Blades Of Glory Page #3

and the banned skater can never again

"compete in any

Federation-sanctioned tournament

"that exists in such a skater's division."

You see? You're only banned

from your division, men's singles!

You can still compete in pairs skating.

Pairs.

How is this possible?

I had so many lawyers work on

so many appeals.

Because nobody can obsess like I can.

Good luck, Jimmy.

And I'm still gonna kill you someday.

Oh, no! It's the evil wizard!

(CHILDREN BOOING)

(LAUGHING)

Hey, little forest creatures.

None of you sons-of-b*tches

try to be heroes. You hear me?

(BOTTLE CLINKING)

GARY:
(WHISPERING)

Hey, Chazz. Come on.

It's Gary. What are you doing?

Hey, everyone!

This is Gary, the squirrel.

Now listen up.

Gary's been a long-time friend.

We've been skating

for two and a half years.

I remember when we were hanging out

at the bus stop in Tucson,

and Gary said, "I've got a third ball."

(VOMITING)

Damn it. I just threw up in here, people.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

That's the reality.

Another layer to the legend.

I am nothing but a human onion.

In fact, we all are. Oh, encore.

(VOMITING)

Ladies and gentlemen, Grublets on Ice

will be cancelled until further notice.

No refunds will be given.

(BOOING)

Bring it on! Let it rain down on me.

There's a loophole. I was banned

from men's singles but not pairs.

I can skate

in the Wintersport Games again.

I knew it. I knew after three years,

you just weren't checking in.

I mean, come on, I moved on, Jimmy.

You gotta move on, too.

But I'm a skater.

There's nothing to move on to,

except for winning the gold again

and keeping it this time.

You know how hard it is

to find a partner?

Even if you did,

you gotta qualify for Nationals.

That's a month away.

I mean, sign-up is in two days.

It can't be that hard. I mean...

Figure skating. Give it up, Jimmy.

It's like a cruel b*tch mother.

She'll seduce you

with chocolates and roses

and then kick you to the side of the road

like a dead raccoon.

Forget it. I gotta go.

It's good to see you.

Wait, Coach!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Jimmy MacElroy?

Another great walking through the halls

of the Grublets.

Welcome to my little production.

If you're here to thank me for firing

Chazz Michaels, it was my pleasure.

Chazz was here?

Yeah, unfortunately,

but it's fantastic that you're here.

And yes, no need to ask,

I'll consider you for a position.

I'm not looking for a job.

I'm actually looking for a female skater

to compete with me at Nationals.

- Are you trying to skater poach?

- No.

You trying to break up my family?

Why don't you get out of here

before I throw down?

Hey, where you going?

Michaels.

MacElroy.

I see you got fat.

I see you still look

like a 15-year-old girl but not hot.

You crushed my dreams.

Dreams? Sh*t.

I haven't had one of those in years.

Zip it, Chazz. Zip it or I will punch you

in your crap lousy face.

This ends tonight.

It's daytime, you douche.

- Now it's on!

- You're so fat!

Local figure skating fans got more than

they bargained for today

when a children's ice show

was interrupted by a street fight

between two former champions.

Jimmy MacElroy

and Chazz Michael Michaels,

once at the top of the skating world,

picked up today where they left off

more than three years...

(REWINDING)

Fans remember Michaels and MacElroy

as gold medalists who,

in a bizarre turn of events,

became banned from competition

for life.

I had a chance to sit down

with Michaels

and let's just say, he's a complex man.

I'm a sex addict

and I'm attracted to women.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Two men skating together?

That's a riot. That's a laugh riot.

- I don't see what's so funny.

- If you were as drunk as me, you would.

Look, Coach, I know I said

I wanted to skate pairs, but two men?

Even if we wanted to,

they'd never allow it.

But there's nothing in the rule book

that says you can't.

That's not my style.

Chazz Michael Michaels goes it alone.

Okay?

That means no coach and no partner.

Especially not a dude.

Especially not the precious

and pampered Richie Rich.

Would you just shut up? You don't know

what you're talking about.

I know more than you think I know.

Hell, I know more than you know

you know.

No, you don't. You could never keep up

with my flawless technique.

That's why I floored you in '02

and the spring of '99.

Technique doesn't get you 18 medals

and a Kristi Yamaguchi

Lifetime Achievement Award.

- I am figure skating.

- Stop it!

For three years I've been trying to get

over the nightmare you two created.

I wasn't sure I'd ever forget it.

Now maybe underneath all your bullshit,

we can still find something beautiful.

I don't know, Coach.

I mean, I'm really desperate

to win that gold, but...

But what?

How's the partner search coming, kid?

What's so funny, Cool Whip?

You getting a lot of satisfaction

from those $15 hookers?

I am never satisfied. It's a curse.

The registration for the National Finals

closes in exactly 12 hours.

Now let me ask you boys a question.

Do you wanna make history?

No way.

This guy could not hold my jock sweat.

I could hold it all day long. Try me.

- Maybe I will.

- Maybe you should.

You challenging me, Princess?

I'm not inviting you to the Skating

Federation's Annual Christmas Party.

- Then bring it on!

- It is on!

COACH:
Good.

We're in agreement then.

- What?

- What?

Welcome back to competitive skating,

gentlemen.

I'll pick you up in the morning.

Little help.

Here we go. Show time.

Stranz. Fairchild. Melissa Kelly, ESPN2.

So, let me ask you,

any thoughts on the competition?

And what does a new gold medal

mean for you?

It doesn't mean as much

as winning America's hearts.

That's very important to us.

Now we haven't seen you

in about three and a half years.

What have you been up to?

Skating.

MELISSA:
Now apparently

you're dedicating this performance

to the children of the world.

Sorry.

- COACH:
Chazz, fill this out.

- No.

Yes.

I'll get yours, Jimmy.

Who is that girl?

You mean Katie Van Waldenberg?

She's Stranz and Fairchild's sister?

Fairchild's legs and Stranz's ass.

Mind bottling, isn't it?

- Did you just say "mind bottling?"

- Yeah, mind bottling.

You know, when things are so crazy,

it gets your thoughts all trapped,

like in a bottle.

All right, boys.

Let's go do this. Loud and proud.

What are you two doing here?

You know damn well I'm not letting

either of you sign up. They're banned.

I'm not here to sign up

Michaels or MacElroy.

I'm here to sign up the pairs team

of Michaels and MacElroy.

Thank you.

COACH:
Now there's

your front page headline.

MELISSA:
Jimmy, can you

wave to the fans?

So Jimmy and Chazz together

and no fighting, huh?

Two men skating together

and in our division, no less.

Why, Stranz?

Why is God singling us out

for the greatest suffering

the world has ever known?

I don't know, sis. Those two are nothing

but a couple of freaks.

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