Big Daddy Page #7

Damn you! You gave him the easy ones!

- Thanks!

- You're welcome.

Slow down.

You owe me a Sausage McMuffin.

There's a pole there.

My name is Alexander Hamilton.

I was the first secretary

of the treasury.

I owned a bank and a newspaper.

Aaron Bird shot me.

Hi, my name is Benjamin Franklin.

I was a writer, a diplomat...

...an inventor and a statesman...

...although I only went to school

for two years.

I wrote many books and invented

many things we still use today.

The Declaration of Independence

is finished.

Who will be the first to sign?

- How about you, John Hancock?

- I want to sign!

- Look at my man stand strong.

- He's so cute.

What are your cards?

I got a six, a five, a jack,

a four and a eight.

I win.

What do you mean?

I had a hand just like that.

I didn't win.

Because I win.

This is bullshit!

All right. Take it easy, man.

Every time it's different cards.

So what? Relax. He's a kid.

There should be same set of rules,

no matter what age.

He's gotta learn how to lose too.

- Hello, Mr. Koufax.

- Mr. Brooks, how you doing?

I was gonna give you a buzz.

You just called me Mr. Koufax,

didn't you?

It is your name, isn't it?

Sonny Koufax?

You held yourself out

to be Kevin Gerrity...

...to gain custody of young Julian.

Big problem in this state.

I've delivered to you before.

You always order

three pieces of cheesecake.

The real Kevin Gerrity

asked me to take care of...

Save it, Mr. Koufax.

He has to come with me

or I'll arrest you.

Take out your handcuffs.

I don't have any,

but two policemen downstairs do.

Listen, Sonny, I would like to help...

...but my status in your country

is not what you would call legal.

It's okay.

I'm Audi.

Julian, you're gonna have to

come with me.

One second, pal.

Would you just give me a second

to say goodbye to the kid?

Take a second.

You don't want me here anymore?

No, that's not it, pal.

You just gotta go away

for a little while.

How long am I going away for?

I don't wanna lie to you.

I don't think we're gonna...

...be seeing each other anymore.

I screwed up, pal. I'm so sorry.

Come here.

Put your coat on.

It's not your fault, okay?

I'm the idiot.

- I don't wanna go.

- I know you don't.

But you have to,

and you're gonna be okay.

Please don't make me go.

I'm sorry, but I don't know

what else to do.

I won't play

the kangaroo song anymore.

Come on.

Just go. You gotta go.

You gotta go.

I don't wanna go. I promise...

...I'm sorry. I don't even

like that song anymore.

I know, pal. That's not it.

But I wipe my own ass!

I wipe my own ass!

I know.

- Layla, they took the kid.

- Who?

Social Services.

I gotta get him back.

You said this was just temporary.

I can't have it be temporary.

It's gotta be permanent.

Okay, what can we do?

I filed to get custody based

on the child's best interests.

Tommy knew a clerk, so they fast-tracked

the hearing. It's Tuesday.

- This Tuesday?

- You got work?

I gotta go to Washington

for a hearing to dismiss my case.

Can you get somebody else?

I'm sorry, Sonny.

I can't. It's my case.

We don't even know where

this kid's gonna end up.

Sonny, this is exactly why

I didn't wanna get involved.

I had things going the way I wanted.

Then at the park, you and this kid

come barging into my life...

...and it's screwing up everything

I had planned.

You think I planned on a kid

showing up on my doorstep?

But I fell in love with him.

So now my plans have changed.

All rise.

We're here to determine

proper custody of Julian McGrath...

...also known as Julian Gerrity,

a minor child.

Representing New York City?

Ted Castellucci.

Arthur Brooks, Social Services.

And representing Sonny Koufax?

Phillip D'Amato.

Thomas Grayton.

Plus, I'll pretty much

be representing myself.

Anyone else?

Layla Maloney, Your Honor.

Does this mean that you love me?

Something like that.

First witness.

Koufax is a good egg.

He was nice to that kid.

But he fights like a girl.

You like that?

I'm right here, miss.

What are you gonna do about it?

Are you drunk, Mr. Herlihy?

I had a few chardonnays. What of it?

Get off the stand.

You got it.

I've got a few problems.

Off to a good start.

Mr. Koufax is a really cool guy.

I wish my dad was as cool as him.

My dad was a military man.

Guess I wasn't such a "good soldier."

When I was 35, he attempted to give me

a crew cut while I was sleeping.

I broke his arm,

haven't seen him since.

I'd rather live on the streets

than under his rules.

Anyway, I think Mr. Koufax should be

acquitted of all the charges.

If O.J. can get away with murder,

why can't Sonny have his kid?

This guy knows what I'm talking about.

No more questions.

How long have you delivered food

to Mr. Koufax?

I deliver food for six years.

Plus, I'm stripper.

But I've put on weight so it's problem.

I see. And in your experience,

was Sonny a good father to Julian?

Oh, yes. They make terrific pair.

They went together like

lamb and tuna fish.

Lamb and tuna fish?

Spaghetti and meatball?

You more comfortable with that analogy?

Yes, considering we're in America.

If you don't like spaghetti

and meatballs, get out.

I'll come give you a crew cut.

Let's see your clippers.

Not my problem your dad was sick.

Stop yelling at me!

Order! Order! Order!

Am I in the right room?

Who the hell are you?

I'm Mr. Koufax's co-counsel.

He has enough co-counsels.

Well...

...one more won't hurt.

Let's get on with it.

Mr. Koufax is simply parading

his buddies up there.

Can't they find someone

who isn't a friend?

What were Julian

and Mr. Koufax doing?

Shopping.

Did he appear to be

an attentive, loving father?

He certainly did.

And how long have you

disliked Mr. Koufax?

Since the day I met him.

For the record, where did you work

during medical school?

Hooters.

No further questions.

A**hole.

Next witness.

We'd like to call Julian McGrath.

If it's okay with you,

I'd like to ask you a few questions.

This is just you and me talking...

...so don't pay attention to

these people.

Can you tell me how old you are?

Your Honor, one second.

That's better, huh?

Can you tell me

how old you are?

Five.

What's your birthday?

July 15th.

Where were you born?

Toronto.

Toronto? I thought you were

from Buffalo.

I moved to Buffalo with my mommy.

For the past six weeks, you've been

living with Sonny?

Did you and Sonny have fun?

What kind of things would you do?

He taught me how to do the sleeper hold

like Chief Jay Strongbow.

That's nice.

Anything else?

He taught me how to pee on a building.

Really?

And he taught me that Styx was

one of the greatest American rock bands.

They only caught a bad rap...

...because most critics

are cynical a**holes.

I think we'd all agree with that.

Before you came here, do you remember

the last thing your mommy said to you?

That she loved me and I was gonna

live with my new daddy.

If your mother could pick anyone

to be your new daddy...

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