Beware the Gonzo Page #3

getting crushed by these soulless chains

introduce them to a whole new consumer.

I'll take out an ad. Couldn't hurt.

It's 50 for a full page.

-How about 40.

-Done.

See? Don't worry about the money. Covered.

Even the New York Times

has a website component.

Talk-backs, videos, blogs...

I mean you wanna interact

with your readers, right?

You want a reaction, don't you?

- I don't know anything about web design.

- I do. I can format your whole newspaper

See, I have very specific ideas about the formatting.

We'd have to work...very closely...together.

Are you gonna go all the way with this?

Or are you gonna punk out?

What do you think?

Uhm

I think we're all gonna go home...

together...in this direction

You guys can stay here. We'll see you later

I have this pretty classic picture of Schneeman

we should probably use for the cover

- Yeah, cool. Let me give you my email.

- Yeah, absolutely.

The bubonic plague!

You better double bag Gilman or your dick's gonna fall off.

You have no dick, a**hole. Piss off!

- I hope you don't believe everything you hear

- No.

You know if they're lying,

you should write something too

-Set the record straight.

-Yeah, maybe I will.

- What happened between you and Gavin Riley?

- That's nobody's business

- You're a motherf***er on that triangle, man.

- Thanks

- What's your name?

- Dave Melnick.

Dave, tell me. How'd you like to be a star?

I'd like to be a star.

Most people only see a block of stone

the artist sees the statue trapped inside

Kev, Julie's my best friend.

but you're so freakin hot.

I know.

You skanky little ho

"You can chain me, you can torture me,

you can destroy my body"

"but you will never imprison my mind."

Mohandas Gandhi.

Check it out. I finally landed us two ads.

RJ's records on Main St and

that kid Django

who sells weed on the playground.

-I'll scan them in.

-Yeah, good.

What are you up to, Gilman?

If this school's an ass,

That's my foot.

Triple tens

Pathetic.

-Evie.

-Did you get it?

The double-thumb Gonzo Fist. Hunter S. Thompson.

It really grabs the eye by the balls of the throat.

That doesn't make any sense

but think I know what you mean.

I'm gonna stay up tonight and see

if I can finish the whole lay-out.

Gonzo files no. 1

Oh my God, Evie

This looks so professional.

I love it.

Wait till you see the website.

I kinda hope Schneeman doesn't

get murdered for this.

I know. Berserk.

This one's mine.

You might think it's stupid so

Evie

I have like 40+ moronic ideas every second

and I tend to express them all

A sex advise column?

This is cruel.

If they want a whore, I'll give them a whore.

Bastards.

Let them see how it feels.

Ever feel lost, lonely, weird, really ugly?

last to get the joke?

Ever wonder where the party is?

Ever get a dodge ball on your face?

Pop a boner in your sweat pants?

Ever feel embarrassed about being smart?

Ever feel just like staying in bed all day,

all week, all year?

You ever feel misunderstood, cheated, alone?

Ever wonder why nothing ever feels easy ever?

Well, this paper's for you

Welcome to the Gonzo Files

Hey that's me.

Look she's making herself puke.

-Thanks for the unrealistic body image, b*tch.

-What?

-I'm not bulimic, you a**hole. I was puking

my guts out from the cafeteria food.

-Right, right.

-The Hendrix of the triangle?

-Yeah.

Oh my God. That's brutal.

-Damn, they put him in a whole locker.

-Who are these creeps?

You whore!

"I've had the misfortune of being bullied

by Johnny Rock since he came to Parker in 9th grade."

"Over the years he has worked long and

hard to perfect his patented wedgie technique."

"that combines elements of public humiliation

and excruciating physical pain"

"into a veritable bouillabaisse of terror."

"Take it from me, in the world of raging a**holes ..."

Johnny Rock stands alone.

Congratulations, Johnny. You earned it.

Now if you'll excuse us, we're late for gym.

Physical education. It's important

Why aren't you dead right now?

Everyone knows Marlene Katsmeyer's

curvy just not like this.

-Haters, eat your hearts out.

-Damn, Elephant girl really is smokin'.

Horny Rob!

You go, boy!

Wait, listen to this.

"Dear Easy E, I have a very small penis."

"In fact, I'm one of the few guys

who can actually pee on his own balls."

"Do you know of any procedures or

exercise that can improve my length and girth?"

"Please help. I'm scared I'll never

be able to please a woman."

"Sincerely, Ryan McCloud.

That preppy guy who always wears rugby shirts."

This letter is bullshit!

I am long and strong!

No. I've seen your sad, SAD excuse for a penis.

Last year when I gave you a

hummer in the boys' bathroom?

Don't you remember?

I mean, that's what you told everybody.

What are you...you saying it's not true?

You're a nasty little liar, aren't you, Ryan?

Say it.

Say "I'm a nasty little liar

and I deserve to be spanked."

Say it.

Say it. Say it.

Say it.

You can go to hell!

I want this written in English.

Attention. Attention students, will Edward Gilman

please report to the principal's office.

Mr. Gilman.

You caused quite a commotion today.

But that's now always such a bad thing, yes?

We think it's cute what you did.

Cute?

You certainly hit a nerve.

Have a seat.

Now there's a lot about your

paper that is inappropriate.

and in very poor taste and

I seriously considered disciplining you

but your essential message-saluting the unsung

heroes of parker prep has real value

Gonzo

as long as you agree to tone it down...a lot

and to work under Gavin's supervision

We're prepared to give you a small budget and

to make your little paper an official supplement to The Courier.

Well, what do you think?

Well, gentlemen

I'm flattered by your offer...really

But you see...

If I accept your money

then I have to accept your rules and

Sorry but my readers will not allow the Gonzo

to be censored by anybody.

Let me put it another way.

If you put out another issue,

I'm going to suspend you.

I guess you'll do what you have to do

and I'll do what I have to do.

Meeting adjourned? Great.

Big mistake, Gilman. Big mistake.

May I say it was fun.

It's been a really long time since I had fun.

Cute.

They called my paper "cute."

-Who?

-Who do you think?

Riley? Who cares what that a**hole thinks.

Don't let him get in your head, Gonzo.

That's what he wants.

What if he's right?

What if people really do see this paper

as just another prank

like streaking across stage during graduation

But that's not what this is.

Look, on the website people are

already sending me letters

Real letters looking for advice.

And not just about perverted sex sh*t either

You have no idea how many girls

were screwed over in this school.

I'm gonna try and help.

See that's cool.

yeah your thing is really cool

What did I write?

About some stupid sh*t

about a triangle player.

Great reporters find great

subjects, change things...

Give yourself a break.

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