Batman Returns Page #3

You mean, "mistook me."

Isn't that what I said?

I don't think so.

What happened?

Did you hurt yourself... on that ski slope?

Is that why you cut short your vacation?

Came back?

It's a blur.

Not complete amnesia. I remember

Sister Mary Margaret puking in church...

...and Betsy saying

it was morning sickness.

And the time I forgot to wear

my underpants to school...

...and the name of the boy who noticed

was Ricky Friedburg.

He's dead now.

But last night...

...complete blur.

Couldn't you just die?

Please...

...show out Mr. Wayne.

With pleasure.

Your coat, Mr. Wayne.

You don't seem like the type

who does business with Shreck.

No. You don't seem like the type

to take orders from him.

Well, that's a...

...long story.

I could free up some time.

- I'm listed.

- I'm tempted.

I'm working.

I'm leaving.

You buy that blurry business?

Women.

Nothing surprises me...

...except your late mother.

Who'd have thought Selina

had a brain to damage?

Bottom line?

She tries to blackmail me,

I'll drop her out of a higher window.

Meantime...

...l've got badder fish to fry.

Oswald...

...it's Max.

You're home?

How've you been?

Your extended family?

Good to have a family.

I'd rather not be disturbed now.

Come on downstairs, Oswald.

I have a surprise.

I don't like surprises.

Come on.

Don't peek.

You'll spoil it.

Adulation is a cross to bear.

God knows I know.

But someone's got to supplant our

standing in the way of progress, Mayor.

And don't deny it, Mr. Cobblepot,

you've got the magic.

Your charisma's bigger than both of us.

Come on down.

Mayor?

Mayor.

Elections happen in November.

It's late December.

Don't worry.

I want you to meet Jen and Josh,

my image consultants.

Here.

Reclaim your birthright.

I'm Jen.

Okay, let's see. What I'd like to do first

is put these gloves on you.

Our research tells us

that voters like fingers.

So if we were to just lose this...

We'll do it another time.

Not a lot of reflective surfaces

in the sewer, huh?

Still, it could be worse.

My nose could be gushing blood.

What do you mean by that?

Everybody, back to work!

Let's make...

...a mayor!

You're right, we missed

the regular election...

...but elected officials can be recalled,

impeached...

...given the boot. Look at Nixon, Agnew.

Then think of you...

...Oswald Cobblepot, filling the void.

I'd like to fill her void.

We'll need signatures to overturn

the ballot. I can supply those.

- Teach her my French flipper trick.

- We need one more thing.

A platform?

Stop global warming. Start global cooling.

Make the world an icebox.

I like it. But to get the mayor recalled,

we must have a catalyst.

"You're doing great, Mayor Cobblepot."

"Your table is ready, Mayor Cobblepot."

"I need you, Oswald. I need you now! "

"That's the biggest parasol I've ever seen."

Soon an incident like the Gulf of Tonkin,

or the Reichstag fire...

You want my old friends up there...

...to drive the mayor into a foaming frenzy?

- Exactly.

- Sounds fun.

But...

...I mustn't get sidetracked, Maxie.

I have my own things to tend to.

"Sidetracked?" This is your chance

to fulfill your destiny...

...that your parents carelessly discarded.

Reclaim my birthright, you mean?

Imagine, as mayor,

you have the ear of the media...

...access to the captains of industry...

...unlimited poontang.

You drive a hard bargain, Maxie.

All right, I'll be mayor.

Burn, baby, burn!

- Who is she?

- What is she?

I don't know whether to open fire

or fall in love.

You poor guys.

Always confusing your pistols

with your privates.

Don't hurt us. Our take-home's

less than $300.

You're overpaid. Hit the road.

Go ahead and hit me.

Admiring your handiwork?

Touring the riot scene.

Gravely assessing the devastation.

"Upstanding-Mayor" stuff.

You're not the mayor.

Things change.

What do you want?

The direct approach.

I admire that in a man with a mask.

You don't really think you'll win, do you?

Things change.

I saw her first. Got to fly.

How could you? I'm a woman!

I'm sorry.

As I was saying, I'm a woman

and can't be taken for granted.

Life's a b*tch, now so am I.

Who are you?

Who's the man behind the bat?

Maybe you can help me find...

...the woman...

...behind the cat.

No, that's not you.

There you are.

Saved by Kitty Litter.

Bastard!

Alfred...

...bring me some antiseptic ointment.

Coming. Are you in pain, sir?

Not really.

I may have saved the mayor's baby...

...but I refuse to save a mayor...

...who stood by, helpless as a baby...

...while Gotham was ravaged

by a disease...

...that turned Eagle Scouts

into crazed clowns...

...and happy homemakers into catwomen.

Thank you.

Oswald Cobblepot, the mystery man-beast,

made his bid to run Gotham.

Mr. Cobblepot, you are the coolest

role model a young person could have.

And you're the hottest young person...

...a role model could have.

Here.

Wear a button.

Let me just get it on here.

Thank you.

This mayor stuff is not about power,

it's about reaching out to people...

...touching people, groping people.

- Penguin...

- My name is not Penguin!

It's Oswald Cobblepot.

Oswald, there's somebody here to see you.

Just the p*ssy I've been looking for.

It's chilly in here.

I'll warm you.

Down, Oswald.

We need to talk.

You see...

...you and I have something in common.

Sounds familiar.

Appetite for destruction?

Contempt for the czars of fashion?

Wait, don't tell me.

Naked sexual charisma?

Batman.

The thorn in both our sides.

The fly in our ointment.

Ointment?

I've got scented and unscented.

I'll come back later.

Perchance, are you a registered voter?

I'm a mayoral prospect.

I have but one pet cause today:

Ban the Bat.

Oh, him again. No bother.

He's already history. Check it out.

We'll disassemble his Batmobile

and turn it into an H-bomb on wheels.

He'd have even more power as a martyr.

To destroy Batman, we must first

turn him into what he hates the most.

Namely, us.

Frame him?

Not even in office yet

and already an enemies list.

Those names are not for prying eyes.

Why should I trust some catbroad anyway?

Maybe you're a screwed-up sorority chick

getting back at her daddy...

...for not buying her that pony

when she turned sweet-sixteen.

Nice birdie.

Nice kitty.

Nice kitty.

Batman napalmed my arm.

He knocked me off a building just

when I started to feel good about myself.

I want to play an integral part

in his degradation.

A plan is forming.

I want in.

The thought of busting Batman

makes me feel all...

...dirty.

Maybe I'll just give myself a bath

right here.

I challenge the mayor...

...to re-light the Christmas tree

in Gotham Plaza tomorrow night.

Sir, shall we change the channel

to a program with some dignity and class?

The Love Connection perhaps?

...not that I have any faith in the mayor.

But I hope and pray...

...that Batman...

...will be present to preserve the peace.

Subtle.

Why are you doing this?

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