Blades Of Glory Page #4

Yeah, and the media loves freaks.

Makes my blood boil.

And all they're doing is just leeching

the dignity out of our beloved sport.

You know, I'm not a violent person,

but I would like to hold them down

and skate over their throats.

Guys, maybe,

maybe if you concentrate on the skating

people will forget all the hype

and they'll focus

on the purity of the sport

and the spirit of honest competition.

You guys just want to cheat again,

don't you?

- That's a good idea.

- Much better.

Katie, please,

will you just take this camcorder, okay?

I don't know how to turn it on.

Thank you.

No, I'm not spying for you again.

We're just asking you

to discreetly tape their practice routines.

Find someone else.

- What's that, Mother?

- Don't.

You and Father are sad

that you were killed

driving Katie to her ice skating lesson

all those years ago?

Yeah. Me, too.

Remember how they used to be alive?

Papa?

I can't hear you, Papa.

What are you... You're crying?

Still? In heaven? You're still dead?

- Fine, I'll do it.

- Yes.

Now you're playing

for team Van Waldenberg.

All right.

You'll be staying here for the duration.

You're gonna skate as a pair.

You'll live as a pair.

And if you're at all interested

in self-preservation,

you take off your shoes

before you set foot on the Berber.

Why would we step in baby food?

- He's talking about the carpet. Berber?

- What are you? The Rug Doctor?

- Maybe I am.

- I'm the rug master.

- What does that even mean?

- Shut up and take off your damn shoes.

CHAZZ:
Bunk beds?

JIMMY:
I don't share rooms.

I don't share sh*t.

The night is a very dark time for me.

It's dark for everyone, moron.

Not for Alaskans or dudes

with night vision goggles.

All right, this is gonna stop right now.

From here on out, you guys are a team.

Do you understand?

You are going to eat together,

sleep together.

You are going to pee together.

You're gonna file

a joint income tax return.

Practice starts now. End of discussion.

I just put those into order.

I need some counter space, too.

- Mane 'n' Tail. Is this horse shampoo?

- Yes, it is.

- Do you use this stuff on your hair?

- Uh-huh.

"For a lustrous coat."

Does this actually work?

You bet your ass it does.

It makes my hair shine like Orion's belt

out on the ice.

And then I brush my hair

(JIMMY EXCLAIMS)

Cool brush.

Not just a brush but a Verticoli.

Handmade in Italy.

They carve it out of illegal whalebone.

They only make 11 of them a year.

This one cost me $12,000

or 30 million lira.

Perfectly balanced, low drag,

minimal torque.

How minimal?

I bet you'd like to know.

Help yourself to the Mane 'n' Tail

all you want,

but don't even look at the Verticoli.

'Cause I will knock your block off.

No exaggeration,

I could not love a human baby

as much as I love this brush.

I call top.

- Sorry, I already called it in my head.

- You can't do that. That doesn't count.

Yes, it does. Get used to it, Jimmy.

You're in Chazz's world now.

CHAZZ:
You know what?

I permanently called shotgun.

JIMMY:
You do not get shotgun

every time.

What is this place? It smells like fish.

(EXCLAIMS) Sweet.

This ice has not been

properly Zambonied.

- And where's the warm-down room?

- We don't have any of that.

What we got is a cold storage unit

that a buddy of mine let me flood

with a garden hose.

Nice choice, Coach.

Turned out well.

The dance lift, the press lift,

the twist lift,

the side by side jump, the throw jump.

All of these are weapons

in the pairs skaters' arsenal.

And used properly,

they can slay your opponent.

Used improperly,

you can break every bone in your body.

All right, gentlemen, waltz position.

(SIGHS)

You know what, dude,

your hand has to be on top.

No way. The girl's goes on top.

Yeah. Ergo. Chick.

I'm not the girl. I'm stronger.

No, I'm stronger

and don't have a vagina.

You are not stronger.

Watch this, fat ass.

Fat ass?

It doesn't really matter,

it's waltz position.

One guy, you put your, just...

See that?

It's pure pec, bicep, and tricep.

Jimmy, get off your hands.

You're gonna need those later.

Now, come on.

All right.

Okay, you know what?

I can do something cool, too.

Chazz. Chazz.

You think you're so tough. Huh?

I'm not fat. I can do this.

- Chazz, put your skates back on.

- No, it's too late. They're off.

- Look, I'm like lightning.

- Put your skates back on.

What are you doing?

- Yeah. God, that burns.

- JIMMY:
Oh, yeah?

Jimmy, you put your clothes on. Jimmy!

- Damn it!

- Watch my Icy Hot Super Slide.

- Do it.

- I will.

It's not gonna matter

'cause you're flat in front like Ken.

(SCREAMING)

You're the girl.

- What?

- You're my pretty lady, MacElroy.

- Wait. Why?

- Because you whine like one!

And no one can lift your fat ass.

You're on a diet, starting now.

- What are you talking about?

- Let's go! Come on!

CHAZZ:
Is this about

my muscular, thick thighs?

Could one of you all pass me a biscuit?

You got another five miles,

then you get a LUNA bar.

Come on.

So, Coach, I was thinking

about the music for our routine.

- Really?

- We're gonna skate to one song,

one song only.

Lady Hump by the Black Eyed Peas.

(SINGING) What you gonna do

with all that junk

All that junk inside my trunk

I'm gonna get you, get you drunk

Get you drunk off my lady hump

My hump, my hump

My lovely lady hump

I'm not skating to anything

with references to lady humps.

I don't even know what that means.

No one knows what it means,

but it's provocative.

- No, it's not. It's gross.

- It gets the people going.

That's enough!

Why do you guys keep doing that?

(BEEPING)

You didn't see sh*t!

- Coach!

- COACH:
Shut up!

Throw me some chicken!

Two men.

Together. You're really gonna go

through with this, huh?

Oh, yeah, of course. Why not?

I mean, I need your help.

What do you say?

Look, I'm just a choreographer.

What do I know?

Bring them

by the dance studio tomorrow.

- Great!

- I'm not a magician.

I ain't making no promises.

I'm just saying

that I'm'a do what I can do.

JESSE:
Your problem

is your boundaries. That ends today.

Out on my dance floor you won't know

where one man's body ends

and another begins.

Because if you can't dance with a man,

you damn sure can't skate with a man.

All right? So come on, let's go.

Jimmy.

Yeah.

That's what I thought.

That a boy, Jimmy. Come on.

Okay. Break it down.

Show me what you got.

Okay. That's a start. That is a start.

You're tensing your face.

If you tense your face,

you're gonna make it harder

for yourselves.

Just enable...

(GROANING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Rewind it.

I wanna see his head bang down again.

(FAIRCHILD EXCLAIMING)

No. No, no.

You act right or you leave my studio.

Beautiful butterfly into a prayer.

Nice into...

Let them get it out. Let them get it out.

Chazz, release to Jimmy.

Easy, see? Release...

(GROANS)

- Yes.

- No. No.

COACH:
You nailed it!

Yes, I did. See that? Pure power.

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