Blockers Page #7

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let's pose like Kanye.

- No. Boo!

- Yes.

- You take too many pictures.

- Uh...

They don't look like him.

HUNTER:
Ugh, it's just a bunch

of paint samples and swatches.

(hushed):

Hunter, quiet.

Why do I have to be quiet?

Sh*t would not fly

if Marcie found out.

Who wears the pants

in this house, dawg?

- I do.

- Oh!

(sipping loudly)

Mmm.

This is soy creamer?

Are you sure?

It's pretty freaking rich.

This is so messed up.

Who are you to get involved

in our daughter's sex life?

- Oh, honey, I was just try...

- No, don't "honey" me.

Did your dad try to stop you

when you lost your virginity?

That's totally different.

It is not different.

It's a double standard.

Oh, when a guy loses his

virginity, it-it's no big deal.

It's celebrated,

but if a girl does,

it's some sort of big loss

of innocence?

- Yes.

- MARCIE:
But come on, you guys.

It's the same damn thing.

Oh, Marcie!

Stop talking.

- Just give us the address.

- Just give us the address.

Honestly, Lisa, I can't believe

you're on their side.

Side? This is not

some philosophical debate.

We're trying to stop

our daughters

from some kind of sex pact

that they've planned

and not thought through

all the way.

That is such bullshit.

How do you expect society

to treat women

as if they're equal

when their own parents won't?

I don't know about that.

I'll deal with society

tomorrow.

Right now I'm thinking

about my daughter.

Well, that is...

that's convenient.

Yeah. You know what?

Go ahead and be part

of the group

that perceives women as little

damsels in distress

that need saving.

Who cares about us

not getting paid as much

or not having control

of our own bodies?

Can you please not talk to me

like I'm someone

who bombs abortion clinics?

I think

we're a little off topic.

Just... we need the address.

I just can't believe

that you think Julie

shouldn't be free

to explore her sexuality

in the same way that boys are.

Girls and boys

are very different.

Guys will take

whatever's in front of them.

We have these feelings,

and then...

your parents won't let you

see the man.

(crying):
And then he just

writes a lot of letters,

but you don't get them

because your mom

doesn't give them to you,

and then it starts raining

really hard

'cause he built a house

for you,

and... and then it's...

- Mitchell, did you get the address?

- Yep.

- What?

- I'm really sorry. I'll call you tomorrow.

- I'm just really stressed out.

- It was so good to see you.

Was that The Notebook?

F***ing f*** off, Hunter.

Goddamn it! Mitchell!

I love you. I'm doing this

for our daughter.

- I'll be home late.

- F***ing sh*t!

See, I'm gonna get it

'cause I play the game...

To the loss of our innocence.

(whooping)

(cup clattering on floor)

- Oh!

- (Sam grunting)

- Come on.

- Ooh!

You guys.

This is the best night.

I am so drunk, super high,

and Connor has a little

something-something

that I feel I need

to go check out.

All right.

It's f*** o'clock.

- JULIE:
No way. You, too?

- SAM:
Yep.

- These are macarons.

- Ooh.

With a very special

concoction of mine

that I call Wavy Davy.

So it's DMT that I get

from the Dark Web.

Uh, and then there's

a little tiny bit of Xanax

to just kind of take

the edge off, you know.

It's pretty tight.

Mm, sounds pretty tight.

And then I bake it into

a white chocolate macaron,

and it has, like,

a raspberry filling

that's both, uh,

light and fluffy

but also very flavorful

and satisfying.

Are you ready?

- Uh, yeah. Yeah.

- Yeah, let's do it.

(sighs) Okay.

- Mmm.

- Let's go.

Hmm.

- (Connor chuckles)

- It's yum.

KAYLA:

Hmm.

Okay, so what do we do?

We just walk in and-and flick

- the lights on and off until the kids come?

- Shh.

Just act cool and young,

and maybe we'll just slip in.

Mitchell, untuck your shirt.

No, it's not

that kind of shirt.

- It looks stupid untucked.

- Untuck your shirt.

You look like a youth minister.

HUNTER:

Untuck your f***ing shirt, man.

- We're trying to look cool.

- MITCHELL:
All right.

(groans) Whoa, whoa.

Sorry, bro. Sorry, guys.

Sorry. My friend's wasted.

- Don't.

- KYLER:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey. No... no adults

are getting into my house.

Not on prom night.

Okay, not on prom.

We were just down the street

at, um, another party,

and then we just decided

to come up here

and hang with you guys.

Um, no parents here, right?

Oh, thank God.

No, not except

for you guys. No.

We're not...

- (chuckles) Yeah, no.

- We don't...

Okay, so you're cops.

(laughter)

I got two DUIs last year.

How could I be a cop?

MITCHELL (laughing):

The police?

Look at my untucked shirt.

You're literally the cop-iest

motherf***er I've ever seen.

You look like you got your hair

cut in the back of a squad car.

This is a regular

men's haircut.

Okay, this is ridiculous.

All right, you're minors,

we're minors.

You're like 45 years old.

F*** you.

I was born in '77.

'87. '94.

We're gonna drink

with you guys.

Would cops drink

with underage kids?

- MITCHELL:
No.

- No.

Okay. What about a little

chugging contest?

Um...

Yeah.

Bring it.

Okay, wait.

I got to get the room ready.

(chuckles)

Oh, wow.

You're really going for it,

aren't you?

I saw this

in the romantic comedy,

American Beauty.

So good.

You watch the whole thing?

(chuckles)

You know what this candle

does to me.

Is that the one

that gives you hives?

- No, it's the good one.

- Oh, nice.

You look so hot right now.

- Where are my chuggers at? You ready?

- Yeah!

- Oh, right here. Let's go.

- Whoot, whoot!

- (sighs)

- All right.

- Cool.

- Drop 'em.

KYLER:

Let's do it.

Wait, what?

(chuckling):

Guys?

We're just chugging, right?

We're butt-chugging.

Yeah, you put the tube

up your butt,

and you funnel the beer in.

Fucks you up way more, man.

Trust me.

- Guys, butt-chugging?

- You got this. You got it.

No, I'm tagging out.

You're in.

- What? Why me?

- You've had a baby.

Everything's looser down there.

I didn't have a baby

out of my butt.

- Even I know that.

- Mitchell.

Okay, this isn't

a common occurrence with me,

but I have had things

up there before.

- Hmm?

- It's just all about breathing.

So just breathe through it

and accept it in.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

Hey! She's up there right now

with that dick-bag Connor

with his man bun

and that stupid smirk.

Think about this.

W-Wait. Connor?

You know... you know

Connor Aldrich, "The Chef"?

Why do they call him

"The Chef"?

Uh, maybe a big fan

of South Park?

"Hello, children."

No, no.

He cooks drugs into everything.

Everything.

Uh, one time he made me

this, like,

acid financier cake. Oh!

That sh*t was to die for, man.

(chuckling):
Like, literally,

I almost f***ing died.

Yeah, dude, if your daughter

had anything like that cake,

she might not remember

who you are tomorrow.

Give me the f***ing tube.

Whoa, whoa, honey, now...

Let's bone.

Wait, what? Oh.

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