Bewitched Page #4

Not a chance. She's clueless.

Plus, I think she's got

a little thing for you.

It's freaking pathetic.

- You think so?

- Yes.

Man, that would be...

Such a nightmare. I know.

Can you imagine?

Although, she does have kind of

a cute little back end on her.

I wouldn't kick her out of bed

for eating a box of crackers.

Isabel?

- Did she hear us?

- Not a chance.

A couple of changes to the script.

It was running a little long,

so we cut your lines.

Think of it this way,

it's less to memorize.

Sorry.

Lunch!

Isabel!

I feel like a fool. A big, stupid,

sad fool, and yet I'm angry as well.

What's going on?

Let's set fire to his trailer.

Let's just do it.

Isabel, this is awesome!

You're on TV.

He lied to me.

He tricked me.

He said he needed me.

When all he needed was someone

to stand next to him...

...while he says

his stupid clever lines.

- Hi, I'm Maria.

- Nina.

He seemed so messy and sincere.

But really, he's just a big fake.

We could electrocute him.

There's tons of wires around here.

I wanna cry, I wanna break things.

I wanna hurt him.

Yet there's a part of me that still

has a small amount of feeling for him.

How can this be?

When my first husband left me,

I wanted to cut the brakes in his car...

...but instead we ended up

having sex on the elliptical machine.

He doesn't understand who

he's dealing with. He has no idea.

Look, you have three options:

You put up with it...

...quit...

...or get mad.

What would Samantha do?

She chose mad, right?

Okay, everybody, settle down.

Okay, working very quietly,

like little mice.

I don't want to see or hear

what you're doing.

I don't want to see or hear

what you're doing.

Okay, so, Isabel, just to refresh

your memory, Darrirs ex-girlfriend...

I read the script.

Okay. Well, let's just go over it

one more time.

Oh, and we rehearsed it a lot.

Well, I'm aware of that.

Darrirs ex-girlfriend has invited you

both over for dinner.

And Darrin forced you

to come with him...

He tricked me. Because he is

a self-centered has-been.

No, no, baby, that's not it. No.

Because he wants his dog back,

and then Darrin says his line:

- "It's my dog.

- It's my dog.

- I want him back."

- I want him back.

It always kills me, Jack.

You ready to go?

Let's do it. Let's do it.

Saddle up. Rolling!

Action!

It's my dog.

My dog!

And I will die if I do not have him back.

Do you understand?!

I will die if I do not have him back!

Cut.

Well, that was a bit much, Jack.

You wanna take it down a notch?

Or five?

You know what? Just keep it going.

Let me just go. I'll get it this time.

Rolling!

Action!

Where art thou, dog?

Thy canine lover.

What's happening?

Where is your hot breath

upon the nape of my neck?

We shall form a bond of brotherhood:

Man and beast.

You shall lick my face

and I shall lick your snout.

Cut. Jack.

Guys, I'm not doing this on purpose,

I swear to you.

Okay. All right.

Rolling.

Oh, my God. Where's my dog?

Totally. I have a totally great dog.

Jack. Jack. What are you doing?

This is where the dog has to decide

between Darrirs ex and Darrin.

Samantha wiggles her nose

and the dog chooses Darrin.

Rolling!

I know how we can solve this, Darrin.

We'll let Satchel decide.

That's a great idea.

- Come to Daddy, Satchel.

- Look! Good boy.

- Come to Mommy.

- Good boy.

- Satchel...

- Okay, Isabel, wiggle your nose.

Satchel. Satchel. Come to Mommy.

- Satchel. Satchel.

- Come on. Come on. Up!

- Right here. Come to Daddy.

- Come to Mommy, Satchel.

I got it, Jack. I got it.

Don't you dare go to Daddy.

Come to Mommy!

- No, no, no. You love Daddy.

- Come on, Satchel.

- Come on.

- Come on.

Satchel, come to Mommy.

- He's coming. He's coming.

- He's just sitting there.

Come on! Come on, boy!

To Mommy, Satchel.

- Cut!

- Jim, what's going on here?

Joey!

If the dog runs to you again, try this.

Come to Daddy, Satchel.

Satchel, come to Mommy.

Come on! Come on, Satchel.

- Come on, boy, please?

- To Mommy.

Good girl.

Please, boy, come on!

Jump, boy! Jump!

Thank God you didn't have

a Great Dane.

Damn it!

Cut!

Darling, that was marvelous.

But... Watch out for that.

Please don't say anything.

Calm down, you're not alone.

- I'm not?

- No.

- Are there others?

- There are many others.

Many actors, they develop tricks...

...twitches, really.

You don't want to

become mannered.

- Oh, no, I don't.

- No.

Thank you, Iris.

Hello.

Daddy, what...?

If it isn't my spell-casting magical

daughter who gave up witchcraft.

You've had quite a day today,

haven't you?

I was provoked. I fell off the wagon.

It was a one-time thing.

So you're not in love

with him anymore?

I have never disliked a man

more in my entire life...

...which proves that I am

completely over him.

Not necessarily. In fact...

Besides, it was just a crush, which is

an intense but superficial attraction...

...that can easily be mistaken for

something deeper. Now go away.

I have a crush on Endora.

What?!

Daddy, where are you?

I said, I have a crush on Endora.

- Daddy! No.

- So lovely.

Her name is not Endora. It's Iris.

Iris. A spring flower.

You can't.

Now that I turned out to be so wrong

about him, my job is all that I've got.

- Please don't mess it up.

- How could I do that?

You'll sleep with her,

cheat on her...

...she'll go crazy

and she'll take it out on me.

I don't want you to get involved

with Iris. I mean it.

You can't stop being a witch.

I can too. You'll see.

- Cannot.

- Can too.

- Just accept it.

- Never.

Tell me about Bewitched.

Some have said it's a crass attempt

by the network to market nostalgia...

...rather than take a risk

on new ideas.

This isn't the old Bewitched.

It's been refocused.

Let's just say the only thing

I won't be doing is this:

So you leave the nose-wiggling

to the witch.

But you do it so well.

Well, I don't know about that.

I did coach her, though.

Can we get a close-up

on the nose?

I'd rather not.

Which camera?

Here? Okay.

Shall we discuss...

...dare we discuss,

Last Year in Katmandu?

Hi, Nina.

Yes! Yes, I am watching him.

What's a dick?

No one ever sets out

to make a bad movie.

What does that have to do

with how obnoxious he is being?

Some movies are career-enders.

Right. Right, we need a plan.

What went wrong?

You know, I hate to point fingers...

...but I'm gonna blame

the wardrobe department.

The wardrobe department?

I think it got in the way.

Maybe I should quit.

Honey, you can't quit.

Why not? Isn't that what people do?

He has to quit, not you.

Yeah, like that's ever

gonna happen.

We have to make him quit.

If we get naked pictures of him

and pictures of farm animals...

...I could just Photoshop them.

That's an excellent idea.

No, no, no. Wait.

Calm down. Calm down.

No, no, no, this not what I wanted.

I wanted something normal.

What should I do?

Oh, my.

What a mess.

Your Aunt Clara used to be able

to make a clean landing.

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