Batman Returns Page #4

Selina?

Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you.

Scare me? I was just scaring myself.

I don't see how, but...

It's nice to see you in the real world,

away from Shreck.

It's nice to be here.

Are you all right?

You look like you have the holiday blues

or something.

Boy, the news these days.

Weird!

I heard on TV that Catwoman

weighs 140 pounds.

How do these hacks sleep at night?

It's not even accurate. "Batman blows it"?

He probably saved millions

in property damage alone.

You're not going to the re-lighting

of the tree, are you?

I wouldn't be caught dead there.

It's going to be a hot time

in the cold town tonight.

You got kind of a dark side, don't you?

No darker than yours.

Why don't you come over

and we can watch it on TV?

The tree-lighting ceremony.

I can't. I have to be somewhere tonight.

How about coming for dinner at five?

Let's say six?

Five.

Five. You and me.

The tree lights up

and then I push the button.

Wait, wait.

I push the button, then the tree lights up.

Who are you?

Talent scout.

Come in.

I don't just light trees.

I'm an actress as well.

What is that thing?

A camera or something?

Say, "Cheese! "

Cheese.

Thanks, Alfred.

I'm sure he's wonderful company...

...but doesn't the "gold-plated-bachelor" bit

get a little stale?

A lot like the "lonely-secretary" syndrome,

I guess.

Executive Assistant.

Sorry.

Secretary.

Any girlfriend?

Sure.

You mean, as in serious?

No. Had one, didn't work.

What went wrong? Hang on!

I think I know!

You kept things from her.

I told her everything.

The truth frightened her?

There are two truths...

...you know?

She had trouble reconciling them

because I had trouble...

...reconciling them.

Vicki thought...

Vicki?

Ice skater or stewardess?

No, she was a photojournalist.

Was Vicki right about your...

...difficulty with duality?

You see...

...if I say yes, then...

...you'll think of me as a...

...Norman Bates, a Ted Bundy type and...

You might not let me kiss you.

It's the so-called normal guys

who always let you down.

Sickos never scare me.

At least they're committed.

I can't do that.

Neither can I.

This is a special bulletin.

The Ice Princess has been kidnapped.

Can you confirm reports of Batman's

suspected involvement in the abduction?

The evidence is purely circumstantial.

This was found, stained with blood,

in the missing girl's dressing room.

- I must go.

- No, it's your house.

Hold on. Just sit for a second and relax.

I'll be right back.

I've got to go to the plaza.

- He is begging me to show.

- I hoped you'd snub him.

I can't. There's been a kidnapping.

Here's what I want you to do.

Sh*t!

Tell Selina, Ms. Kyle,

I had to go out of town.

Tell her that a big business deal came up...

You know what?

Let her know, not in some kind of dumb,

"be-my-girlfriend" way...

I'll relay the message.

Mr. Wayne told me to tell you that...

Bruce, yes...

Would you tell him...

...l've been going through...

a lot of changes and...

Just that...

...this is not a rejection...

...my abruptly leaving.

In fact, he makes me feel the way...

...I hope I really am.

Could you just make up a sonnet or...

a dirty limerick?

One has just sprung to mind.

This way, ma'am.

Ladies and Gentlemen.

Please, may I have your attention?

I know that to many of you...

...Gotham seems a bit

beleaguered these days.

But I want you to know

your elected officials...

...and your police department...

...have the situation well in hand.

Got to hurry.

Thank you.

It was set up to look like I did it.

I'll tell the police I was kidnapped

by an ugly birdman with fish breath.

Did somebody say fish?

I haven't been fed all day.

Eat floor.

High fiber.

Hey, stud...

...I thought we had something together.

- We do.

Got to go. Girl talk.

She let me go. I think 'cause I reasoned

with her, girl-to-girl.

Be careful. Don't move.

Lawn dart!

Rats with wings, do your thing.

Batman pushed the Princess!

Hold your fire!

You're catnip to a girl like me.

Handsome, dazed...

...and to die for.

Mistletoe can be deadly if you eat it.

But a kiss...

...can be even deadlier if you mean it.

You're the second man

who's killed me this week.

But I've got seven lives left.

I tried to save you...

Seems like every woman

you try to save ends up dead.

Or deeply resentful.

Maybe you should retire.

Damn.

Outstanding!

You're Beauty and the Beast...

...in one luscious Christmas gift pack.

You said you'd scare the Ice Princess.

She looked pretty scared to me.

A touch of the bubbly?

So what are we waiting for?

Let's consummate our fiendish union.

What?

Oh, come on.

Can't you picture?

It's dark in the mayor's mansion.

I'm bushed, so here you come

into the bedroom...

...twitching your little tail...

...my slippers in one hand,

a dry martini in the other.

Please.

I wouldn't touch you to scratch you.

You lousy minx! I should have you spayed!

You sent out all the signals!

I don't think I like you anymore!

Good-bye, my unintended.

Go to heaven.

There he is!

Don't adjust your sets.

Welcome...

...to the Oswald Cobblepot

School of Driving.

Gentlemen, start your screaming.

This may be a bad time to mention it,

but my license has expired!

Relax.

I'll take care of the squealing, wretched,

pinhead puppets of Gotham!

You must admit I played this stinking city

like a harp from hell!

Helpless old lady at 12:00 high!

That's funny.

Now I'm a little worried.

So he survived. Why worry?

He didn't even lose a limb!

An eyeball! Bladder control!

Listen to them. They've lost faith

in old symbols.

They're ready to bond with you,

the icon of the future.

If it works, don't fix it.

We'll celebrate tonight at my annual ball.

Shreck and Cobblepot...

...the visionary alliance.

When it came time...

...to ensure the safety of our fair city...

...did the mayor have a plan?

No!

He relied on a man.

A Batman.

A ticking time-bomb of a costumed freak...

Our prime concern is

this ghastly grotesque.

But let's not forget about

repairing the Batmobile.

There's security to consider.

We can't just take it to any old body shop.

Security?

Who let Vicki Vale into the Batcave?

I'm working, I turn around and there she is.

"Hi, Vick. Come on in."

- Ready?

- I'll take the stairs.

You ask... am I up here for personal glory?

No.

The glory that I yearn to recapture...

...is the glory of Gotham!

How can this be accomplished?

I know...

...you're all concerned.

Relax.

I'll take care of the squealing, wretched,

pinhead puppets of Gotham.

I didn't say that.

You must admit I played

this stinking city...

...like a harp from hell!

You must admit...

...I played this stinking city

like a harp from hell!

Why is there always someone who brings

eggs and tomatoes to a speech?

There he is!

My babies.

Did you miss me?

Did you miss me?

Great speech, Oswald.

My name is not Oswald!

It's Penguin!

I am not a human being!

I am an animal. Cold-blooded!

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