Blades Of Glory Page #6

It's MacElroy, for her.

What? For me? Why?

- I can't do it.

- I'll coach you. Get on the phone.

Stranz?

KATIE:
Hello?

Okay. "Yo. It's the Mac attack.

What up?"

Yo. Hi. It's the Mac attack. What up?

Okay. Say, "Oh, my, you're just

catching me getting out of the shower."

- Sell yourself.

- Will you be quiet?

You know, you just caught me

getting out of the shower.

- She just got out of the shower.

- Oh, me likey.

- I have to call her back. This is so rude.

- No! Are you insane?

- She's gonna hear you.

- Get back on the phone. Say, "Shower?

"I gotta get me one of those

'cause I just got back from the gym

"doing my squat thrusts."

I gotta...

Yeah, shower. I need one of those

'cause I just got back from the gym

doing my squat thrusts.

"Squat thrusts must be hard, real hard."

Squat thrusts are hard.

- "Real hard."

- Real hard.

"They're hard, all right. But it's worth it

to get a sweet burn deep in your thigh."

It's worth it to get a deep burn

in my sweet thighs.

"You know

how you can soothe a nasty burn?

"Pour some sweet cream on it."

Do you know

what you can do for a burn?

Pour sweet cream on it.

Oh, my God, you've bagged a wild lynx.

Okay, say, "Sounds to me like

your cream needs to be whipped",

and then go...

I was wondering if you wanted

to get a snow cone sometime?

What?

Yeah. I would like to get a snow cone.

I haven't had a snow cone

in a couple of years, actually.

No, you have to be sexy.

Say you want a snow boner.

Snow boner.

It will

"get me time to get my jugs waxed."

Okay. Well, I'll see you.

What happened? What's the word?

Oh, my God!

Nice lift.

All right, listen up. You guys barely

squeaked by at Nationals.

How are we gonna compete

against teams

that have been doing this for years?

There's only one way.

Okay. What do you guys have

that none of the other teams have?

- Twin dongs?

- Exactly.

We have to do something

that only two men can do together.

Something never seen before.

Jesse, put in the tape.

Come on. Put in the tape, Jesse.

Thank you.

Jimmy, I never told you this before,

but I used to coach pairs.

I was on track

to head up the Olympic squad.

I wanted it badly,

so I developed a move.

A move the likes of which the world

had never seen before.

A move so revolutionary, so dangerous

that it would have catapulted the team

that stuck it straight to the top.

And like many revolutionary ideas,

it just scared the sh*t

out of the establishment.

So I quit.

And I took it to the one place on earth

batshit crazy enough to give it a try.

North Korea.

Of course.

Behind the Bamboo Curtain, they call it

"The Iron Lotus."

(MAN SPEAKING IN KOREAN)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

COACH:
Look at the grace, the beauty.

They almost have it, until...

(PEOPLE EXCLAIMING)

Oh, my gosh.

(MAN CHATTERING IN KOREAN)

Okay.

What do you say, let's give it a try?

- Are you nuts?

- What? That's crazy.

Come on, what are you talking about?

See, after all these years,

I know what went wrong.

The physics were off.

It was a man and a woman,

that's why it didn't work.

You're two men. You should be fine.

Be warned.

The Iron Lotus demands your respect.

She has no time for lone wolves, Chazz.

Jimmy, you've gotta be willing

to improvise.

You two are the last pieces

of the puzzle.

Go on! Fit them together!

(SHUDDERING)

COACH:
Keep your speed up.

Keep it up!

Jimmy! Don't let your legs buckle!

Come on, Chazz, focus! Focus!

(GROANS)

My nut-sack!

You gotta be careful, man.

Unlike you, I actually use these things.

Oh, yeah? Well...

Well, well, yeah, you're right.

I'll try to be more careful next time.

Sorry.

Look, I didn't mean to drag your balls

into the discussion.

That was uncalled for.

They're fine, I overreacted.

All right, gentlemen,

let's get up and try it again.

(COACH CLAPS)

Let's do this.

JIMMY:
This was my favorite place

growing up.

By the way, you look really nice.

Oh, really?

I like your glitter-tooth necklace thing.

Oh, thanks.

Foy, can I have another blue one?

You guys were so good at Nationals,

it scared my brother and sister.

- They wanted me to spy on you.

- Really?

Is that why you're going out

with me right now?

No!

Really.

I don't care if they win.

I don't care about skating at all.

I mean, really,

what's so great about skating, anyway?

It's basically just gliding,

trying not to fall,

with a couple of jumps thrown in, right?

And Spandex and glitter. Egos.

Ice blows.

Sorry.

But it's not the ice.

It's what the ice lets you do.

Out there, I feel like I can do anything.

It's the only place

where life makes sense.

You've never skated?

When I was a kid, a little.

But my brother and sister

don't like anyone to steal their focus.

My life was nothing but focus.

You know what I got

for my tenth birthday?

A six-pack of protein shakes

and a subscription to Men's Health.

I didn't have a tenth birthday.

My sister told all my friends

I was in jail for armed robbery.

When I was nine, my dad insisted

on having me circumcised

to minimize wind resistance.

While driving me to skating practice,

my parents were in a fatal accident.

My brother and sister

blame me for their death

and they force me to work for them

like a slave.

Wow.

I never really thought of that

as a romantic story before.

So, how'd it go with your lady?

Carve up any ice with your wiener?

All right, ladies, tea party's over.

We got two days till Montreal.

I wanna see an Iron Lotus.

(SIGHS)

COACH:
Okay, try it again.

You're gonna kill him! Watch the blade!

Come on!

(PUFFING)

Try it again!

One more. I'm really close.

LAMPLEY:
Hello,

and welcome, everyone,

to the Orbitz World Wintersport Games

here in beautiful Montreal, Canada.

The world turns its eyes

now to this frozen sanctuary

as the globe's finest athletes

arrive to compete

and to revel in the glory that is sport.

And so, now we are honored

to bring you the wonder, pageantry,

and spectacle of these,

the 20th World Wintersport Games.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

Didn't you once say, and I quote,

"Jimmy MacElroy

is a lifeless robot on the ice"?

- He would never say such a...

- Yes, I did.

But I was referring

to the precision and beauty of robots.

If they'd published

the rest of the quote...

They did publish the rest of your quote.

You go on to say,

"I've had lint at the top of my ass crack

"with more personality

than that Daddy's boy." End quote.

All right,

Mr. Smart Reporter, showing off.

You figured out how to work

the Google on the Internet machine.

Well, here's a new quote for you,

all right?

Chazz Michaels and Jimmy MacElroy

are figure skating. Boom!

Boom!

Jimmy! Has pairs skating

helped your popularity?

Absolutely.

I have the best fans in the world.

I mean,

we have the best fans in the world.

(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE)

No, that's in the other room.

(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE)

(ALL CHATTERING)

Boom.

CHAZZ:
Nice.

Great! Press loves them,

and now so do the sponsors.

Rate this script:5.0 / 1 vote