Barely Lethal Page #5

Well, I wouldn't say we're friends,

but you should see

the snapchats he sends me.

That is the coolest thing

I have ever heard.

Easy, tiger. Gonna mess up my hair.

Why are you even here, 84? And why

are you pretending to know a Hemsworth?

- I'm not pretending.

- Which one do you know?

- Does it matter?

- "Does it matter?"

Chill out. I'm just keeping

an eye on things... Megan.

So Hardman sent you to watch over me?

Insurance policy. If we can't

get you out, we'll force you out.

By ruining my social life?

Though it doesn't seem

like you have much of one.

Are you wearing Kesha?

Her scent is the absolute truth.

And...

It's Heather now. Kisses.

Come back here. Where are you going?

What the f*** was that?

- I'm sorry.

- I'm decent.

- Don't worry about it.

- No, it's fine. I think I'll probably...

Stay with me, Liz Larson, and talk.

- Stay and talk with me, please.

- You know my name?

Yeah, why wouldn't I know your name?

Do you want to know my name?

I know that according to the yearbook,

your interests are Donkey Kong

and Donkey Punches,

so that's enough for me.

My name is Bernard.

But Bernard has Tequila, Liz Larson,

- in this awesome flask.

- Pull back the veil.

Bernard's Tequila in this flask Tequila.

- So come, drink.

- Okay, yeah.

- Yes. Are you okay?

- Okay.

So, you heard about homecoming?

I have my eye on this one guy.

I wonder if he's here.

Yep, there he is.

Yeah, don't even think about it.

What? Worried somebody

might like me more than you?

I'm warning you.

- He's mine.

- We'll see.

- Hey.

- Hey.

So you ladies want to play

some beer pong?

- Yes.

- Hey, I'm Cash.

- Heather.

- Come on.

Hey, are you serious?

Yes.

It's all because of me and my old man.

He's just this mindless machine

that I can't even relate to anymore.

"You got to be number one.

I won't tolerate any losers in this family.

"Your intensity's for sh*t.

Win, win, win."

It's... you son of a b*tch.

Sometimes...

sometimes I wish my knee would just give

and he would forget all about me.

I'm so sorry. I mean, I had no idea...

You were such a great actor!

God, that was The Breakfast

Club monologue?

- Yeah.

- I love it.

People don't usually believe I can act,

just 'cause of the way I look.

Yeah, sure, I'm no Vera Farmiga,

but I believe I have talent.

- Tremendo talent.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

- Hey, man.

- Hey.

Knock-knock.

Look, it's Roger. Roger rabbit.

- What up?

- Come get in. Come hang. It's nice.

No, it's okay.

It does look like fun in here, though.

- That's where the fun is.

- Tubs are fun.

You guys have not seen

Megan anywhere, have you?

- Who wants to know?

- I do.

- He has a trustworthy face.

- Trustworthy?

A little bit, except for that smirk.

She's downstairs.

But... you did not hear that from me,

because I... was never here.

You guys have fun. Thank you.

- No, really, it's so much fun.

- Hey, Megan.

Do you know where...

do you know where Bernard is?

This store is, like, huge.

Who's Bernard?

He's... just, if you know...

when he calls me back,

could you just tell him

that I'm gonna be...

I'm just gonna be under this table.

Cab's here. Who's up for waffles?

- Oh, my God, let's do it.

- Hey, Megan, you in?

- I should really get her to bed.

- Yeah, I think she's already found one.

Come on, let's grab a bite.

Come on, Cash. Do you want

to hang out or bang out?

Liz, hey. Sit up for a sec.

I'm gonna go out for waffles,

but I'll bring you a short stack.

I'll be right back.

I'll bring you waffles. Okay.

Has anyone around here

told you about homecoming?

- No.

- Come on.

Yeah, okay.

This is ridiculous.

I haven't even had coffee this morning.

I wake up, and what do I come down to?

D*cks in my face.

What in that head of yours thought it was

okay to sleep at a stranger's house?

- You told me to go have fun.

- Fun, fun.

But you stumbled in here at 6:00 a.m.

With male genitalia drawn on your face.

- I made sure she was safe.

- Excuse me?

She had a pillow.

What she should have had

was a ride home.

You don't leave a friend on a couch

because you want to go have breakfast

with some silly little boy band.

We look out for each other

in this family. Got it?

Yes, ma'am.

A**holes. They used a sharpie.

You're gonna go to church

with that on your face.

Why don't you walk

right up to the pastor and say,

- "Hey, I've got a penis on my face"?

- I will.

Oh, you will? Okay, great,

let's go show it to grandma.

Step right up, gumdrop.

It's a beautiful day

in the neighborhood.

Hey, there's some gum three rows back.

You think you could get on that?

Teenage sarcasm. Have you tried

acne and eating disorders too?

Have you tried shaving? Martin Van Buren

called and wants those sideburns back.

Marty Van B. died in 1822, 14 years

before the invention of the telephone.

Now you see why I prefer

homeschooling? Sit.

- I'm pulling you out.

- What?

- No, we had a deal.

- Deal's off. Look at your screen.

Knox escaped, and she left

a really nice death threat.

How is that possible?

She had help. I lost some good people.

Don't want to lose you,

so I'm trying to get you somewhere safe.

- I'm safe here, thank you.

- You just logged on to Facebook.

- Under an alias.

- I'm taking you back.

I have an actual life here now, okay?

I'm not going back to Prescott.

And when Knox finds out where you are,

she will use your actual life

to destroy you.

No attachments, remember, 83?

I can't live like that again.

Hey, we're out here.

We're gonna be late. Come on.

If you want to go it alone,

you'll have to go 100% alone.

I won't be back.

It's just... Liz is finally acting

like a human towards me,

and I'm pretty sure

Roger's my first real friend,

and I just got asked out

by the hottest guy to homecoming.

I've never been to a homecoming, okay?

This is... I'm not going. I'm staying.

- Let me off.

- Remember, 83...

I'm not in the rescue business.

Thank you. Finally.

If Knox comes...

she better bring fire, she better

bring thunder, and she better bring hell.

Just tell her to bring it before 10:30.

I've got a curfew.

I don't know why you're so mad, all right?

I didn't pour Tequila down your throat.

I got Pablo Dicasso'd on my face. Yeah?

That's, like, the pinnacle

of high school humiliation.

- It washed off. Sort of.

- What?

Oh, my God. And the photos!

Instagram, like, owns them now.

Can we just focus

on the positive for a minute?

Cash asked me to homecoming!

If I hadn't gone with him,

he would have asked Heather.

That would have been game over.

Jesus, Ringwald! Do you never tire

of this "I'm in a teen movie" fantasy?

I don't even understand

why you're so obsessed with this guy.

Okay, he's cute and he's in a band, yay.

He also looks like the ass-baby

of Criss Angel and Russell Brand.

Hello?

Are you listening to me?

What are you staring at?

Get down!

- Switch seats with me!

- Oh, my God! What's happening?

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes