Barely Lethal Page #3

my door tonight if I were you.

- Sweet answer, weirdo.

- And anyone else?

Whatever that was,

but minus the serial killer part of it.

Move.

Go, team, go!

What are you doing? Who sent you?

- I surrender! I surrender!

- Who are you?

I'm Leonard Steinman.

I'm a sophomore at Lincoln.

Just wanted to hold

the mascot ransom. It's tradition.

- Kidnapping is a high school tradition?

- Yeah.

High school tradition.

Not the face, not the face.

Sweet moves, Canada.

Hey, Megan. Hey.

You all right?

Really lost your head out there.

I got to go.

I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

- There he is.

- Yup.

- How we doing, sport?

- Good.

All right. Who... who's the girl there?

- She's just a new student.

- Yeah, all right.

- But you think she's cute, right?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, she's really cute.

What do you call 'em, like, a hottie?

Is that... what do you... is it a...

A hottie biscotti? No.

- You just say, like, "oh, she's hot."

- Yeah, yeah. Just like a babe.

- Yeah.

- Or you say, like, a b*tch?

- Like, "hey, look at this b*tch."

- No, I wouldn't... I wouldn't say that.

- That's so rude.

- Yeah, sorry about that.

- Can we just go home?

- Yep.

But, you know, your old man is here to talk

if you want to talk about anything at all.

- Yeah, I know.

- Okay.

Like sex or... intercourse, or...

- Let's go, Dad.

- Let's go.

Oh, come on, 83, think.

Fall back on your training.

Stick to the profile.

This profile's all wrong!

- What's going on, honey?

- All this Intel, it's wrong.

I can never show my face again.

I've got it all wrong, all wrong.

It's everything, I...

It's like I'm suffocating.

Simulated drowning, that, I can...

that, I can deal with.

Just... this stuff is so much worse.

I can't... I can't do it. I can't take

another second of it. It's just... it's...

It's high school. That's all it is.

Hey, look. Come here.

You know...

Some thrive, and it's

the best years of their lives.

Others...

Others spend four years being mocked

for wearing a thick black ribbon

in their hair like Madonna

in the "Lucky" star video.

- What?

- Oh, Google it.

But we suffer through it,

not because we're being strong

or staying true to our personal style,

but because taking that ribbon off

would mean revealing to those bastards

the tiny bald spot we were hiding

in the first place.

Hypothetically.

Look, what you're feeling is normal.

High school is a conflicting time.

Okay.

Parental advice terminated.

Bring it in. Give me a hug. Okay.

Stop. I had it taken care of years ago.

- I hope you've enjoyed our hospitality.

- It's all right.

All you got to do is give me

the name of your supplier.

I'll see to it you rot here in dignity.

Showers once a week.

That "L Word" box set.

- French toast on Sundays.

- That's really nice of you.

We both know everybody talks.

We also both know

that I'm not just anybody...

am I, Dumbledore?

If you played your cards right,

we might even let you come back

and play for the good guys.

The good guys?

- You destroy lives.

- Only those that need to be destroyed.

I'm not talking about the targets.

Sir, I have something

you need to... but, sir...

She's cute.

Last chance to talk.

Fine.

- Don't go anywhere.

- Yeah, I'll be right here.

You know what I like about

the people I do business with?

They know they're a**holes.

Something funny?

You'll regret this.

She's here.

Yeah!

- What's going on?

- Is that a joke?

85,000 views since just last night.

- I'm viral?

- Like HPV.

Even rape-it Ralph is a fan.

Dude, check this out.

This guy's about to get trombonered.

Just like... right there. Damn!

She showed those d-bags from Lincoln.

Hey, this is why you don't mess

with us Vikings.

- Hell yeah!

- Regina, Regina,

Regina, Regina, Regina...

Whatever. She's gonna get

really fat in college.

I don't get it. I'm on camera

acting bat-sh*t psycho.

That's usually

what gets people trending.

No, no, no. I can't be on the Internet.

That's bad, Liz. That's really bad.

There you are.

So... we're jammin' this weekend.

Why don't you stop by?

Yeah, sure.

- Sounds nickel.

- Nickel?

- Awesome, catch you then.

- Catch you then.

Obviously not all bad.

Look, you may have

all of these people fooled,

but you and I both know that you are

sketchier than a 2:00 a.m. waffle house.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

You really shouldn't sneak up on people.

It's totally my mistake.

Okay.

- Sorry.

- Welcome.

Thanks. This place is really cool.

Got some ice.

Thank you so much.

You know, I'm not... I'm not as fragile

as my easy takedown would suggest.

You caught me off guard.

Usually I can defend myself.

- I did notice that inner buffness, I did.

- Oh, thanks.

So you're on pace to beat Emotacon's

last video release? That's pretty cool.

- Yeah, how do you turn off the Internet?

- Really?

You know, a lot of people would kill

for that kind of attention.

Yeah, I don't know. I just

prefer to stay below the radar.

Okay, so maybe you steer clear

of anymore taekwondo smackdowns?

That was actually more a mix

of krav maga and aikido.

Taewondo is what I just did on you.

But when faced

with multiple opponents, it's...

- What?

- You're weird.

Yeah, but I like it. It's cool.

Were your parents

in the military or something?

Sor... "are parents" a bad topic?

They both died when I was really young.

I was raised by a foster family.

- Sorry, I had no idea. I'm stupid.

- No, it's fine. How would you have known?

I don't know. Well, I'm sorry.

Just don't let it happen again,

or you might need more icepacks.

Oh, yeah, Lara croft?

You know what? I want a rematch.

- Do you?

- Yeah, put 'em up.

All right.

Pop. Here, hit it.

- Really? I don't want to hurt you.

- Yeah. Okay, come on.

- It hurts. It stings. I need the ice.

- Get the ice.

Rogerito... are we set up?

Yeah. Just give me one second.

I could just...

- Hey.

- Hi.

- I'm glad you could make it.

- Me too.

Do you think you could do me a favor?

- I could try.

- Yeah? Come on.

So I'm working on this new song,

but I'm just so inside of it.

I could use an honest opinion,

if you don't mind.

No.

It's pretty rough, so... be gentle.

You

In the back of my head

Oh, I can feel your face

But I can't hold it

I still believe

Smoke

At the back of my throat

Oh, I can smell your scent

But I can't hold you

And it's Saturday and I thought

So I say take me

Take me down to the water

- You're handling it pretty well.

- What's that?

The fame monster. She can be a beast.

So...

It's nice talking to someone who

understands the pressure. Thanks.

Yeah. No, that's... that's me.

Pressure understander.

You know, that guard

totally would have seen you.

- No way. I was in stealth mode.

- Stealth mode?

A compound like this

would have counter-Intel out its ears.

Motion sensors, hyperspectral imaging.

There's no way you could

just tiptoe down the hall.

A high-value target is never gonna be

vulnerable to a face-to-face takedown.

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