like

Douglas Fairbanks.

He looks nothing

like Douglas Fairbanks, does he, Paul?

No. He just

jumps like him.

Come on. You're going to have

a marvelous evening.

Come on where?

To Mr. Velasco's

for cocktails.

I'm not even dressed.

You look fine.

For Paul's parents

I just wanted to look clean.

He'll think

I'm a nurse.

He'll think you're very

interesting.

How's my hair?

Fine. Push it up

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