Blades Of Glory Page #7

Stranz!

So, Katie, it looks like your date

went really well the other night, huh?

What? I guess so. Why?

No reason. I was just wondering

how it went. Did it go well?

- Yeah, we had snow cones...

- Oh, that's so great.

We want you to turn your attention

to Chazz now.

What?

MacElroy's heart is like

a beautiful apple that's in your hand

and now you need to bite it.

- Nothing breaks up a team faster than...

- Herpes.

Jealousy.

No. I'm not gonna make

Chazz Michael Michaels

fall in love with me.

Who's talking about love?

We just want you to have sex with him.

What? No!

I am not gonna have sex with Chazz.

Come on, Katie.

Do the honorable thing here.

The honorable thing is to walk away

and that is exactly what I'm doing.

Okay. Stranz, let her go. It's okay.

She's made up her mind.

We'll just move on to Plan B.

- What's Plan B?

- I'm sorry, don't worry about that.

You stood your ground. Good for you.

We respect that.

But if something should happen

to your new boyfriend's leg,

I don't know, under his knee,

or above his ankle?

At least you did the honorable thing.

- Where're you going?

- Sex addicts meeting.

- "Turn weakness into strength."

- Good for you.

Thanks, brother man.

Have a good night.

See ya!

(SQUEAKING)

This must be for you.

TAYLOR:
So glad you're all here.

Okay, let's get started.

Chazz, would you like

to start the day off by sharing?

I was just trying to find some peace.

A haven,

a place where I could feel safe.

And then what happened?

Well, she was my yoga instructor.

So I knew she was limber.

But, Chazz, you realize this would just

set you back

and further hurt your progress

in maintaining control over your libido,

correct?

Yes. Thank you, Taylor.

Definitely.

Until her friend, a massage therapist,

walked in the door naked.

Easy, Chazz.

With a big bottle of canola oil

and a monkey who was trained

to work on a video camera.

And she rocked my world.

Guys!

Chazz, I have asked you to leave before

and I don't wanna do it again.

Taylor, come on, man.

Let's just move on.

Who'd like to talk about Chlamydia?

Syphilis, gonorrhea, et cetera.

Should we...

Hi. I'm sorry I'm late. I was

having sex. A lot.

Welcome. Welcome.

Why don't you go ahead

and introduce yourself?

I know her.

I'm Katie.

And?

Oh, and I'm a sex addict.

Hi, Katie.

Hey, Katie.

Wow, so, you're a sex addict, too.

Sex, sex, sex. What can I say?

Right. Right. I mean, you said it all.

It's such a burden.

I mean, people don't realize what

we go through on a day-to-day basis.

Why don't you come to my room tonight

and we can comfort each other?

Come on, people, break it up!

God grant me the serenity not

to have sex with my friend's girlfriend

the courage to go home tonight without

having sex with my friend's girlfriend

and the wisdom

to know that masturbation

is sometimes

the most sensible solution.

Yeah. Okay.

(LET'S GET IT ON

PLAYING ON STEREO)

Oh, sweet Jesus.

You're right on time. Come in.

Would you like some champagne?

No, I can't, I...

Actually I just came by 'cause

I had something I had to say to you.

What?

Do you have a bathrobe or a parka

you could...

Sorry. I'm hot.

Wouldn't you feel more comfortable

saying what you need to say

from the bed?

Probably not.

It's a Posturepedic.

Well, then, in that case,

it's good for my back,

so might as well try it.

Okay, here it goes.

I know that sex,

I know that sex addiction is a disease.

Oh, God, they feel so good.

Oh, God, this is so wrong.

Jimmy's my friend.

I'm not gonna do this.

Wait. Do you really mean that?

Yes, I think so. No.

Yes, I do. I do.

I can't go through with this.

Thank God.

- Oh, God, what a relief.

- Yeah.

He's got a heart of gold.

(EXCLAIMS)

(STUTTERING) You sex demon!

You, you sex fiend!

No, you got it all wrong.

Impure! Impure!

- Jimmy, wait!

- Hey, wait! Brother man!

- Nothing happened!

- Jimmy!

Wait! Jimmy!

- Get away!

- Jimmy! No!

Damn it.

Come on, pick up. Come on, buddy.

ANSWERING MACHINE:

Hey, it's Jimmy.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

Jimmy, it's me, Chazz.

Look, what happened back there,

so not a big deal.

Just think of it as like a boob handshake

between me and your lady's...

Look, that's not coming out right.

I'll explain it. Call me back, please.

It's me, Chazz.

CHAZZ:
I'm committed to this thing

called friendship.

And I ain't going nowhere.

And if you think I'm going anywhere,

you're wrong. You know why?

Because I will not back down, ever!

I've won a lot of radio contests,

because I refused to get off the line!

(BEEPING)

If we went to a Halloween party dressed

as Batman and Robin, I'd go as Robin.

That's how much you mean to me.

That was stupid that I said that.

You know what? No.

I don't think that's stupid.

I'm glad that I said that.

(BEEPING)

Hey, turd-face, guess what?

I've taken every single one

of your teddy bears,

and I've stuffed them down my pants.

(BEEPING)

Hey, yikes. Sorry.

(BEEPING)

For about a month,

my urine smelled like marshmallows.

(BEEPING)

(SINGING) Don't wanna close my eyes

Don't wanna fall asleep

'Cause I miss you Jimmy

And I don't wanna miss a thing

So call me back now!

(PHONE RINGING)

ANSWERING MACHINE: It's Jimmy.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

Hey, it's me again. Jimmy, please,

call me back, so I can explain.

Hey!

Wow! Nice work.

Somebody got busy in a big way.

Scene of the crime.

For your information,

I didn't have sex with Chazz.

Fine. "Make love." Whatever.

I didn't sleep with Chazz.

- What?

- But congratulations!

- I feel as slimy as if I had.

- Where do you think you're going?

To make this right!

Jimmy needs to know the truth!

You would do that to your own family?

Don't give me that guilt trip.

After all we've done for you?

After all you did to Mom and Dad?

Mom and Dad

were not wearing their seatbelts

and they made

an improper left-hand turn.

Come on, Katie, don't go.

We love you and stuff.

Look, it's up to us, okay?

We are forced to take Michaels and

MacElroy out of play, no matter what.

That might require some bad behavior.

LAMPLEY:
Hello,

and welcome to day three

of the Orbitz World Wintersport Games.

The best Chinese and Russian pairs

have fallen away,

setting up

the ultimate gold medal showdown.

Just two pairs remain. Both American.

Both hell-bent on reaching the top.

SCOTT:
And it's come down to this.

Tonight, they leave it all on the ice.

The big story here is

the men's pairs figure skating team

of Michaels and MacElroy.

These same-gendered sensations

have taken

center ice in the hearts of

millions of skating fans everywhere.

They've literally taken this sport

by storm.

(PHONE RINGING)

Jimmy.

Jimmy's here at the arena, you ass.

He's been staring at a pack of gum

for nine hours. What'd you do to him?

I'm on my way.

Taxi!

World Wintersport Games.

And yes, I am Chazz Michael Michaels.

- Hey, Stranz.

- Hi.

WOMAN:
Skaters, please clear the ice

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