Bewitched Page #3

Daddy. Hi.

What are you doing here?

Hello, Isabel. Love the hat.

And who is this?

This is my father.

This is Maria Kelly.

How witchy was that? We talk

about your father and he turns up.

Maria is my neighbor.

Nigel Bigelow. Enchant.

Okay.

And what won't I approve of?

A man Isabel thinks is cute.

I'm completely against it.

I'm gonna be an actress

in a television series.

She's gonna play Samantha

on Bewitched.

Bewitched?

That's an insult to our way of life.

Your dad is a hoot.

I'm gonna take one of these,

because you got a lot.

Oh, sure.

Anyway, if anyone's robbing my house,

let me know. I'll do the same for you.

Oh! And if you get a date

that has a friend...

...make sure he's not secretly married

before you call me.

- Bye, Nigel.

- Bye, Maria.

Bye, Maria.

Why can't you be happy for me?

In less than a week I have become

a rich and famous actress...

...living in a house I don't even have

to pay rent for...

...just like every other person

in the world.

Why wouldn't I be happy?

You've turned your back

on your own kind...

...and now you live down the street

from a Denny's.

Don't make fun of my life.

I could make fun of your life.

So, what about this man?

No, I am not telling you anything

anymore, you're too negative.

One morning,

I shot a lion in my pajamas.

What he was doing in my pajamas,

I'll never know.

Uncle Arthur. Classic.

Your brand of low comedy always did

appeal to adolescent mentality.

I won't do it.

Speaking of traveling,

remember that time...

Maybe I will.

Maybe I will.

- Sent over from Europe.

It's simply gorgeous.

It reminds me

of the one in California.

Lucinda, you really should be

watching this.

I'm only trying to say

that you broke your promise.

You gave me your word, no more...

Stuff.

It's a little harder to break the habit

than I thought.

Well, you can do it.

I've got a lot of faith in you.

Thank you, darling.

Ladies and gentlemen...

...please welcome the star

of the new Bewitched:

Jack Wyatt!

I didn't expect you guys to be here.

Okay, as you know,

we're here for Bewitched.

But it's not the same Bewitched

that you remember. It's being retooled.

But there is going to be a Samantha?

Of course.

Isabel, can you come out here?

Be brave. You look beautiful.

Ladies and gentlemen

of the press...

...I'd like you to meet the talented

and delightful Ms. Isabel Bigelow.

Say hello to the people, Isabel.

Hello.

No, no, into the microphone.

Here. Here.

- Hello.

- That's enough.

Now do that thing that you do.

Isn't that great?

That was great. Great.

Just stand there.

And guess who's playing Endora.

Ladies and gentlemen, please

welcome the great, the legendary...

...Miss Iris Smythson,

as my mother-in-law.

That's right.

Iris Smythson. Iris?

- Iris?

- All right, what's going on?

Iris Smythson.

And of course she hates me.

Don't you?

Anything you say, Jerry.

Jack. See what I mean?

That's a joke, right?

Endora used to refer to Darrin

as Derwood.

No, I just forgot your name.

But the news here

isn't Iris Smythson...

...or Jack Wyatt,

who's trying the small screen...

...after the twin disasters

of his last movie...

...and a messy split

from his wife, Sheila...

...who's already found

someone new...

...after a marriage that lasted

only 19 months.

Didrt she leave him for a

snowboarder/underwear model?

He's a moronlidiot.

- That's right.

- Arert they living together?

Yes, in my house! My house

that I bought before I even met her.

And she won't move

or sign the divorce papers.

The big news is the surprise casting

of an unknown as Samantha.

Her name is Isabel Bigelow...

...and she's quite the charmer,

isn't she?

- That's magic.

- So, what's Jack Wyatt thinking?

"My career has tanked,

so I'll fix it by playing Darrin"?

Yeah. Because that's crazy.

Who's running his life?

Plus, he did not look well.

Not look well? I look fine.

I'm extremely healthy.

Richie. Richie.

What am I gonna do with you?

Boy.

This is Richie.

Richie. Why'd you talk me

into doing this show? Huh?

What was I thinking?

What were you thinking?

We were both thinking

the same thing, Jack Attack.

Cast a nobody.

You're completely safe.

Richie, can't you come over here?

I could use a little support on this one.

Jack, I can't because I'm about to step

into a meeting with the head of NBC.

I'll be right there! One second.

Look, I don't know if you know this,

but I'm Darrin, okay?

They replaced Darrin on the original

Bewitched and no one noticed!

Nobody is going to replace you.

I'm Darrin! How did this happen?!

Hold the work!

Once upon a time, there was a typical

red-blooded American boy...

...who happened to bump into

a typical American girl.

And, cut!

- Jack, Jack.

- How was I? How was I?

- You were wonderful, man.

- So good.

- Don't lie to me.

- No. My ribs hurt.

It's what I get paid to do.

Jack? Uno ms? From the top?

One more?

Did you see what happened?

Good stuff.

Moving on!

You know it, dude. Nice one.

Here we go.

Off to a good start, huh?

And after a while, he did what any

red-blooded American boy would do.

Samantha, will you marry me?

Cut!

Great! Beautiful. That was good.

That was good.

- Action.

- You're a witch?

And you waited until our

wedding night to tell me?

I don't believe this! Oh, golly!

Samantha.

Cut! Cut!

Joey, for God's sake.

Are you trying to kill everyone?

Because we can't breathe.

And what's going on

with the lightning?

You can't nod to the audience in

the show. It just breaks the reality.

What?

You can't nod to them.

You can't do...

Go sit in your chair.

Back to your chair.

All right, but...

Take two up. Rolling!

You're a witch? And you waited until

our wedding night to tell me?

I can't believe this.

What's going on?

Samantha.

Why is she waving?

Who are you?

I am Samantha's mother, Endora.

A mortal? You married a mortal?

Oh, my poor, poor baby.

This is just horrifying.

I think I need a drink.

Freeze!

Unfreeze!

What a shame you didn't drink it.

If you had, perhaps you could've spent

your wedding night as a bullfrog.

Don't worry, Samantha. I won't do it.

Witch's honor.

My darling, we are quicksilver.

We're a fleeting shadow.

We're a distant sound.

- That's your mother?

- We live on the wind...

...in the sparkle of a star.

And you want to trade all that

for an acre of crabgrass?

Did she just call me

an acre of crabgrass?

Deal with it, Derwood.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you!

I want a piece of the show. Why?

Because I put this thing together,

that's why.

Because Jack Wyatt doesn't

parallel park without checking with me.

Let me call you back. J-Bone!

You're crushing it, baby.

Absolutely crushing it.

- I think we got something.

- It's exciting.

- How's Isabel doing?

- She's perfect.

She looks hot and she lets you score

like a madman.

I know. She's great.

I can't believe you found her.

You think she's gonna notice?

What? That she doesn't have a part?

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