Barney Thomson Page #7

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I thought it was just Wullie.

It was Chris.

The police

are looking for Chris.

It said on the radio.

Well, that's fine.

It was nothing to do

with me, do you hear me'?

I didnae kill Wullie,

I didnae kill Chris,

and don't you go telling

the f***ing police

any different, you hear me'?

Okay, Barney, okay.

I won't go to the police.

F***ing dare you.

You f***ing bastard!

What'?

I'm sitting here begging you,

and that's all

you can say to me'?

- I didn't!

- You bastard.

Don't you f***ing dare!

Don't f***ing dare,

you hear me'?

You're a f***ing mental bastard.

Mental f***ing bastard!

Mental bastard!

Jesus Christ.

Jesus Christ.

Yeah, well, business

is picking up

now you're

a celebrity, Barney, huh'?

Says here that Chris

might have went

to the Netherlands.

They'll never catch him.

Not a chance.

I'm away for the barbers'

college tomorrow.

Should have a couple

more staff by Monday.

I'll make you head barber.

Oh, right.

Well, thanks, James.

Thanks very much.

Bloody reporters.

No, I'll get it.

Henderson's.

Barney Thomson?

Aye.

Maybe you'd better check on

that body you've dumped.

Who is this'?

Who... Who is this'?

Here we go.

Tell me the mother's

name again.

Cemolina.

That's the most

ridiculous name I've ever heard.

She'd been running

a lonely hearts ad.

I checked the P.O. box, right'?

Several replies.

So that's how the f***er

picked his victims.

Yeah, you were right, sir.

She was the one

posting the limbs

out on the coach tours.

All the dates, they all match.

What mothers will do

for their sons.

Yeah.

Come on.

- Don't lose him.

- Yeah.

Barney Thomson.

I'm arresting you

for the murder

of your colleagues,

Chris Porter

and Wullie Henderson.

And six other men

from the Glasgow area.

Well, it's a wee bit

more complicated than that.

Is this where you dumped

the body of Chris Porter'?

Well, I...

What did you

come back here for'?

The phone call.

The phone call'?

We phoned him.

Holdall.

Great, you're just in time

to watch me make the arrest.

The f*** are you doing here'?

I could ask you

the same question.

We were tipped off

by Thomson's pal,

Charlie Taylor.

Great wee pal you've got

there, by the way.

F***er.

Just kept tabs

on him, and here we are.

You know, it just

confirmed my belief

that Thomson

was our man all along.

Yeah, bollocks.

I solved this case.

Where the f*** were you'?

Playing with your fanny?

It was a double bluff.

I just wanted to let Thomson

off the hook

so he'd make a mistake,

relax a wee bit,

you know, f*** up'?

'Course you came along

and nearly screwed

the whole thing up.

DI Fuckwit and DS Debbie McGee.

The only reason he's here

is 'cause we tricked him

into checking on the body.

Hey, I'll remember you

when they promote me

to Chief Superintendent.

Maybe We'll let

you and your monkey

do the security

at some third division

football matches.

Be my guest.

What do you want, monkey?

Fucks sake.

Whoa!

Guns. Well, I'm impressed.

Ain't you, MacPherson?

Oh, absolutely, sir.

Arrest this pair of bastards.

Oh, f***...

What are you doing with guns'?

What are you doing with guns'?

We're on the trail

of a suspected killer.

Of course We've got

f***ing guns.

Where did you get yours from'?

I signed them out.

Oh, not without

my authorization.

Excuse me, can I just-

Okay.

Okay...

What form did you sign'?

Uh, blue D 14.

Ha! You should have used

the new pink D 13!

Well, nobody said anything

to me about a pink D 13.

Oh, well, you obviously

didn't see the red C 24.

Red?

Add "incorrect form filling"

to the list of charges.

This is f***ing ridiculous.

We're all supposed to be

on the same side here.

All right, give us the guns,

and I'll forget about

the assault charge.

Yeah? Well, what about

the arrest report?

Did you mention Barney Thomson

to anybody else'?

No. I just signed the guns out

for personal protection.

Same here.

Didn't want McManaman

telling you our plan.

All right, We'll forget

about the arrest report.

You just be thankful

you're not going

to f***ing jail!

Thankful? I gave you

the f***ing suspect, you tosser!

Do you know what?

I've f***ing changed my mind.

You're so f***ing

shafted, Holdall!

Just give me the gun!

I'll give you the f***ing gun!

Oh, big man, is it'?

Yeah.

You havenae the f***ing balls!

I'll f***ing blow

your f***ing head off.

Oh!

MacPherson!

This is all your fault.

You're a f***ing maniac!

Ah...

Sh*t!

I didn't mean it!

F*** you.

You thought all your birthdays

had come at once?

Well, forget it.

You are so f***ed.

See, I'm out of this.

You did it.

You know what I am'?

I'm a f***ing hero.

I solved the crime.

I brought down

the master criminal.

No. No, no, no.

See, it wasnae me.

I only killed Wullie and Chris.

And they were accidents.

And that's when

I Went to my mum,

and that's when

I found out the truth.

You know, she...

These men,

they answered her ads

in the paper.

Then she shagged them,

then killed them,

and f***ing chopped them up,

and I'm the spawn of a monster.

According to the coroner,

the bodies had lain there

approximately one week.

And again. I stress.

The parties concerned

were not on police business.

Do you believe this incident

has anything to do with

the body pans killer'!?

The two cases

are completely unrelated.

Completely.

Chris Porter.

He's our body pans killer.

Just a matter of time

before we track him down.

Is there any truth

that the officers were meeting

"for some kind of

mnage--trois"?

Well...

I mean. We can't be sure

at this juncture.

But it's-it's beginning

to look that way.

All right, who's next'?

"Mnage--trois"?

But there was four of them.

Ayes.

Busy today.

Filled to the gunnels.

Cut it yourself, buddy.

It's true what they say,

there's no such thing

as bad publicity.

Thank you.

Ifs amazing

what a serial killer does

for business.

Good to be alive.

How the f***

did that happen. eh?

Look at 'em, looking at me.

They're saying.

There's that guy

who got lucky.

"Just missed being offed

by that other barber".

Celebrity for a day

before I go back

to being one of them.

Waiting for the bus.

Staring at a pigeon...

Hiya, Barney.

No chance.

Barney?

Hi, Charlie.

A fresh start, eh'?

Fresh start.

Thanks, Barney.

I'll tell you who I am.

That top chair is mine now.

I'm in the window,

looking back at all of you.

If you're passing, drop in.

We're busy. Mind.

Everybody wants to spend

a bit of time

with Barney Thomson.

Legend.

What about that?

I feel so bad

I've got a worried mind.

I'm so lonesome all the time.

Since I left my baby behind.

On Blue Bayou...

Saving nickels Saving dimes.

Working till

the sun don't shine.

Looking forward

to happier times.

On Blue Bayou.

I'm going back someday

come what may.

To Blue Bayou.

Where you sleep all day

and the catfish play.

On Blue Bayou...

All those fishing boats.

With their sails afloat.

If I could only see...

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