Bearcity Page #6

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relationship. They just want to have

sex with tourists. It gets boring

after a while. That's why I'm thinking

about moving here.

That's understandable,

it never gets boring here.

No, to find someone.

I didn't take you as a nester.

I'm thinking about it. That's the

reason I am here this week. I was

planning to look at apartments, for

work, a new life.

As a Go-Go dancer?

No, I just did that to put myself

through University.

I'm a massage therapist.

Oh really?

si.

Are you good?

The best. Do you want a massage?

I want a lot of things, but I'll

start with a massage.

Baum chicka bouw boum. Bauw!

What do you want?

Do the wave!

I knew it.

Nice.

- You put it in?

- Yeah.

You wrote the right name?

- Yes, stop.

- With two X's. X X L?

Yes double X, L.

OK, we got a few more here, so we're

gonna put these messages in your

envelopes. so come up when I call your

name. Texas Bear... You've got Mail!

- This is stupid.

- It's not stupid. It's hot.

Wait so, it's hot?

You're lookin' cool.

shut up.

FuzzyCub4Daddy... You've got Mail!

BeerCan Double XL... you've got

mail... that's a shocker.

mail... that's a shocker.

Oh good. Now he's gotta go two flights

up to find us.

Hiding in the corner of the roof.

We're not hiding. Just looking casual,

just lookin' cool.

sent him a note instead

of just talking to him.

Danny, I need a better screen name

than ''Frank Furter.''

sure Frank. Try this one.

''Auntie Biotic?''

Hey, I'm BeerCan Double XL.

Prove it.

I got your proof right here!

- What'd you write?

- Doesn't matter.

- Did you write something cool?

- Yeah, it's totally cool.

F*** yeah.

He's coming.

Oh there he is.

I'm gonna cross my arms,

does this look cool?

Yeah, it's cool.

Chill.

Hey.

Hey.

I got your note.

- That's hot.

- Yeah that's f***ing hot.

so, you interested, Bro?

The name's Mel... And you are?

I'm Fred and this is my hot

motherfucking partner Brent.

sometimes our friends call us..

Call us Bert and Ernie.

F***. Not if they want to live.

Or get some.

Yeah. That's right.

How about I just call you two the

hottest holes I've ever turned out?

Like inside out?

Possibly.

F***.

Come on.

Good.

I'm trying to get clean.

Let me get some of that..

How does my hair look?

My hair look cool?

Wait, wait. Oh it's very cool.

Hey boys.

We don't need that.

No we don't. What's the

minimum at this table?

Ummm... the house welcomes your bet.

Yeah, poker, whatever.

Yeah, f*** yeah.

Easy, easy. Uncle Mel won't forget

about you, handsome.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Easy on the nipples, Kid, Uncle

Mel likes it soft.

I'm sorry, sir. I mean, Uncle

Melvin. I've been a bad boy.

That's a good boy. Yeah.

He's a good boy.

Hey, man easy with the finger in my

hole. You gotta' go smooth.

I'm sorry, Uncle Mel. I'm sorry.

Uncle Mel will guide ya. Yeah.

What the f***? Hey, what the

hell you doin' Kid?!

I thought you would like that?

You thought I'd like that?!

- Well, he likes it...

- What? You like it?

No I don't like it..

What the f*** is going on

with you amateurs?

I don't like that..

You know guys are f***ed. Yeah, I

am getting the f*** out of here.

Uncle Mel!

Oh my God.

Holy sh*t, Brent!

''Holy sh*t, Brent?!'' You're not

pinning this on me just because I won.

What'd you win? A**hole of the year

award for your water sports antics?

No, Mr. finger missile, you won that

when you

decided to open this relationship.

You decided to do this! I was over it.

Karma.

I'm an adult.

Oh my God.

Oh come on! This is a door,

can we try using it..

Oh holy sh*t, I'm calling 91 1!

Wait, sh*t.

Tyler, wait!

Uncle Mel?

Is it good?

Yeah, just like my dick.

What's up.

I.D. please? Thank you.

Woof! Grrr.

What are you doing?

Getting my bear on.

Ok simon, do not embarrass me.

Ok.

Thank you.

Grr.

Let's go.

Oh, it's good!

Really good?

Yeah, you want one?

You know what, let's do it. I have

just had a week of job interviews

and made it through.

Didn't you have a promising interview?

The interview was not promising,

the job was. Broadway.com.

What is this Broadway you speak of?

Who let you in here?

I am on your side.

Aww. May we please taste

your Dirty Jock?

Three Dirty Jocks coming up!

Oh ok, what exactly is in

a Dirty Jock, Randy?

I'll be right with you. It's vodka,

club soda, olive juice chilled to

perfection, topped with an olive.

Martini in a shot glass.

With some bubbles.

It's not girlie enough for me.

What's up!

Two more.

Guys, this is my old roommate and

dear dear friend, simon.

Hello ursine creatures!

I come in peace.

Oh how sweet. Michael.

simon, nice to meet you.

simon, this is my new roommate Fred.

Enchanted.

And the ever charming Brent.

Hi.

Nice to finally meet you both. Oh,

I hope your uncle's OK.

Ohh, was there a newsletter?

Put a banner up?

I'm going to kill you.

C'mon guys, I ain't got all night.

One for beauty.

Beast.

You wanna take this

drink here, Fred?

I'm gonna be rude guys, and

make a toast to myself.

To the new me... inside

all this old me!

Ah yes.

Cheers.

Ew!

What the hell was that?

Awful.

That was Randy's Dirty Jock.

Yeah, tastes like it.

F*** you b*tches. Die of thirst.

so, what happened with Broadway.com?

Alright, alright. Listen to this. What

had happened was, as usual I get to

the interview and I am drenched in

sweat. The guy, the embryo ya know, I

was interviewing with goes out to his

receptionist right at that moment.

Grr.

What are you doing? No!

Boys! Your elder is talking.

I'm sorry father.

so, I go up to shake his hand, it

slides off a torrent of wet. But

that's not when I lost it. I get in

his office, I put my big chubby buns

up in a chair. Make sure I don't break

it. Lean back and the button from my

belly drops into the sky, 360 degree

turns swear to this day and lands

right on his desk.

You are lying.

True.

Oh girl, that is so hot!

That's horrifying!

It's hot-rrifying!

Just trying it out.

Your comedy done run dry girl.

No? I'm a giver.

Any other day I might have gone to the

chicken shack, the taco haven. I'd run

down and got me some chocolate

ringlets, a couple of Cornish hens.

But I thought to myself I'm gonna lose

so much weight, I gonna go back, I'm

gonna get this job. I'm gonna take it.

That's right.

Well, what ever ended up happening

with the whole button thing then?

Well, I made a joke. I said it's

''Occupational hazard for us Bears''. He

laughed politely, and then he offered

me a sewing kit.

No.

As one does.

As one do.

Lord, I'm so sorry baby.

Oh it was a moment. But you know

what, I've got friends like y'all, I'm

gonna lose 227 pounds. I'm gonna

conquer the world.

That's sweet.

Yes, it is, just like you.

Wahoo. Uh hum. see this? see what I'm

doing here? This is what the kids call

the ''E'' kicking in. And I am starting

my roll as they say, so I think I'm

gonna get on the dance floor and start

dancing!

schweet!

Did he just say he had ''E''?

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