Big Fat Liar Page #4

- If-- Don't--|- D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!|D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D!

I'm sorry. It's just that|we came out here to get even|with this guy Marty Wolf.

- He stole my story. He's making|it into this big movie.|- Whoa.

- Did you just say MartyWolf?.|- Yeah. You know him?.

Know him?. I used to drive him.|He fired me last year.

- Why?.|- I'm an actor. See?.

Right? And I made the mistake|of asking him if I could|audition for one ofhis movies.

He could've said no|and not let me audition.

But instead he takes my head shot,|writes "loser" across my forehead,

and then faxes it to every|casting director in town.

You poor thing.

If you guys wanna mess|with Wolf, I got your back.

[Jason's Voice ]|Today, it's know the enemy time.

Right on schedule.

[Wolf] Okay, people, we begin|production in two days.

Dusty! El director.|First up's the big stunt.

I wanna start this shoot off|with a bang! I wanna blow them away|right out of the gate! Hit me!

- Rock and rol l, baby,|I am ready to party.|- Go!

Okay! Harumph! We open.|Twelve different camera angles.

Smoke ascending|from the streets of the city.

Kastang!|Birds descending from the heavens...

like winged messengers|from above, beckoning.

[ Wolf]|Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Confucius say,|"Easy does it, skippy."

I can barely afford one camera,|let alone twelve. And forget the birds.

Monty, talk to me|about the budget.

We're two million dollars over, and the|studio hasn't approved the new budget.

When are they supposed|to do that?.

Tomorrow morning you have a breakfast|meeting at Marcus Duncan's house.

[ Scoffing ] Oh. I have a breakfast|meeting at Marcus Duncan's house.

You can tell our little|vice president he can drag|his sorry butt to myplace...

if he wants to have a little sit-down|chin-wag with the Wolf Man.

Actually, sir,

he's not the V.P. anymore.

[ Clears Throat ]|He's the president.

I see. Well, um,

get his address,|we don't wanna be late now, do we?.

Next!

Now, for a big movie,|you need a big stunt.

And for a big stunt, you need|serious media coverage.

I'm talkin' TV, print,|that Internet crap, everything.

Now who's handling that?.|I am.

Jocelyn Davis,|senior V.P. of publicity.

Yeah?. Sure you're not senior V.P.|of Twinkies?. [ Chuckling ]

Ooh, funny.

I'll make sure the shoot|is well-covered.|Terrific!

Okay, people, meeting's over.|What's next, Monty?

Cool!|1 2:
30, stunt demonstration.

- What do you think, Marty?. Nice, huh?.|- Perfect. What do you think?.

- Bam! Loved it.|- Yeah, but actually, I think...

I liked it better the first time|I saw it... in 1 942,

you dinosaur!

Vince, meet my new effects whiz,|Lester Golub.|Pleasure to meet--

Shh! Lester is going to design|the stunt on his iBook.

And your stunt guy's gonna do|whatever the computer tells him to do.

I don't need a computer|to show me how to do myjob.

Geek boy, ignore FatherTime|over here and get workin'.

From the looks of you, I'm sure|that you don't have a social life.

So you two will get together tomorrow|to finalize the details. Play nice.

I'm offtomorrow.|I'm taking a personal day.

I-- What was that?.

Personal day?. Wh-What|are you talking about, Vince?.|What's a personal day?.

I'm taking my granddaughter|to a birthday party.

- Ahh! Oh. May I?.|- Sure.

Oh, that is great!|Would you look at that!

Clown with the crazy hair!

Oh, man!

Man, that's fun.

See, this is the movie business,|Grandpa! The talkies!

You know?. You can take|your personal day in a year|or two when you're dead!

[Jason ] Today we learned|we're officially dealing|with the meanest man alive!

All right, colored dye.|Check.

MegaGlue.|Check.

Oh, my God.

Grandma Pearl. Bret must be|in a living hell right now.

[ Grunting ]

How many more, Kaylee?.

Fifty.|I gotta get ripped, baby.

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!|Feel no burn!

'Cause I'm the best, baby!|I'm the best!

You know, Grandma, you should think|about getting into shape yourself.

One more, Grandma!|One more, Grandma!

It's all you! I ain't helping!|Last one! Yeah!

[Phone Ringing]

[ Game Ringing, Beeping ]|[ Cell Phone Ringing ]

[ Ringing ]|Hello?.

- Hey,Jas.|- Hey, Dad!

Just called to see|how you were doing.

- Um, doing good. You know,|staying out of trouble.|- What's that noise?.

Just doing this experiment|for science class, this thing|with ball bearings and bells.

Just wanted to check in 'cause|you looked upset when we left.|Yeah, about that, Dad.

I just want you to know,|I totally get what you said|about the whole trust thing.

I think when you get back,|you'll see I've been trying|really hard to earn it.

- Glad to hear it, pal.|- Good night, Dad.

- Night.|- Call forwarding. Gotta love it.

You really think|this is gonna work?.

One day. That's all it's gonna take.|Wolf's not gonna know what hit him.

Jas, little help here.

What about your parents?.|Think they'll call?.

They're in the middle|of the canyon. There's no phones.

Hey, thanks for|coming out here with me.

I came for the adventure,|remember?.

Right.

Anyway, we shouldget|some sleep.

- Tomorrow we launch phase two.|- Whoa!

[ Alarm Beeping ]

It's show time,|Mr. Funny bones.

[ Laughing ]|You cute little monkey, you!

[ Monkey Sounds ]

You!

## [ Humming ]|Look out! Pss! Pss! Pss!

"Ow!' Pss! Pss! Pss!|"Cut it out, Marty!

Hey, that kills, Marty."|[ Laughing ]

[ Sighs ]|Hungry!

# Dark in the city|Night is a wire#

# Steam in the subway|Earth is afire #

# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do #

# Woman you want me|Give me a sign #

# And catch my breathing|even closer behind#

# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do #

Mr. Earpiece,|meet Miss MegaGl ue.

# I'm on the hunt|I'm afteryou #

# Smell like I sound|I'm lost in a crowd#

# And I'm hungry|like the wolf#

# Straddle the line|in discord and rhyme #

# I'm on the hunt|I'm afteryou #

# Mouth is alive|with juices like wine #

# And I'm hungry|like the wolf#

# Stalked through the forest|too close to hide #

# I'll be upon you|by the moonlight sign #

# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do #

Let's dance, Funnybones!

# High blood drumming|on your skin, it's so tight #

# You feel my heat|I'm just a moment behind#

# Do-do-do-do|do-do-do-do-do, do-do ##

Oh, my God!

[ Ringing ]

Good morning.|Marty Wolf Pictures. This is Monty.

Monty! Charisma from|Marcus Duncan's office.

I'm temping for a second assistant.

I am so psyched you're there.|I was watching Charmed|on the W.B. last night...

and just as Alyssa Milano|was about to put a spell|on her demon boyfriend,

I had the biggest panic attack|that I forgot to give you|Duncan's new address.

Really?. I didn't know he moved.|That was quick.

Oh, yeah, in a big way. He bought|like the sickest pad in the 90210.

We're talking mondo bucks.|[Laughing]

Anyhoo, tell Mr. Wolf|that Duncan lives at...

All right.|Thanks. Got it.

[ Phone Ringing ]|What?.

It's Monty. I'm glad I caught you.|Duncan moved.

Cancel the meeting.

And get one of the makeup chicks|to meet me at the office.|This is an emergency.

No, no. You cannot cancel|the meeting.

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes