Bewitched Page #6

Well, I did.

Hey, pretty lady

Come back here with my heart

Hey, pretty lady

Are you a dream made real?

My soul, you have healed

Make me a better man

I wanna set up residence

In your promised land

Okay, and this is

the power ballad guitar solo.

Promised land!

Now you sing the chorus.

Promised land

Drum solo.

Promised land!

Leg kick.

Okay, I'm gonna break the guitar.

Promised land!

Promised land!

We're about to kiss, aren't we?

I thought so, but thanks for ruining

the moment, Miss Narrator.

Oh, my ruby jewel.

- What?

- My chocolate-covered strawberry.

I wanna bask in our love...

...like a house cat lying in the sun.

Jack, Jack, Jack.

Stop. Stop. I forgot.

Oh, I let myself forget.

It was so nice,

I couldn't help myself, and...

Oh, Jack!

This is sad. This is... No.

Let's make love in a hot-air balloon.

Let's make love in a candy factory.

Let's make love in a petting zoo.

I have to undo this, I do.

Let's make love at SeaWorld,

on the back of a killer whale.

Because it doesn't mean anything

unless it's real.

What witches wish

No mortal needs

Let time repent

And unsow its seeds

And now, I speak the ancient word

of redemption and regret:

Rewind.

So you leave the nose-wiggling

to the witch.

- But you do it so well.

- I did coach her, though.

Can we get a close-up

on the nose?

I'd rather not.

Which camera?

Hello, Nina.

I just knew it was you, that's all.

Yes, he is. He is a giant

male reproductive organ.

We don't need a plan, I already know

what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna speak to him

about his behavior.

I'm gonna talk to him sensibly and

directly, and I know he will change.

You'll see. Bye.

Butt out, Samantha,

I know what I'm doing.

I mean it.

Jack, Jack, bo-back

Bonana-fana fo-fack

Fee-fi-bo-back

Jack

Guys, make me 20 cappuccinos.

Bring me the best one.

Hey, J-Bone. Hey, buddy.

The test scores are in.

How'd I do? Ninety?

Hundred? One-twenty.

- One-forty!

- Good ballpark.

What did it say?

I got it. I got it right here.

Thirty-two.

I got a 32?

Is that for real?

The dog scored higher than I did.

Well, it's not you, Jack, it's Darrin.

"That Jack Wyatt is a real tool.

We hate him.

We mean the actor,

not the character."

Get a grip.

Hug me.

Come here.

I'm gonna be doing dinner theater

in Boca Raton.

They hate the show,

the whole show.

They hate everyone on it.

- Yeah, everybody.

- They did. Yep.

Isabel must've gotten savaged.

She got a 99?!

Ninety-nine? Is this for real?

Is that a joke?

She didn't say anything!

How is it that someone

who doesn't say anything...

...scores higher than someone

who had all the lines?

Oh, my...

Did anyone anticipate this

as a possibility?

Hindsight's 20l20.

- Good morning, everyone.

- And they think I'm a tool?!

I haven't been called a tool

since I was 15!

Thank you, guys! Thank you!

You know what?

No one ever liked Darrin! No one!

Why did we ever think

that was gonna change?

I have something to say.

This is unbelievable! A 32?

That's for real?

A three in front of a two?

Oh, my God!

Wait, I have something to say.

A 32 and she got 99?!

Were they high?!

Were the people

in the test group high?

Did we drug test them?

Were they just sitting in the studio,

smoking crack, saying:

"Let's give her a 99 and him a 32.

By the way, I'm high on crack"?!

I have something to say!

What?!

You're a jerk.

What did you just say?

I said, you're a jerk!

Everything is about you.

You are selfish.

And you are self-centered.

And you lied to me, you said you

needed me. You don't need anyone!

Listen, sweetie, why don't you go to

your trailer and take a Midol?

Hey! You be quiet,

or I'll give you a tail!

- Just calm down.

- You sit down!

Sit down!

This show is supposed to be

about a marriage.

A real marriage, with real problems,

like what color to paint the kitchen...

...or, I don't know, other problems,

I can't even think of them now.

But the only problems you care about

are your own!

No wonder the audience

doesn't like this show!

A witch marries a mortal.

Who in their right mind

would want to marry you?

- Hey!

- Excuse me. That's it. You're fired.

Doesrt matter. I quit!

Yeah! So...

...you better call my agent.

You don't have an agent.

Then call my cable man!

Sorry. So...

You all right?

No one's talked to me like that

in 20 years.

Once a week a woman

talks to me like that.

She just stripped me bare

and stuck the knife in.

Let's go to The Peninsula

and get some oysters.

You know what I think?

- Hey. The woman needs a part.

- I'm sorry?

I mean, if you got Sammy Sosa,

you don't bench him.

If you got Gorbachev in the ballet,

you let him dance the big number.

I don't think Gorbachev

was a dancer.

Yes, he was, Richie,

he absolutely was. Look it up.

Isabel! Hey!

Hey, Isabel!

Wait, wait, wait, don't go!

Isabel!

Please don't go. Please don't go.

That was incredible.

- What?

- Just now. That.

I mean, you yelled at me.

You were up-front, and honest...

...and you called me out

on all my crap.

It was just great.

Oh, God, I'm hyperventilating.

I've never done anything like this.

It was very hard,

but secretly quite thrilling.

Even my ex-wife, she never yelled.

She just locked me out.

In my family,

we usually just disappear.

No, no, don't disappear, Isabel.

One more show.

One more show.

- I don't think so.

- No, one more taping. Please?

It's just that I'm feeling that...

I'm feeling like maybe...

- I'm sorry.

- What'd you say?

I'm sorry for how I've been.

I'm sorry.

You're sweating again.

I know, just...

I just... Look, one more.

I love it when you sweat.

One more! Just one more.

And the second I'm being a jerk,

you can yell, "Hey! He's being a jerk!"

And we'll shut the whole thing down,

I promise.

We'll burn down the sets...

...and sell the costumes,

and give the money to little children.

I mean, that's one

possible scenario.

You want me to say

"He's being a jerk"?

Yeah. Or you can yell, I mean...

He's being a jerk!

He's being a jerk!

Yes.

I can't just walk back in there now.

Once you show up on a golf can't,

believe me, all is forgiven.

I've done it a lot of times.

But I was fired.

Oh, no. That's right, I quit.

Yeah. Here, let me carry your plant.

Honey, your mother's here.

Are you two getting along?

Not exactly.

- Like this?

- You're doing great.

Really, really great. One more time.

So it says here that marriage

can lead to a loss of passion.

It's true.

I feel empty and bored already.

- Oh, great. It's you.

- Mother!

I see you two are

actually getting along?

Endora, you rancid fruit bag,

get out of my room.

- Darrin!

- And my daughter is happy?

That is the cruelest twist of all.

I am happy, Darrin.

Real, honest, no-spells happy.

And cut!

Actors, cut.

Really, cut now.

You were great today.

Just absolutely amazing.

You were great today.

Just absolutely amazing.

I don't think I've ever had

so much fun.

Acting is fun.

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