Barney Thomson Page #4

Synopsis: Barney Thomson, awkward, diffident, Glasgow barber, lives a life of desperate mediocrity and his uninteresting life is about to go from 0 to 60 in five seconds, as he enters the grotesque and comically absurd world of the serial killer.
Genre: Comedy, Crime
Director(s): Robert Carlyle
  4 wins & 5 nominations.
 
IMDB:
6.3
Metacritic:
59
UNRATED
Year:
2015
96 min
107 Views


Go on.

Go and check on

missing persons.

One, two, three!

F*** off.

Show me What you've got!

Face the front!

Tits and teeth! Teeth and tits!

One, two, three...

Hiya, Barney.

Hey, Charlie.

I'm doing my summer

job tonight.

They need two folk on it.

Aye'?

Funny, ain't it'?

Wullie Wanting you

out the window,

you saying

you wanted to kill him,

and him disappearing.

What are you saying?

- It's funny.

- What's funny?

You'll come tonight.

The fair's in town.

Roll up, roll up.

All the fun of the fair.

Step right up.

Tighten your seatbelts.

It's gonna be a bumpy ride.

Try and look as if

you're having a great time.

We're trying to

attract punters here.

See, the thing is,

I need to be chum med-up,

otherwise, I look like

one of the paedophiles.

Do we no just

look like two paedophiles'?

Ahh. Right enough.

Remember, we Went

to the circus last year?

I like fairgrounds.

I hate circuses.

Clowns should be tortured.

And as for mimes...

I'd strangle the bastards.

Uh, two hotdogs, with onions.

Barneys paying-

Listen, Charlie, come here.

I was thinking. Um...

You see, all that talk

the other day, up at yours,

it was just talk.

I know. I know. I know!

I helped you put

that bag in your car.

What'?

That was the last night

Wullie was seen, was it no'?

F*** off. W...

I didn't kill Wullie!

No. No, I know that.

I'm just saying.

And a big Coke!

Barneys paying-

Aren't you, Barney?

F*** off!

I don't even know

why I f***ing bother

hanging about with you.

Look at the state of you.

Mental bastard.

Shouldnae have said that.

Aye. That's me

away for the day, boys.

Moira's frantic about Wullie.

I'm taking her to the doctor's,

see if he can give her

something to knock her out.

I'm gonnae kick his arse

from here to f***in' doomsday.

Maybe a wee

online gambling habit

that got out of hand?

You think'?

Och, I don't know.

You could be onto

something there.

Right enough.

Wullie's mad keen

on the boxing.

Enjoys the odd flutter.

Maybe somebody's after him...

Maybe he's taken to the hills.

You know...

you may have hit on something...

Gah. What's this

about a free haircut?

Mind. Ye said.

We're about to close up.

Just get on with it.

Free haircut, eh'?

Just said to him, last Week,

I thought he could maybe

do with a wee trim.

Eh, Charlie?

That's unusually

generous of you, Barney.

I'll tell you What.

Uh, you head off. I'll lock up.

Away and see

your girlfriend, eh'?

What the hell am I

gonna do with this'?

Where's Wullie'?

On his holidays?

Could be, Charlie, could be.

Is that Why you needed my help

with that stuff on Wednesday?

Cannot think

What you're on about.

Uh, away ye go, Chris.

I thought my hands

might get burnt

by they chemicals,

but they're fine!

What chemicals?

Well...

Wullie and I did the tidy-up,

and I took the rubbish out.

Charlie helped me,

but there...

there was chemicals.

I thought you were leaving.

You couldnae lift it

by yourself, eh, Barney!

It was massive. Massive!

Just shut up, Charlie!

Look, just let me do your hair.

That's him done.

No, no, look...

He's done.

Another time, Charlie, eh'?

Thanks very much.

You mind the roads now.

So What was in

this "massive bag"

that took two

of you's to lift'?

Cut a lot of heavy hair

on Wednesday?

Well, it seemed like it.

Did you kill Wullie'?

What'?

You killed Wullie.

Didn't you'?

It was an accident.

You are so f***ed.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not bloody Well taking this

off the likes of you anyway.

You're come swanning

in here every morning,

half an hour late,

then you spend

the rest of the day

on that phone with

some stupid wee lassie.

I-lave ye ever thought who pays

for these phone calls'?

Have ye'? Eh'?

No.

You make me bloody sick.

And it was an accident.

Bastard!

Now, there was a couple of ways

this could go.

Talking Chris out of

smashing my head in

at this point seemed unlikely.

But fate stepped in once more

and booted me

right in the bails.

And there's the bell!

But no one hears it.

He turns away.

He seems doubtful, muddled...

It's all over...

Chris?

Oh, f***, not again.

- Mum!

- Oh.

Mum, wh-where are you going'?

I told you,

my trip with the girls!

They'll pick you up

from anywhere

if you give them

advance Warning.

Och, two days

of indulgent bliss.

I cannot wait.

I need your help.

Och...

Talk to me through the door.

Okay.

Well...

there's been another...

wee accident.

What? Hey?

Speak up! I cannae hear you!

What are you saying?

I cannae hear you!

Is this the queue'?

It's the ladies.

All right, Mr. Thomson?

H-How did you...

We followed you.

Just as well

we turned up when we did.

Aye'?

Yeah, well,

you was driving away

when we was coming

round the corner.

Oh, really.

It's funny how that...

I need to ask you

a few more questions

about Mr. Henderson.

Now, What can you tell me

about associates he might have.

He was a gambler.

He-he was a gambler.

That's right, yeah.

You know, he was always

going tae boxing matches

and casinos,

and that... that kind of thing.

You know, he actually owed

quite a lot of money.

Come tae think of it,

he was in a bit of trouble.

Are you going on your holidays?

Oh, no, no, that's my mum's.

There's a coach trip.

Oh.

I'm just here to make sure

she gets off safely.

Mum'?

Anyway, you got to look out

for your mum, eh'?

Yeah.

She'd do anything for me.

Oh...

Anything at all.

Hi, Mum.

I'd give it

a couple of minutes.

Thanks very much.

Ooh, ooh, pull back

there, Neddy.

Now, do you know

if Mr. Henderson had

any dealings

with a Stephen Murphy,

John Murter,

Richard Colquhoun,

or a Robert Dodds'?

Wait a minute,

that's they murdered folk.

I had absolutely f*** all

to do with that.

This is harassment!

I had absolutely nothing

to do with that,

and there's nothing you can say

to prove otherwise.

Mum! Mum!

Mum! Mum, you okay?

You all right'?

Come and have a seat.

Have a seat.

Come here.

There we are.

Are you okay?

Mum...

We can help you take her

up to the hospital if you like.

No, she's fine.

Best leave us to it, eh'?

She doesn't look fine.

Well, it happens all the time!

Just...

I'm better on my own.

You come down to the station

and make a list of all

Mr. Henderson's known associates

over the past six months.

And I want an account

of your whereabouts

for the last week.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

Mum, you okay?

Christ.

Mum, do you want an ambulance?

Just get my f***ing case.

But, Mum, see,

these others, it wasnae me.

It had nothing to do with me.

You need to believe me.

Oh, God.

Ooh!

Ha!

Oh! I'm here.

Oh, God.

Here, guess who's coming'?

Aye, just for a wee bit

of discovery, eh'?

I didn't win

a f***ing thing that night.

Mum! Mummy!

Mum! It Wasn't me.

The others

they were talking about,

I had nothing to do with that.

F*** off.

Mum, it wasnae me!

Mum!

Well. I know someday

it may be soon.

That master will call.

And when he does

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Richard Cowan

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Submitted on August 05, 2018

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