Blockers Page #5

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This is stupid.

F*** off.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

What the f*** are you doing?

I just need to talk to

my daughter for five minutes.

Get out of the car!

- You get out. You get out.

- You get out.

- Stop saying what I'm saying.

- MITCHELL:
Open the door!

- Stop saying what I'm saying.

- Stop saying what I'm saying.

- Stop... Okay, listen, listen.

- MITCHELL:
Hey.

Lis. Okay, everyone calm down,

calm down.

- But you got to go.

- The-the window.

- No, the window.

- HUNTER:
Hey.

- What the f***? No! Holy...

- (Mitchell grunting)

(grunting)

(groans)

MITCHELL:

Ah, these are new shorts!

HUNTER:

Truce! Truce!

Truce.

Truce, truce, truce.

- (horn honks)

- I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

- (Lisa yelps)

- Oh, my f***ing God.

Aah!

Sorry, man.

It's not gonna work.

You're not Schwarzenegger.

How is that possible?

How is that possible?

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh!

Oh, my balls! My balls!

(yells) Your ass is so...

(grunting)

- Get...

- Hey! Hey!

- Get out!

- Not cool! Aah!

You're bullying me.

This is bullying.

What you're doing is wrong!

You know your daughter's

in this stupid sex pact, too.

Yeah, and she's not gonna

do anything about it, okay?

Oh, like you would know

what your daughter's gonna do.

Okay, first of all, ouch.

Second of all, I know nothing

is gonna happen with Sam

because...

because she's gay.

Really?

Did she come out to you?

No, of course not.

She barely speaks to me.

Then how do you know?

Because, bro, I'm her dad.

And there's just

some things you know.

Chad is nothing.

He's like a beard.

Or whatever a lesbian beard is.

A merkin?

I don't know. The point is,

I guarantee you

they don't even kiss, okay?

I'm not worried about that.

I'm worried about

you two d*cks

f***ing up her night.

Okay, well, what you don't

understand is that sex

can be very confusing

for young girls

and make them say things and do

things that they might regret.

Like dropping out of college

to follow around

the Dave Matthews Band

with a guy they think they love

who then winds up

getting them pregnant

and then leaving them

for the girl who makes

grilled cheese sandwiches

with hash aioli on them.

Yeah, that is a...

extremely specific scenario,

and that won't happen to Julie.

Dave's not even touring

right now.

He's taking time off

for fatherhood.

It was me, you idiot.

Me. That happened to me.

Yeah.

Yeah, move somethin',

move somethin'

Make you wanna do somethin',

do somethin'

Dance for the night,

live for the day

Hey, ho, hey

Yeah, move somethin',

move somethin'...

You weren't ready.

Okay, one more, one more.

Smile.

I closed my eyes.

Oh, my God.

(gasps)

You guys, this is our song.

Do you remember when we got

snowed in at Sam's

and we played this, like,

over and over?

- Yes!

- We have to dance!

- We have to dance!

- This is our jam!

Scream my name

I love me

Gonna love myself,

no, I don't need anybody else

Hey, gonna love myself

No, I don't need

anybody else

I love me,

can't help myself

No, I don't need

anybody else...

- Hey. Hey.

- Hey.

- I want a drink.

- Okay.

Yeah, let's go get one.

No, no, no, no. Like, a drink.

Oh, you want a "drink" drink.

- Yeah.

- Okay, let me call my guy.

Hello, Mr. Drink-Drink.

- Let's go get f***ed up.

- Okay.

Hey, wait, Kayla, Kayla.

Ah, it's...

Any time that I like

I love me...

Hey, Chad.

I'm gonna go get, uh,

some dessert.

- Get me two.

- (Julie chuckling)

The beautiful,

it comes without you, yeah

I'm gonna put my body first

And love me so hard...

Hey, Angelica,

it's a nice cape.

Oh, hey, Sam.

Thank you.

Scream the words...

Um, yeah, it's a...

it's a Galadriel cape

that I made a couple months ago

for LordCon.

Figured I could wear it again.

Not too much overlap

on the guest list.

(chuckling):

Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

(laughs)

Who'd you come here with?

Um, just my friends.

Lauren and I broke up.

Oh.

No hard feelings, though.

Um, she's still

a little confused.

How do you think one becomes...

not confused?

It's probably different

for everyone.

But for me, when I kissed

Brad Markowski,

I started to suspect it.

And then last year,

when I touched

Dash Lowenstein's dick,

I was like, "F*** no."

It was like holding

a dead snake.

Hmm.

But I guess you never know

until you try.

I know how

to scream my own name

Scream my name...

Uh, before I do drink this,

though,

I just want to let you know

that I am fully planning

on having sex tonight.

With... with you.

Yeah, I-I mean,

wherever the wind blows us.

Well, the wind's

gonna blow us there.

Wherever the night takes us,

it's...

It's gonna take your penis

into my vagina.

Okay, uh, you know,

if the universe wills it.

And the universe will will it.

(chuckles) Thanks for

letting me know, I guess.

- (groans)

- Oh, yeah.

- Oh, my God.

- I warned you.

- This is what gin tastes like?

- No, no.

I've heard that gin sucks,

and this sucks.

No, it's...

- I made it. Um...

- Oh.

This is so dumb, okay?

Our kids are gonna hate us

because you're gonna

humiliate them.

I'm not gonna humiliate Julie.

We're best friends.

I'm the cool mom.

Hunter, don't make me sit

on your balls again.

Stop, stop, stop it,

stop, stop.

This is how they're gonna

be remembered in high school.

As the weirdos whose parents

dragged them out of prom

because they were afraid

of their sexuality.

It's not something

that should be feared.

It should be celebrated.

And-and-and we have

to empower these young women.

I mean, what year is it, guys?

- It's 2018.

- (horn honks)

HUNTER:

Jesus Christ.

- MITCHELL:
Oh, gross.

- Okay, you know what?

That's an unfortunate

coincidence.

Get a f***ing room!

The good life

is the life for me...

- (Sam shouts)

- (laughter)

Let's take a picture.

Kayla!

Let's take a picture right now.

- Okay, cool.

- Right now. Right now.

Cheese.

Oh, my God, my mom called me

like 15 times.

- Ooh. Nope.

- She's crazy.

- No, that's a no.

- That's kind of funny.

- Boom. Airplane mode.

- No.

Yeah. We're flying

the friendly skies now.

Yeah, till she freaks out.

Hey, can we please, like,

get out of here?

No. We can't go right now.

They haven't even played

me and Austin's song yet.

How are we gonna get

in the mood?

I don't know,

light your Walgreens candle.

That's later.

Don't you want... Look, look.

Jake Donahue

is just warming up.

Don't you want to see him

break-dance

- and probably hurt himself?

- No.

- It's gonna be so good.

- I don't.

(laughing):
Do you remember

at the Sadie Hawkins Dance

when he tried to do the worm

and he fell

and broke his two front teeth?

- Yeah. He had to go to the hospital.

- I have pictures.

- It was great, and this is gonna be better.

- Mm...

- No, no, no. No!

- So we're staying.

Julie, Julie,

I promise that you're

gonna dance to your song

with your boyfriend tonight.

This place is dying, okay?

- We got to get out of here.

- Okay, fine.

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